


Leading the Lost Pilotfish

by foxygrampaglasses



Series: Leading the Lost [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: Body Dysphoria, FTM!Nitori, Fluff, I promise there shall be fluff eventually, M/M, Sexual Harassment, Transgender, equal parts sad and happy, vague descriptions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-01
Updated: 2013-12-09
Packaged: 2017-12-28 03:16:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 60,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/987020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxygrampaglasses/pseuds/foxygrampaglasses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From the very beginning, he was Aiichirou. No one could ever, would ever, convince him otherwise. Someone could, however, lead him to freedom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. North?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin gets a reminder that Nitori is a little different. Life goes on.

[[  _From the very beginning, he was Aiichirou. No one could ever, would ever, convince him otherwise. Not the bullies at school. Not frustrated teachers. Not sweet old ladies at the grocery store. Not his parents' frazzled slaps, cutting words, locked doors, nothing could change what was true._

_And as a child, he believed this was just how the world worked. He resigned himself to a life of being hated for how he was born. He invited abuse. It was the only attention he would ever have, and in a sad broken way, he was okay with that._

_His uncle showed up one day, his parents had been awfully quiet. He took little Aiichirou's hand with a gentleness the boy had never known. He left that house, those people, too enthralled with his uncle's kindness._

_And he never asked why, never thought to go back. Thinking about it much later in life, he knew it was because he'd finally been given true family. He had no reason to miss parents that had never once acted as parents._

_He remembered the horror of starting his period. The pain was awful, but bearable. It was going to the bathroom that he couldn't stand. Wiping up the blood, it made him sick. He threw up the first time, his uncle rubbing his back soothingly. He began holding his pee to avoid having to deal with blood. Once he even wet his pants because of it. He wanted it to stop, he wanted it so badly, he'd never wanted something to_ just stop _so much._

 _He couldn't swim on those days either. He absolutely refused to use tampons. He would rather stick a serrated knife up there._ He would not use a tampon _. The girls on his team would sneer about little Ai who was too much of a baby to use a tampon. Aiichirou hated it, but under the water, sound was distorted and he could make believe that it didn't hurt._

 _He remembered when the boys' voices began dropping. Aiichirou felt as though his voice was only getting higher, hips wider, chest bigger. He wore shirts and shorts far too big for his size, desperately trying to hide what his body was yelling to the world. With big tears in his eyes, he told his uncle he wouldn't go to school ever again, wouldn't let anyone see him,_ he was a monster _._

_He remembered when his uncle helped him put on his first binder. Other people might have whined about it being uncomfortable, but Aiichirou felt like he could breathe for the first time since he was born. He could not be more comfortable. He hugged his uncle long and hard. Maybe he could do this._

_And he remembered when he took his first shot of testosterone. It was scary, he might have cried. He remembered when his voice cracked and dropped and he almost didn't believe it. He remembered his first teacher to call him by male pronouns, how it was never even a question. How suddenly the names and the insults and the punches and the yelling and the periods and everything_ just stopped _._

_His uncle was unsatisfied with his school however. He wanted Aiichirou to be with people who would only ever know him by male pronouns. He had quite the network of friends, and remembered a couple with a son attending Samezuka Academy. It was a stretch financially, but they made it work._

_Mikoshiba, the captain of the swim team, let him join the team. He was the first person Aiichirou's age to whole heartedly support him. Aiichirou made it clear he would only join if Mikoshiba promised not to tell anyone. Mikoshiba promptly broke that promise when he told a new transfer student, and Aiichirou was so glad he did._

_Matsuoka Rin was to room with him. Aiichirou remembered this boy, and what a man he'd grown into. Mikoshiba explained Rin had been on a team in Australia with another FTM. Aiichirou could share a room with another boy. He could be_ normal _. He could be_ safe _._  ]]

\----

He'd done this before. Needle in one hand, thigh muscle pinched in the other. He'd done it before, and he'd done it all by himself! Aiichirou's hand shook as he moved the needle towards his thigh.

"You've done this before!" he whispered, pressing his lips together in concentration. He moved the needle closer.

"You can do it, Aiichirou!" he said, needle just barely touching his skin.

A tremor ran through his hand. He whined, leaned back, let go of his thigh. He could see frustrated tears blurring his vision, which only made him angrier. He'd been through nearly an entire grade on his own, so darnit why did this have to be so hard!?

Aiichirou took a deep breath, scrubbing at his eyes. If he didn't hurry up, Rin would surely get suspicious. He pinched his thigh muscle once again, forcing himself to take a slow breath. The air seemed to stick in his throat, and soon enough he was coughing and choking and the angry tears were back, but his hot tears froze when a heavy hand banged on the door.

"Nitori?" Rin's muffled voice asked. "What's wrong?"

"N-N-Nothing!" he yelled. "I-I'll be out in a minute, I'm sorry!" he said. A few moments of silence passed and Aiichirou started to believe Rin had left. To his horror, the door knob turned and Rin walked in.

"Yeah, no, sorry I'm pretty sure I heard you crying. What-" Rin stilled as he noticed the needle in Aiichirou's hand. His face went from blank to positively furious like the flip of a switch. Aiichirou flinched, drawing his arms up to cover his face as Rin swung his fist, snatching the needle right out of his hand. It took Aiichirou a moment to realize his medication had been swiped. He looked around frantically, finding it in his senpai's hand.

"S-Senpai, I need that!" he yelled, jumping onto his feet on the cold tile, and reaching for the needle.

"No way." Rin growled, holding it out of Aiichirou's reach.

Aiichirou had his hand pressed against Rin's chest. He was jumping and yelling, absolutely  _panicked_.

"P-P-Please senpai! That is very important! I need it to stay here!" Aiichirou nearly screamed, his voice cracking. Rin seemed to consider this. He lowered the hand that held the needle, not letting Aiichirou take it, but indicating he was listening. Aiichirou was breathing hard, small tremors running through him. He pressed his hands to his chest and fell back onto the toilet seat.

"It's testosterone." He said, holding his hand out. Rin scrunched his brows.

"Testosterone?" he said, giving the barrel a funny look before placing it carefully in his roommate's open hand. Rin searched Aiichirou's eyes for answers, which he apparently found. "Oh! Oh fuck, Nitori, sorry." He said, shaking his head slowly, running a hand through his long hair. "I'd actually forgotten you're trans." He let out a breath of laughter, slid down the wall opposite Aiichirou, bringing his knees up and letting them fall outward. Aiichirou breathed a sigh of relief. "You hide it too well."

"I prefer it that way." He said, letting the needle rest in his two open hands.

"So why were you crying?" Rin asked nonchalantly. Aiichirou blushed.

"T-To be honest I was frustrated." He said, hesitantly looking up from the needle to his senpai. Rin nodded his head, encouraging him to continue. "I've…done this plenty of times before. But today…"

"Do you need help?" Rin asked.

"No! Nonono! No I can do it, its okay!" Aiichirou answered quickly, shaking his head from side to side animatedly. Rin frowned.

"Okay, so do it then." He gestured to the needle. Aiichirou looked down at the needle in his hands and felt his heart stutter back to nervous life. Why in the world was he so anxious today?

Aiichirou got in the position, just as he had earlier. And, just as he had earlier, couldn't bring himself to push the needle in. Rin sighed.

"Come on." Rin made a motion for Aiichirou to part his legs. Aiichirou couldn't help the horror that crept into his eyes or the shaking of his head, pressing his knees closer together. Rin was obviously suprised, but nodded, moved to the side and put his hand on Aiichirou's thigh. "So show me how to do it."

Aiichirou was a bit dizzy because  _senpai is touching me oh god his hand is on my bare thigh OH GOD_ \- He took a deep breath, grabbed a new cotton ball and soaked it in rubbing alcohol. He took his sweet time disinfecting his skin again, teetering on the edge of  _he's touching me IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE_  and  _if he doesn't move his hand I'M GOING TO START CRYING AGAIN_. His hand was shaking again by the time he'd thrown the cotton ball away, nearly missing the trash can. He shared a moment of eye contact with Rin, then, pinched his thigh like so many other times that morning.

"I already have the testosterone drawn. A-All I have to do is…pinch here. And-and stick it-" Aiichirou squeaked as Rin layered his hand over the hand that held the needle. "S-Senpai?"

"Yeah?" he asked, looking distracted.

"W-What are you doing!" Aiichirou squeaked.

"Helping you take your shot." He shrugged.

"Yes but you're-b-b-but you're-!"

"Done." Rin smiled, pulling out the needle that he'd stuck in his roommate's leg while he was babbling. He looked quite proud of himself.

"Wha-"

"Where does this go?" Rin asked with a quirked eyebrow. Aiichirou pointed to the medical waste bin he kept tucked away in the corner of the bathroom, his mouth just slightly agape. He had to blink several times before he remembered to snap his mouth closed and grab a cotton ball to wipe up the tiny bead of blood over the injection site.

Aiichirou just barely caught Rin's sleeve before he left the room. Rin met his eyes, offered him a kind smile. Aiichirou could feel the blush burning through his cheeks, but he returned the smile.

"Thank you, Rin-senpai."

"Anytime you need help, just ask. It's no problem." Rin shrugged Aiichirou's hand away and shut the bathroom door, leaving the boy alone with his thoughts.

\----

Aiichirou is the only one on the swim team to wear a top in the pool. No one's ever bothered to ask why, and the only two people who _know_  why don't care to tell them. Aiichirou was always grateful for Mikoshiba's support. If anyone else were captain, Aiichirou didn't think he would have been allowed on the team.

"First years, line up!" Mikoshiba's enthusiastic voice boomed through the room. Aiichirou jumped. Rin hadn't quite finished his last lap and Mikoshiba was giving him a look, but seemed to be waiting for the boys to finish up. Aiichirou handed Rin a towel, ripped off his track jacket, and jumped onto the nearest platform. Mikoshiba might have been rolling his eyes, but no one was looking, so who could really say.

Rin pulled his towel around his shoulders, catching his breath as he watched Aiichirou dive in.

Rin couldn't help noticing how forced Aiichirou's strokes were. Purposeful and strong, but forced. His brow furrowed, the tips of his teeth peeking out from under his open lips. Hspotted it as Aiichirou made his turn. Rin turned his head as he noticed Mikoshiba approaching, sighed, looked back towards the pool.

"His binder." Rin said. Mikoshiba hummed.

"Doesn't look too comfortable, huh?" Mikoshiba said, holding his whistle carefully.

"But he's not much slower than any of the other first years." Rin said, crossing his arms. Mikoshiba hummed again, blew his whistle, shouted for four more laps.

"Does it hurt him?" Rin asked, turning to look at Mikoshiba. "Do you know?"

"He says it doesn't, but I don't entirely believe him." Mikoshiba said. "Maybe you should ask him about it sometime."

Mikoshiba returned to standing at the head of the center lane, shouting encouragement to the struggling first years. Rin could see, though Aiichirou was not the fastest, he was by no means the most worn out, and his pace had remained steady. Whatever restriction his binder put on him was made up through pure force of will.

The upperclassmen had been released from practice, but Rin couldn't take his eyes away from Aiichirou. Without a word, he made a decision. He quickly picked up his and Aiichirou's jackets and went to stand in front of Aiichirou's lane. He pulled his jacket on slowly, draping Aiichirou's over his arm. When Aiichirou hit the end of his last lap, for the very first time, Rin was there waiting for him.

"Good work, Ai." He said, holding his hand out. Aiichirou was breathing hard and flustered and hesitated to take Rin's hand. Rin rolled his eyes and grabbed the boy's hand roughly, helping to pull him out of the pool.

"Th-Thank you, Rin." He said, a tooth ache of a smile lighting up his tired face. Rin furrowed his brow, bit down on his tongue, shoved his hands in his jacket pockets.

"Let's go." He said, taking long strides towards the locker room. Aiichirou quickly followed, matching Rin's pace.

Aiichirou was always slow to undress when they didn't stay after practice. The locker room would be full of boys, men in his eyes. It makes him feel small and scared. His heart quivered as he pressed his towel into his hair. Sometimes Rin waited with him, sometimes he didn't. Neither situation was very fun. He didn't have the luxury of undressing in public, no matter how confident he was of himself (which is to say, not very confident at all). He simply would never risk it.

Half of the boys had already left. Aiichirou was a bit worried when Rin didn't start yelling at him to hurry up. He glanced around just as Rin came out of a bathroom stall, quirking an eyebrow at his friend.

"Take your time or whatever." Rin shrugged, settling on the bench next to his friend. He almost looked  _shy_. Aiichirou was terribly confused, but nodded.

"O-Okay." He said, taking a seat on the bench. "Sorry." He said, eyes on his hands resting in his lap. Rin shook his head.

"You shouldn't let me rush you." He said, a soft glare in his eyes. "Of course you have to wait."

Aiichirou's heart was drumming against his chest. He hopped up to check the stalls, if only to hide his blushing cheeks, happy to see one was finally open. He turned on his heel, grabbing his clean clothes and telling Rin to wait just a moment. He locked himself in the stall and started wrestling with his binder, the water making it stick and pull at him. He ripped it off with a warm sigh and let it fall to the floor. Making quick work of undressing, drying, and redressing was a practiced skill and nothing less.

First, a thorough pat down with the towel to ensure he was as dry as possible. Second, underwear. Third, binder. Fourth, compression shorts. Third, shorts. Fifth, secure belt. Sixth, shirt. He went through the motions on auto pilot, going as fast as he could manage. Dressing, he thought, should be a sport all on it's own. Just that had him breathing hard even as he left the stall. When he opened the door, Rin was the only one left, still sitting on the bench.

Aiichirou approached slowly, eyes low and skittering around nervously. "I'm ready." He said.

"You wanna get some coffee?" Rin asked, eyes snapping up to Aiichirou's. He was a bit intimidating when trying to be kind, but Aiichirou had begun to recognize the kindness Rin was fond of hiding.

"I'd love to!" he said. Rin would have sworn Aiichirou's smiles could rot someone's teeth right out of their head, they were just that sweet.

"Then let's go." He said, pushing himself up onto his feet.

They walked, weaving through the bustling city under a setting sun. Aiichirou glanced at Rin. His senpai looked quite pensive. Aiichirou found himself making up all sorts of scenarios that could be bothering Rin, but none of them seemed right. It couldn't be his fault could it?

The warm air of the Starbucks pulled their chilled bodies in, enveloping them in the smell of coffee and chatter of other customers. They made their orders, took their warm coffee, found a table. Aiichirou could feel the guilt festering deep in his mind, upsetting his stomach and shocking his fingertips. He had to say something!

"R-Rin-senpai, I'm sorry." He said from behind his coffee cup. Rin's eyes shot up, his face looked almost disgusted.

"What?"

"I-I'm sorry, I'm not sure what I did but I promise I didn't mean to!"

"Aiichirou." He sighed. "No, shut up, you're not the problem." He said, taking a drink of his coffee. They'd both gotten pumpkin spice because, why not, and it was a heavenly touch on Rin's temper and Aiichirou's perpetually frayed nerves.

"What's bothering you then…?" Aiichirou asked, pressing his cold fingers around his cup. Rin pressed his lips together, looked to the side, then back at Aiichirou.

"Does your binder hurt you?" he asked, then quickly retracted. "You don't have to answer that." He took another sip of his coffee. Aiichirou smiled, shaking his head.

"No it doesn't hurt unless I wear it for too long." He said, but his smile dropped a little and his eyebrows fell. "Well, my binder is a bit old. It's kind of hard to move in now, but I don't practice nearly as much as you. So no! It really doesn't hurt!" he said cheerfully. Rin looked a little less than convinced, but he accepted Aiichirou's answer.

"Just. Take care of yourself, alright?" Rin said, making sure to look Aiichirou in the eyes.

"Oh, okay. I'll try." He said, eyes darting from side to side, shy smile.

"No that's not good enough!" Rin growled, making Aiichirou jump a little. Rin took a deep breath. "You  _have_  to take care of yourself, okay?  _Say it with me_."

"S-Senpai I'm not-"

"Say it with me goddammit!  _You have to take care of yourself_!"

" _I-I have to take care of myself_!"

Aiichirou pressed his fingertips to his lips, muffling a small giggle. Sometimes, he felt like Rin didn't care at all. Sometimes he wondered why he let himself feel how he does towards his senpai. Then Rin did something like this, and Aiichirou knew. He knew it was because Rin made him happy and loved and  _safe_.

"Can I tell you something…?" he asked, eyes anywhere but Rin.

"Of course." Rin said, confusion apparent in his voice. Aiichirou felt like he was shrinking. Like his voice was still too high, hands too delicate, chest too large. He slumped in his chair, quickly checking that his chest was hidden, which it was.

"I threw my race." He said.

"You did  _what_?" Rin leaned in, trying to catch Aiichirou's eyes, but couldn't seem to get low enough.

"It was hard enough to get permission to attend Samezuka as a male. The only reason I'm on the swim team is because Captain is a family friend." He shrugged his shoulders, he felt sick. "I was afraid of what the officials would do if I placed in my event. So I made sure I didn't win." He lifted his head, putting on a weak smile. "But it was still really fun!"

Aiichirou was amazed to see Rin looked absolutely _hurt_. His eyes were wide, eyebrows pinched together, mouth slightly open. He slumped back in his chair, took a sip of his coffee.

"You shouldn't have thrown your race." He said, a slight pout in his bottom lip. "You can't give up like that." He said. Aiichirou took a long sip of coffee, trying to think of what to say.

"It just wasn't worth it. I don't mind really." He said, smile as sweet as ever. Rin still had hurt in his eyes, but he didn't respond.

"We should get back to the dorms." He said, getting up, holding his hand out for Aiichirou's empty coffee cup. Rin threw their cups away and soon they were back in the night air, on their way back to Samezuka.

Rin was quiet that night, but only in his mouth. He wouldn't tell Aiichirou all the things going through his mind, or the sticky as fuck guilt gumming up all his thoughts. Aiichirou had been dealing with this while Rin had been throwing tantrums and only making things  _harder_  for him. He wanted to give Aiichirou the confidence he deserved, but that wasn't something anyone could give.

Rin let himself smile however, because confidence was something that could be learned, and he knew just the boy to give those lessons. Rin sat at his desk, glanced up at Aiichirou. He'd fallen asleep not long after they'd gotten back, his back expanding and falling steadily. Rin was worried, but he promised himself he would protect Aiichirou. Everything would be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter wooo I felt like there was a lot of stuff to pack in this first chapter, and the chapters to come should be longer and a touch slower. Hope you enjoyed! I have literally the entire fic planned out, and I PLAN to update every week, meaning next Sunday or Monday chapter 2 should be out. Until then, have fun, be safe, and OH-
> 
> I am in fact FTM, if anyone out there has any questions or needs resources you are welcome to ask me either here or on tumblr [foxygrampaglasses.tumblr.com].
> 
> Also! Big thanks to Leblanc who gave me my Ao3 invite!!
> 
> -FoxyGrampaGlasses


	2. Deep South's Better With a Sweater

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes things fall apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am warning you this is not a light and happy chapter! But there should be a happy chapter coming up either next chapter or the chapter after. Stay strong my readers. And thank you all for the comments!! I love hearing from readers more than anything! So keep doing that, and I hope you like this chapter.

"We're gonna be late, Ai." Rin said, lazy frown on his lips as he leaned against the wall. Loud banging and rustling could be heard from their bathroom as Aiichirou wrestled with his clothes. He'd fallen asleep after classes and now he was making Rin late for swim practice. His soft hands gripped his swim binder harder than was strictly necessary and he did his best to ignore the grating of the rough fabric against his bare skin.

"I won't be!" Aiichirou shouted as he burst out of the bathroom. He ran straight out of the dorm, grabbing his shoes on the way but not stopping to put them on. Rin yelled after him, but Aiichirou couldn't hear him over his own laughter. He wondered how rude it would be to have made Rin wait for him, then leave him to lock the door and force him to chase him down. He made it to the end of the hall before planting his bare feet firm on the dormitory's fine carpet, quickly pressing naked feet into his worn out shoes.

It was so blessedly normal. Aiichirou couldn't help the giggles bubbling up in his throat. It just made him so utterly  _happy_. In these moments, he could feel the sway of fabric on his skin. He could taste the air in his mouth. He could press his weight into the ground and simply be alive. All the nagging thoughts of  _is my chest flat enough_  or  _do they know_  or  _is it safe to use the bathroom_  went silent, completely left his mind. It was replaced with a calm that Aiichirou very rarely felt.

When he was with Rin, he felt free.

He straightened his spine and jumped when a breath ghosted over his neck. Aiichirou let out a scream, spinning on his heal and stumbling backwards a few steps.

Rin looked pleased with his revenge, pressed his finger against the mole under Aiichirou's left eye.

"Such a  _brat_." He rolled his eyes, pulling his hand away just as Aiichirou's skin began to heat up. "I mean, what a dirty trick. You know for a fact I can run faster than you. Nice try though." he waved goodbye to Aiichirou with an endearing smile, feet falling into a perfect sprint carrying him to the pool.

"Ah-senpaiii!" Aiichirou yelled, reaching for the body that was already long gone. It was all too true. Aiichirou just wasn't very fast. His shoulders dropped with a tired sigh. He had been so close to beating his senpai for the first time. He knew he really would be late if he didn't get a move on, though, so he ran through the dormitory's main entrance and followed Rin's path.

The air was cold and crisp, carrying the distinct smell of fall. The sun was still high in the sky, but Aiichirou knew it wouldn't stay there for much longer as the days got shorter and shorter. When he finally made it to the pool's double doors, he was breathing hard, the sun having left a kaleidoscope of colors shimmering over his field of vision.

His fingertips only brushed the door when he heard the voices of the Iwatobi boys echoing through the metal. Aiichirou hesitated, his hand falling slightly. He knew each boy by name, and even a bit about their personalities.

Haruka acted disinterested, but his eyes gave him away every time. Makoto was too friendly for words. Nagisa was the only boy shorter than him, but was by no means a small person in voice or emotion. Rei had the most unshakeable confidence he'd ever seen in a swimmer who couldn't swim. They were a perfectly blended rainbow of characters, completed only by his hot-headed senpai.

Aiichirou absolutely adored the smile Rin wore around his friends these days, but he also couldn't ignore the dull aching sadness deep in his chest. He wanted Rin to smile like that for  _him_. He wanted Rin to smile  _with him_. But Rin was a brilliant red and Aiichirou was a washed out grey. He had no right to stand among such bright colors, even if they allowed it. He pushed his face into a polite smile as easily as he pushed open the door.

"-Ai-chan." Nagisa giggled. Aiichirou's cheeks flushed, eyes wide and fixed on the group of boys gathered around the side of the pool. ' _Are they talking about me?'_

"S-Shut the fuck up Nagisa!" Rin yelled, making a move to push Nagisa into the pool if only to see the boy flinch.

"Shh, Nagisa!" Makoto tried to whisper, but his nervous voice cracked and his poorly hidden pointing finger was all too obvious. Aiichirou frowned, face flushed red, shoulders hunched and eyes darting around the many tiles on the floor.

His back was turned and disappearing behind the locker room door before Rin could turn around. He found his locker, the bustling of the other swimmers muted in his mind. He checked to make sure he had a change of clothes, shoved his jacket inside, grabbed two towels. He shut the locker door gently. His heart was still beating against his chest. ' _They were talking about me.'_

The production of fear from curiosity was a perfect self-sustaining system and Aiichirou could feel his mind spiraling out of control. They probably hadn't even been talking about him, he'd just heard half a word. Or perhaps they had been talking about a different Ai? It wasn't the most uncommon name. Or maybe they were all asking Rin about him. Maybe they'd noticed how Aiichirou clung to their friend. Maybe they were tired of always having to include him.

Aiichirou forced a slow breath, and with towels pressed over his chest, left the locker room. He knew he was likely to let all of his thoughts spill free and the more he thought the more ridiculous nonsense he'd end up telling Rin.

Rin was already in the pool, pushing his way through the water. A stopwatch seemed to fall out of thin air and Aiichirou nearly fell in the pool catching it. He looked around, everyone busy except-

Nagisa flashed him a bright smile and a peace sign from where he was bent over on one of the starting platforms, and just like that dived in. Aiichirou didn't have time to ponder if Nagisa was friend or foe, however.

As always Rin called his name and Aiichirou ran to his lane, naked feet pitter pattering on the hard floor. He gasped a small 'oh', held up his index finger to Rin apologetically, and dashed to get the clipboard hanging on the wall in the locker room. Rin was impatient by the time he returned, but in a subdued kind of way.

"Ready?" he asked, leaning his elbow on the edge of the pool.

"Ready!" Aiichirou smiled holding the stopwatch above his head. Rin pulled himself out of the pool and got set up on the platform. Aiichirou pinched his brows together, watching carefully.

His dive was a pin prick in the water's surface. Aiichirou always felt his muscles tense as Rin did his laps, as if he could somehow give him what little strength he had. His mind went quiet, eyes shifting between Rin's blurred figure and the stop watch in his hand.

Joint practice days were mostly for the Iwatobi team which lacked an indoor pool, so they were given priority over the home team. Most of the Samezuka team left them to it, hanging around the edges of the room. Aiichirou was vaguely aware of Captain Mikoshiba's animated voice chatting away with Gou-chan.

"No fair!" Nagisa popped up from under the water, giving Aiichirou a fright bad enough that he almost accidentally turned the stop watch off. "I wish I had someone to time my laps."

"I-I'm sorry Nagisa-kun, if you wait for Rin-senpai to finish I'm sure I can find someone to-"

"No that's okay!" Nagisa waved his hand dismissively. He just stayed there, bobbing slightly in the water, a big smile stuck on his face. Aiichirou looked away, then back, his toes curling.

"O-Okay, if you're sure." He said, glancing back at Rin.

Aiichirou's thumb pressed down on the stop watch just as Rin hit the end of his laps, gasping for breath through the spaces in his sharp teeth. It was a mutual thing now, Rin reaching his broad hand for Aiichirou and Aiichirou grasping thin fingers around it. But Aiichirou could feel Nagisa's eyes on them and a blush crept up the back of his neck as Rin got on his feet.

Rin took his towel from where it was draped over Aiichirou's arm. Aiichirou watched him, Rin's chest rising and falling harshly as he caught his breath. Nagisa was still lazing on the edge of the pool, letting out a loud hum of approval.

"Looking good Rin-chan!" he laughed. Rin shot him a glare, but it was more of a challenge than a threat. Somehow, Aiichirou felt like he was missing some inside joke.

"Maybe if you actually practiced you could look half as good as me, huh?" Rin squinted, lips pursed. Nagisa just laughed harder.

"Probably!" he shook his head, ignoring a very pointed glare Rei was shooting him from the next lane over.

Aiichirou sighed a small breath of relief as Nagisa got up on his platform and went back to practicing. Rin looked exhausted. Aiichirou's lips parted, questions balancing on his tongue before irreversibly falling into the open air.

"Are you alright Senpai? Maybe you should take a break, did you get enough sleep last night?" he asked, worry apparent in his quivering blue eyes. Rin slid his eyes from Nagisa to Aiichirou, frowned.

"I'm fine. What about  _you_?" He asked, snatching the clipboard and stopwatch from Aiichirou.

"Wha-I'm fine." He said, hands in the air aimlessly without anything to hold.

"Good, then why don't you give me 500 meters." He said, flipping to a clean page in the clipboard. Aiichirou shook his head slowly. "I know you can do it, I've seen you do way more than that." Rin said, eyes focused on the clipboard. Aiichirou pressed his lips together in a thin line and nodded.

He stretched his arms upward, trying to get a feel for the pull of his binder. It always seemed different every day, and never got any easier. Rin was watching now though,  _expecting_. Aiichirou could do it, and he'd do it  _well_  just for Rin.

As soon as the water washed over his ears and pushed against him, Aiichirou knew something was not quite right. The push and pull was quickly devolving into a harsh drag, seams grinding against soft flesh. But the water was calming and washed the rest of the world away. Aiichirou couldn't find his worry, it was lost in the current he was creating with his body.

His arms didn't quite fold right as he made his turn. ' _For Rin, do it well for Rin he's watching you, you have Rin's attention don't waste it.'_  Something inside him was falling apart. Somewhere in his mind he was scared. Somewhere in his heart he was panicking. Each stroke scratched more than the last. Aiichirou caught a mouthful of water as he went under and realized, it wasn't something inside falling apart, it was  _his binder_.

The seams burst open as he surfaced through the stroke. The water stung his eyes and chest. His hands searched frantically for the edge of the pool, able to find it despite his tightly shut eyes and water soaked lungs. In his coughing fit, he found the hard edge of the pool with his forehead, and even though his eyes were closed it felt like the world was spinning. He pulled himself up, resting his forearms on the edge of the pool.

The room was oddly silent as his coughing lessened. Aiichirou cracked his eyes open. His head ached, his chest burned, the light was blinding. A room full of wide eyed, gaping swimmers came into focus. Aiichirou rubbed at his eyes, looked from side to side, looked down at himself. His blood turned ice cold as horror crept into his heart. Everyone could see his bare chest. Everyone was  _staring_  at his  _bare chest_.

He didn't even hear the scream that burst from his lips before he pushed himself under the water, arms crossed over his chest protectively.  _'They saw.'_  Aiichirou let out a gasp, air bubbles rising to the surface. His back hit the bottom of the pool, but he refused to move.  _'They all saw they all know what I am.'_  His shoulders started shaking, tiny bubbles of air leaving him. He knew he needed air, but he couldn't bring himself to face the men above him.

And then strong hands were grabbing at him, pulling him up.

"Get a  _fucking_  towel!" Rin yelled, his voice ringing in Aiichirou's ears. His shoulders shook even more now that he could gasp in air. He could hear the beat of feet running against the hard flooring fade and return. The swimmers must have finally found their wits, chatter broke out among them.

"Captain, is it just me or does Nitori- _chan_  have  _boobs?_ " one boy asked. Aiichirou's eyes shot up, wide, filled with pure terror as he stared at this boy that had once been a friendly teammate. His face was blurred by big, hot tears that rolled smoothly down his cheek and mixed with cool pool water. He hiccupped uncontrollably, jaw chattering, his entire being shaking.

"You shut your  _disrespectful mouth_  and  _get out of here_." Mikoshiba sneered. The swimmers jumped, quickly gathered their things, and filed into the locker room. Mikoshiba was enthusiastic, but he rarely showed outright anger at his team. Gou-chan looked particularly upset and unsure of what to do with herself. Under the pitter patter of their feet, Aiichirou recognized Nagisa's whining voice.

"Haru-Haru- _what happened_? Makoto?  _Reiiii_? I missed it!" Nagisa cried.

"You guys too. Get the hell out." Mikoshiba said, pointing his thumb to the locker room. He glanced at Gou-chan, whispering an apology.

"But-!"

"Stop it, Nagisa." Rei chided, leading the smaller boy away from the pool.

Haruka caught Rin's eyes with one of those looks that said he knew more than he was saying, which was nothing at all. Aiichirou shared a passing glance with Rei and Makoto, both boys looking perplexed but sympathetic.

Aiichirou couldn't stop crying. Not after everyone had left. Not after Rin and Mikoshiba lifted him out of the pool and wrapped a large towel around his shoulders. Rin's hands around his shoulders were a god send keeping him upright. He swayed in his senpai's grasp, but he was held firm and didn't once fall while both Rin and Mikoshiba walked him silently back to the dorms.

Aiichirou focused on the tiniest movements in Rin's hand as he unlocked their dorm room, his tears calming but body still hit with nervous shaking. Mikoshiba handed him the change of clothes that had been in his locker and squeezed his shoulder.

"Can you get dressed?" Mikoshiba asked, voice uncharacteristically gentle. Aiichirou opened his mouth to respond, but could feel tears welling in his eyes again. He bit down and nodded, locking himself in the bathroom.

His hands were shaking horribly as he let the towel drop to the floor. His binder hung off his hips, torn down both sides and just barely held together by the bottom seam. Aiichirou's lips quivered, his jaw ached, but he held the tears back. His arms felt far too heavy and as he attempted to remove his binder the last few stitches ripped.

He stood there, a panel of binding spandex in each hand. He felt huge. Too big for his skin. As if his soul were pushing and pressing against his physical body, trying desperately to mold it into the right shape. A few lone tears slipped down his face. He'd spent his entire life trying to bend himself into the right shape, and what good that had done him.

He was a photo that couldn't be seen, only described. He depended on the words of others to carry his image, because somehow he was not a reliable source for his own being. He spent his life being invisible and thank god for that. He never wanted to be seen through eyes that were painting their own portraits of him. And how much it  _hurt_  to know that he was being seen for the first time, yet not one pair of eyes had met his.

He felt like his head was full of cotton balls. Everything was numb and painful all at the same time.

Aiichirou pulled on his everyday binder over a worn out undershirt. He thought about keeping the door locked, refusing to come out, but he wanted nothing more than those strong hands back around him. So he struggled to get his binder on, pulled a light yellow polo over it, shorts over his shaking legs. He pressed his hand flat against the door, then his forehead. He flinched away from the pain that flared there, remembered how he'd hit his head. His hand slid away, he opened the door.

Mikoshiba and Rin were sitting on the bottom bunk, waiting for Aiichirou. Mikoshiba got up, gesturing for Aiichirou to take his place. Aiichirou couldn't look either of them in the eye. He couldn't even hear them, everything sounded so far away. Only Rin's fingers, brushing back his bangs, could bring the world back into focus.

"You hit your head pretty hard, Ai. Are you okay?" he asked, gently prodding at the edges of swelling skin. Aiichirou nodded, face blank, eyes stuck on the floor. Mikoshiba sighed loudly, disappearing into the bathroom for a moment. Aiichirou hesitantly took the open spot next to Rin on the edge of his bed.

Mikoshiba returned and knelt in front of Aiichirou, rubbing alcohol in one hand and cotton ball in the other. He was as gentle as could be, but Aiichirou still flinched away, still felt his breath hitch.

"Just a little more." He assured with a soft smile. Aiichirou ground his teeth together, resolved not to cry anymore. Mikoshiba leaned back slowly. "There, done." He said, tossing the dirty cotton ball. He pressed his hands over his knees and pushed himself up onto his feet.

"I will be having a talk with the team tomorrow." He said, arms crossed. "I'm sure the school will hear about this, though. Nitori, be prepared to deal with that." He sighed, glancing at Rin. He leaned over to the boy, "Take care of him, alright?" he whispered. Rin nodded.

The click of Mikoshiba shutting their door seemed to echo on for minutes. Aiichirou was absolutely still, knowing if he so much as breathed out of sync he'd be sobbing again.

"It's okay, Ai." Rin said. Aiichirou's eyes shot up to his senpai's, he could already feel tears welling. "Guys show their naked chests all the time, it's no big deal."

Rin could see even as he was saying it what a shitty thing that was to say. He tried to grab Aiichirou's shoulder, but the boy had stumbled onto his feet. This was the very first time Rin had ever seen true anger in his friend's eyes.

"No big  _deal?"_  he screeched, fists balled tight. "That-The entire swim team!  _They all saw_!" he said, backing up towards the door when Rin stood up. "I was finally living as a real male and now I can't do that anymore and you think that's  _no big deal?"_  he was yelling, tears streaming down his face. He'd never been angry at Rin before, and he probably never would be again. He felt like he couldn't get enough air, like he was still back at the pool naked while his teammates mocked him. His hands were over his chest, trying to hide what was already covered.

"Ai, no that's-that's not what I meant-" Rin tried to reason with him, but Aiichirou couldn't hear him.

"Leave me alone!" he yelled, jerking their door open and slamming it shut after him.

His feet were pounding against the earth before he knew it. The world was a blur of red darkening to purple, the tiniest sprinkle of starts starting to shine. He ran to the courtyard of the campus, knowing he'd need to go back. Being caught out after curfew would only make this situation so much worse for him. What would the teachers even say about him when they heard about this?

He prayed to any god that might listen to his small crying heart that maybe the heavy breathing could drowned out the fear and pain pulsing through him.

He stopped near a tree, bending over himself, breathing hard. He kept wiping at his eyes, but couldn't seem to dry the tears and his face began to feel raw. Even now, as he fell down onto hard concrete and scrubbed at his face, he could feel the guilt of yelling at Rin building. He gave up on wiping the tears and just pressed his fists to his eyes.

Rin was supposed to be his safety in this world. Would that change now that he'd yelled at him? Aiichirou had no idea where he should be if not by Rin's side. He couldn't think of a single place that felt safer to him, even if he believed he didn't belong there. He had wanted away from Rin's nonsensical comfort that hurt more than it helped, but at the same time all he needed was to be with Rin.

Aiichirou sniffed loudly, his nose stuffed. He could cry all night, but the sun had set and a slight breeze was chilling him. He shivered, pulling his arms around himself. He didn't want to move. Maybe he could just stay here all night. Maybe he'd freeze to death.

"Nitori?"

Aiichirou's body tensed as he heard his name, fingernails digging into his palms. He slowly turned his head. Under the light of a lamppost was one of the boys from the swim team. Aiichirou's stomach churned.

"Hey, Nitori, it is you! What was that at practice huh?" he asked, stepping out of the light and coming to Aiichirou's side. Aiichirou shook his head frantically, words stuck in his throat. No no he couldn't deal with this right now. He sprang to his feet, ready to run, but the boy was persistent.

"Hey-wait Nitori!" he said, catching the boy's shoulder. "No I mean, I didn't mean to find you here, but I'm  _really_  curious. Like, what's going on with you?" he asked. Aiichirou thought for a split second the boy was trying to be supportive, but that was a dream crushed all too quickly.

"I mean-what's it look like? You know-" his eyes raked down and back up Aiichirou's body. "Down there?" he asked. Aiichirou pulled his shoulder away from the boy, a tight glare on his face.

"I won't talk about that." He said, bursting into a run before the boy could respond. He ran without looking, ran without listening, ran straight into another body.

Aiichirou cried out as they fell onto the concrete. Hands grabbed his flailing wrists, he panicked. This was it. The entire swim team was after him. This was how he would die this was-

"Aiichirou!" Rin's gruff voice shattered his panic. Aiichirou looked down to find Rin underneath him, holding his wrists, looking incredibly frazzled. Rin drew in a slow breath, sighed loudly. Aiichirou relaxed as Rin gently let go of his wrists. "I was worried." He explained as Aiichirou got up and off him. He couldn't help it, Aiichirou was beyond relieved. His heart calmed, shoulders relaxed. He was safe again.

"I'm s-"

"Don't you dare apologize." Rin shot him a warning glare.

"But I-"

"Have _nothing_  to apologize for, you got that?" his frown deepened. Aiichirou wanted to argue, but the look on Rin's face and the aching in his head stopped him. Rin smiled, small, almost timid. Just like earlier that day, all of his fears were washed away in the safety that Rin gave him.

Rin walked Aiichirou back to their dorm under the stars, enveloped in silence. How funny it would have been if they'd known they were both thinking the same thing.

" _I wish I could hold his hand."_

And how funny it was that no hands were held that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating early yaaaay! I still haven't gotten my uniform for work, so I won't start until next Tuesday. Which means free time to keep updating this fic at rapid speed! Now, I don't know how Japan works as well as America cause America is where I live. I did clash with my school over transgender rights, and if you wanna hear that rather long and angry story, shoot me a question on tumblr [foxygrampaglasses.tumblr.com]. It could be nice to know as I'm drawing heavily from my own experience for this fic, but I'll try to stay away from misrepresenting how Japan works in that regard (cause I have no idea).
> 
> Things are hard right now! But do not fret! Happy is coming. Promise.
> 
> -FoxyGrampaGlasses


	3. West Coast Sunsets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin and company want to have a sleep over and Aiichirou is invited!

Aiichirou was slow to wake up the next morning. Rin was quiet, though that wasn't terribly unusual. Aiichirou usually made up for Rin's silence, but today ghostly quiet rang in the boys' ears.

Aiichirou didn't want to deal with the day. He kept his head buried in his pillows. Maybe he just wouldn't go to class. He could curl up under the sheets and stay safe and sound.

He'd have to quit the swim team.

Aiichirou's stomach clenched. Swimming was the only thing that drowned out the constant paranoia in his head, and now that was ruined. Aiichirou curled his knees up to his chest.

"Ai?" Rin whispered. Aiichirou felt a warm hand on his shoulder. It didn't matter how much he wanted that hand to stay, he still flinched away from it. "Come on get up." Rin said, withdrawing his hand. Aiichirou tugged the blankets over his head.

"I'm not going to class today, senpai. Don't wait for me." he said through the sheets. He wasn't sure of Rin's response, or if there was any at all.

Nearly an hour had passed by the time Aiichirou pulled back his blankets and opened his eyes. His stomach growled but he wasn't hungry. He rolled onto his back, stretched his arms and legs long. He felt...he wasn't sure what. Numb? Removed. Far away. He glanced at the door. He could get lunch. But what was waiting out there?

He never did leave his dorm room. It was so much easier just to stay in this space he knew was kind and he could be alone. The only downside to the quiet was the gaping space it left in his mind for worry and doubt. What had the swim team told everyone. The principle wasn't the least supportive, but he wouldn't go out of his way to defend Aiichirou. There was a very real possibility that he could be expelled.

It took more energy than an entire day's swim practice, but Aiichirou eventually forced himself up and out of bed. He wobbled over to his messy desk and fell into his chair. Shuffling around the drawers, he located his small stash of junk food saved just for an occasion like this when he felt too shitty to find decent food.

He played games on his phone, doodled on some notes, sent an e-mail to his uncle, munched away on junk food that was probably only making him feel worse. The day was slow and agonizing and Aiichirou started to feel like he'd been locked away, and the warden was his own fear. He'd skipped classes today, what in the world would he do tomorrow?

The sound of the door opening seemed so loud that Aiichirou nearly broke his neck with how fast he turned his head. Rin shut the door behind him, threw his bag under his desk. His eyes slowly found Aiichirou's.

"You didn't even change." He frowned. Aiichirou looked down at himself. He was indeed still in his pajamas and-

Aiichirou squeaked, quickly hunching forward so the large t-shirt he was wearing would hang flat with the help of gravity. He didn't even think about Rin coming home and seeing him. He probably wouldn't have minded Rin seeing, but having his bare chest on display for the entire swim team had made him horribly sensitive. He felt fragile. Not even Rin was safe enough.

"Aiichirou!" Rin growled, frown deepening. "You don't have to hide from me. You  _know_  that."

"I-I'm sorry, senpai." He said, his fists curling around the fabric of his shirt. Rin looked like he'd been slapped in the face. He looked  _sad_.

"...Ai?" He asked softly.

"...senpai?" Aiichirou answered. Rin's lips drew back down into a fierce frown.

"Fine. Whatever. Sulk here all day, I don't care." He said, but his anger didn't stick and his words lacked their usual bite. "I'm going to swim practice." He grunted as he left, slamming their door shut.

Aiichirou pulled his feet onto his chair, hugging his knees to his chest. He pressed his face to his knees, shook. What was he doing  _wrong_?

* * *

Aiichirou was awake when Rin finally came home from practice. He wasn't sure what time it was, but the sky was dark and their room was cold and he'd turned the lights off. Rin grunted, and Aiichirou could hear the rustling of his jacket being pulled off and hung on the back of his desk chair.

Aiichirou tried to keep breathing steady. He hadn't greeted Rin, and he wasn't ready to talk to him either. He felt so unsure of everything, and the safety he felt with Rin was being shaken and destroyed. He refused to blame Rin, but didn't trust himself enough to believe anything entirely. He just needed to be left alone. Rin had other plans, however.

" _Aiichirou_." Rin spoke loudly. Aiichirou couldn't help the surprised squeak that escaped when a mysterious, and very warm, bag dropped onto his stomach. He groaned, his cover blown.

Aiichirou sat up as Rin flicked on their light. He had to wait a minute for the light to stop burning his eyes before he could see the bag Rin had given him was  _full_  of fast food. Aiichirou blinked slowly.

"You haven't eaten, right? Fuck, you haven't even left this room, have you?" Rin asked, hands on his hips. Aiichirou turned his head, cautiously looked down at Rin. He shook his head, words not coming to him. Rin sighed. "Well I didn't buy all that  _just for you_ , if you were wondering. Some of its mine too. So get your skinny butt down here so we can have some fucking dinner." Rin said, his voice rough as he pulled out both his and Aiichirou's desk chairs. Aiichirou felt nervous, but he couldn't say no. He couldn't say anything at all. And fuck it all, he was hungry.

He threw a thin blanket around his shoulders to hide unbound chest, swung his legs over the edge of his bed and hopped down. His hand felt small as he grabbed the paper bag and handed it back to Rin.

Rin divided the food equally, and wasted no time getting to work on it. Aiichirou folded one leg underneath himself as he took a seat, gently picking up a chicken sandwich. Rin was eating like he hadn't seen food in days. Aiichirou wondered how hard he must have practiced to be so hungry.

His eyes fell to his sandwich, and without much thought he took a bite. It was the moment it hit his tongue that he realized how painfully starved he was. He swallowed the bite, and before long he was eating just as viciously as Rin. He wiped at his mouth with his wrist as he finished his second sandwich.

"Thank you, senpai." He said from behind the hand covering his mouth. He couldn't bring himself to look at Rin, but he could hear the other boy stop chewing and swallow.

"Are you going to school tomorrow?" He asked. Aiichirou thought for a moment, then shook his head.

"I don't think so…" He said. Rin sighed loudly, his chair squeaking as he leaned back against it.

"You can't just. Quit school over this." He said. Aiichirou let out a sad, self-deprecating laugh.

"I very well could." He shook his head. "I don't want to stop going to school. But if the principle hears about what happened, it probably won't be my choice if I stay or not." He said, then shoved a few French fries into his mouth to keep him from saying anything more.

"Mikoshiba talked with the team. He talked and talked and  _talked some fucking more_ , there was even some yelling towards the end." Rin rolled his eyes. "I thought it'd never end. But I have to admit," He paused, taking a long sip of water. "I think I learned some new things about being a good ally." His voice was so soft. Now he met Rin's eyes. He looked so tired, beaten, completely worn down.

"I've been shit to you. You know that. I just-I'm not-" Rin shook his head and let out a frustrated sigh. "I'm not trying to excuse what I've said, but I want to make it up to you?" He said. He frowned, turned his head away from Aiichirou. "I want you to come back to swim practice." He mumbled. Aiichirou felt his heart twitch with affection, whether he wanted it to or not. He rubbed one hand over his other nervously.

"I can't practice again until I get a new swim binder anyway." He said, voice small and quiet.

"I want you to go back to  _classes_." Rin persisted.

"I-I'm probably getting expelled anyway…" Aiichirou curled in towards himself. Rin was trying so hard, and he knew he was being difficult.

"You don't know that." Rin said, hands balled into tight fists. "How is anyone supposed to learn to see trans people as regular human beings if you always try to  _hide_?"

"Senpai, you're-" there were tears welling in Aiichirou's eyes, again, a pained smile on his face. He could tell Rin was trying  _so hard_. "You're saying all the wrong things." He sniffed, shaking his head. Rin's eyes snapped up to meet Aiichirou's, his frown relaxed. He cursed under his breath.

"God  _dammit_." He grumbled, his head falling into his hands. Aiichirou wiped at his eyes, a soft giggle leaving his lips.

"Did you know, before I met you and Mikoshiba, I was afraid to talk to boys?" Aiichirou asked, still sniffing and wiping at the corner of his eyes. Rin slowly lifted his head, looked at his friend. Aiichirou nodded. "I'm afraid of a lot of things, and even talking to the boys in my class can still make me pretty nervous. But I'm not afraid. Or…I wasn't. Because you and Mikoshiba let me forget that I'm different. I felt like I didn't have to worry anymore." He giggled again. Rin's mouth was hanging open. Then his eyebrows drew down into a soft glare.

It didn't matter that Rin always said the wrong thing. Aiichirou was sure he wasn't any better. It mattered that Rin always came back and tried harder than the time before. It mattered that, yes mistakes were made, but never the same mistake twice. They were  _both_  learning. They were growing and working through all the confusion, together.

* * *

Aiichirou had planned to move as little as possible to conserve energy. He skipped classes just as he said he would, lay in bed with a book open and balanced on his collarbone. He was fully prepared to never set foot outside his dorm ever again.

That was, until Mikoshiba started  _blowing up his phone_.

Apparently, despite promising to 'look out' for Aiichirou, Mikoshiba was too busy to visit the boy in person. Instead, he made sure to text Aiichirou every five minutes. Every passing period. Before lunch. During lunch. After lunch. In the middle of class. At the end of class. As he dressed for swim practice.

Aiichirou screamed when his phone started ringing, his heart pounding in his chest. He shot up in bed, clutching his phone. He could ignore it.

He jumped when just as the chiming stopped, it immediately started again. Aiichirou growled, flipping the phone open in defeat.

"…H-Hello?" He asked.

"I did  _NOT_  spend  _two hours_  lecturing the  _entire swim team_  yesterday for you to quit the team." Mikoshiba yelled. Aiichirou let out a small whine.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" He yelled back. Mikoshiba sighed.

"Rin and I are both here for you. You're safe. I  _promise_." He said. Aiichirou's fingers curled around his shirt. "You're coming to practice, I'm not letting you skip. If it'll make you feel better, one of us can walk you to the pool."

"C-Captain that's…you don't have to-" Aiichirou said, trying to find the polite way to decline without denying that was exactly what he needed.

"Alright, I'm sending Rin to come get you. Be ready when he gets there."

"But-no I don't-!" Aiichirou stammered, but Mikoshiba hung up on him and suddenly Aiichirou was falling out of the top bunk and pulling his binder on at the speed of light. Aiichirou was breathing hard when Rin opened the door.

Rin raised an eyebrow but Aiichirou just smiled sheepishly.

"R-Ready…" He said, eyes darting around the floor. Rin held the door so Aiichirou could slip into the hall. He locked the door and made sure to walk at the same pace as Aiichirou. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket, pursed his lips. Aiichirou couldn't help noticing how Rin kept glancing at him.

"S-Senpai…?" He asked. Rin met his eyes but only frowned. He held the dormitory's front door for Aiichirou. The fresh, cold air was a great relief to Aiichirou, who hadn't left his dorm in nearly two days.

"I'm spending the night with the Iwatobi team this weekend." He said. Aiichirou smiled softly, his lips shaped around a response but Rin cut him off. "We want you to come too." He said.

"No." The word left his mouth so quickly Aiichirou wasn't sure he'd even actually said it. Rin flashed hurt eyes at him. "I-I mean. I mean no, I'd rather not." He said, eyes falling to his feet.

"What? Why not?" Rin pressed. Aiichirou hugged his arms around himself and shrugged.

"…I can't sleep in my binder." He said.

"But you can  _trust_  them."

Aiichirou fidgeted with the cuff of his jacket. He knew that if Rin was there, he was safe. He knew that, but the thought of spending a night with five men, not wearing a binder. He felt sick.

"I-I can't do it, I'm sorry." Aiichirou said. Seeing the pool doors just up ahead, he hurried forward and went inside. Unfortunately, this put him smack dab in the center of the Iwatobi team which had been gathered near the door. Nagisa noticed him first, his eyes wide and sparkling.

"Ah, Ai-chan!" He smiled, waving. The rest of the boys looked over, offering small greetings and smiles. Aiichirou was horrified, but returned the gestures all the same.

"You're coming to the movie night this weekend right, Aiichirou-kun?" Haruka asked, looking impassive as ever. Aiichirou opened his mouth, shook his head slightly, bit down.

"I don't-"

"Rin and Captain Mikoshiba explained it all to us." Nagisa interrupted. Makoto, big, tall, manly Makoto smiled so gently, nodding.

"It's okay if you're uncomfortable with it but, we thought you deserved to be included in something like this." He said. Aiichirou's heart hurt. He found a look of solid support in every single one of the boys' eyes. And it hurt.

"We are most likely still confused about a few things," Rei added, adjusting his glasses in the way only Rei did. "We ask you please correct any of our offensive behavior."

"I-I don't-I mean I-" Aiichirou's bottom lip was quivering, but an involuntary smile was tugging at the corners of his lips. "T-Thank you, I look forward to it." He said. The boys exchanged triumphant looks. Rin walked through the doors then, looking quite sour.

"Oh-Oh Rin-chan! Did you hear! Ai-chan is coming to the movie night!" Nagisa yelled happily. Rin's eyebrows pinched together, his mouth falling open.

"No way, Ai, really?" he asked, turning to face his friend. Aiichriou shrugged.

"Nagisa-kun is very convincing." He laughed nervously. A beat of confusion passed over Rin's face and then his lips pulled into a toothy grin.

"Fuck yeah." He said, high fiving Nagisa's raised hand. Aiichirou pressed a hand to mouth as he giggled.

"Don't just stand  _around_." Mikoshiba yelled from the other side of the pool. "We don't let you use our pool just so you can stand around it looking  _cute_ , get practicing!"

Even Haru had to turn his head and laugh at that.

Aiichirou's heart was positively swelling. He'd never been invited to a sleep over. He thought he was too old for them now. Beyond that, he hadn't had any friends. And now five talented swimmers were putting one together just for him, going out of their way to make him feel safe and welcomed.

Aiichirou was beyond excited.

* * *

Everyone arrived at Haruka's house at 8pm in their most comfortable pajamas.

As Makoto led Rin and Aiichirou to the sitting room, he caught a glimpse of Haru working on dinner in a fitted shirt and loose capris. Makoto was wearing a plain shirt and pants much like Rin and Aiichirou. Rei wore a surprisingly adorable purple butterfly print button up shirt and pants. Nagisa had on a pink short sleeved hoodie and rather  _short_  shorts. He pushed up and away from Rei when he saw Aiichirou enter the room.

"Ahh, you guys made it!" Nagisa greeted both boys by jumping up and swinging his arms around their necks in an energetic hug that nearly knocked all three of them over.

"Get  _off_  Nagisa I swear-" Rin growled. Nagisa let go of them, but couldn't seem to look sorry if he tried.

"Haru's making dinner and Rei-chan is  _so boring_ , I thought I was gonna die!" he complained, a far of shout of 'HEY' from Rei. Aiichirou giggled.

"I'm sure Rei-kun is plenty interesting, you should give him another chance Nagisa-kun." Aiichirou said, a shy smile on his face. He could see a proud look on Rin's face out of the corner of his eye, and he almost hated how much it boosted his confidence. His hands were shaky and he was nervous as heck, but here he was, outside his dorm room with real people. Nagisa smiled brightly.

"Rei is fine, Nagisa is just a  _bully_." Makoto sighed, moving passed the boys and finding a seat on the floor next to Rei who was nodding enthusiastically. Nagisa gripped his heart in mock pain, tumbled to the ground.

"You WOUND me!" He cried from the floor. Rin dug the heel of his foot lightly into Nagisa's stomach, a disgusted look on his face.

"We  _wish_." He groaned, but it was mostly drowned out by Nagisa's obnoxious laughter.

"N-No-No Rin-chan don't!" He gasped between giggles. "I'm TICKLISH." He squealed. Rin grimaced and removed his foot, shaking his head. Nagisa hugged his hands around his sides as he tried to calm down, rolling up into a sitting position. He motioned for Aiichirou to sit next to him, so Aiichirou did.

"None of us know much about Ai so we should play a game to get to know each other!" Nagisa said, stretching to grab and rummage through his bag.

"Isn't that a bit childish, Nagisa?" Rei asked, thumb and pointer finger around his glasses.

"Oh stop acting like we're all grownups Rei,  _please_." Nagisa sounded exasperated. "Where is your youthful passion!?" He asked, snapping his spine straight and dropping a rather large bag of sweets onto the table in the center of the room. Aiichirou's eyes went wide, a childish sparkle in them. Nagisa snickered. "You want some?" he asked. Aiichirou glanced from the candy to Nagisa, his mouth in a small 'o' shape.

"M-May I?" he asked politely. Nagisa clapped him on the back.

"You're hanging out with us, which means you're a friend, which means you have my express permission to eat to your heart's content!" Nagisa answered. Rin and Makoto shared a worried look, but said nothing. Aiichirou smiled wide.

"Thank you Nagisa!" he said, picking up packet of strawberry pocky sticks. He ripped the packet open and drew out a stick, nibbling on the end. He tended to notice every little move Rin made, so how in the world he missed the rather adorable blush spreading over his senpai's face was a complete mystery.

Makoto jumped up as he spotted Haruka entering the room, a tray of fried mackerel in his hands. Haruka placed the tray on the table and Makoto yelled that he would get the plates. Haruka exchanged a nod with Rin, then turned to Aiichirou.

"Hey." He said. Aiichirou had a feeling that Haruka's one word greeting was a rather big deal, and as such Haruka did not linger and fell down on the floor in front of the meal he'd made. Aiichirou bowed his head to Haruka.

"Hello, thank you for having me." He said, bright smile and rosy cheeks. Haruka didn't smile back, but something in his eyes looked calm and glad to see Aiichirou feeling comfortable.

When Makoto returned to the table with plates, everyone squished in and grabbed some fish. Aiichirou and Rei stayed out of most of the conversation, with Rin, Haruka, and Nagisa dominating. But Aiichirou liked it this way. He liked that he got to hear them talk and to laugh at their jokes and be a part of making Rin's wide smiles.

"Aiichirou-kun." Rei said, moving away from the conversation that had escalated around the table. Something about sharks and dolphins? Aiichirou was having trouble keeping up. He turned to face Rei, pulling his knees to his chest.

"Rei-kun." He smiled shyly. Rei nodded, smiling back.

"I'm glad you came." He said, glancing at the other boys around the table. "And I hope you know, you're always welcome around us." He said. Aiichirou blushed, eyes wide.

"Yes, thank you." He said. Aiichirou didn't know how, but Rei seemed to understand exactly what had been on his mind. He smiled sympathetically.

"I used to worry that because Rin-san had a strong history with Nagisa, Haruka-senpai, and Makoto-senpai that I would never fit in." He turned his eyes back to Aiichirou. "These guys are some of the best people I've ever met. We didn't invite you lightly, that is to say, the gesture is in no way halfhearted. I hope you understand that." He said, adjusting his glasses. Aiichirou had to blink several times, then nodded.

"To be honest, that makes really happy." He said, a smile so wide it hurt his cheeks. Rei's smile faltered slightly.

"I don't mean to pry, Aiichirou-kun, but you," Rei looked off to the side, his hands trying to physically grab the right words out of the air. "You seem like you've been through some dark places." He said, looking at Aiichirou for approval on his hopefully inoffensive language. Aiichirou blinked, but nodded.

"Yes, I…I suppose I have." He said, pulling out another pocky stick and biting off the tip. Rei was quiet, giving him the space to continue or not however he pleased. Aiichirou had never talked to anyone about it, most likely because no one had ever asked. His eyes fell to his toes, his fingers fidgeting with them.

"My parents they-they assumed, you know, that I was their little girl." Aiichirou said. Somewhere in his mind, he knew the rest of the boys heard him and were quieting down to listen. Maybe he was even okay with that. "A-And what a surprise it was for them when I refused to respond to the name they'd given me." He laughed brokenly. "They didn't like it. I don't think they liked  _me_." Aiichirou tensed his muscles to keep from shaking. He lifted his eyes, looked around. Everyone had a different shade of gentleness on their faces. He didn't know if any of them could relate, but they all listened, all hoped that Aiichirou would continue to open up to them.

"I-I would tell you what they did, but I'd probably end up c-crying, sorry." He said, face pinched tightly to fight the urge to let tears spill. He took a deep breath. "None of that really matters, anyway."

Rin scooted over to Aiichirou's side, frowning. "It matters that you were discriminated against." He said. "It matters that we all understand how serious we need to take this." He said. Even Makoto nodded.

"Understanding someone's past makes understanding their present a lot clearer." He said, that calm smile on his face. "We all appreciate you telling us about this." He said. Aiichirou shook his head.

"N-No, I didn't tell you anything." He said, waving his open palms dismissively.

"You told us enough." Haruka said, nodding. And just like that, he stood, gathered the empty plates, and ended the conversation. Aiichirou sniffed, but he wasn't sad. He was happy. So incredibly happy.

Nagisa ended up making them all watch some poorly animated mecha movie for ironic purposes, and god was it the funniest thing Aiichirou had ever seen. By the end of it, he and Nagisa had laughed themselves straight to sleep. The other boys were less enthused, but happy to see Aiichirou enjoying himself.

Haruka threw Rin a blanket which he used to cover the two boys curled up, asleep on the floor. Everyone claimed their spots, pillows, and blankets. The room settled and the lights were turned off.

"Thanks, you guys." Rin said, his smile oddly light. "Ai wouldn't leave the dorm, he hasn't been to classes in days. He needed this."

"A friend of Rin's is a friend of ours." Makoto said, his sentence devolving into a yawn.

Rin had to admit, he truly had the best friends in the world.

* * *

Aiichirou couldn't be sure how long he'd been asleep. He almost didn't let himself wake up, but he'd fallen asleep in his binder and his heart was pounding and his feet were asleep and he need to freaking pee. He pressed a palm to his eyes, trying to wake himself up.

He very quickly became aware of a warm weight pressing down over his stomach, heat radiating on his left side. He held his breath opened his eyes.  _'SENPAI IS HOLDING ME.'_

Aiichirou was able to throw a hand over his mouth to keep in his surprised squeaking, but his bladder was at it's limit and he had to cross his legs and oh god Rin woke up and-

" _FUCK_." Rin screeched, flinging himself off Aiichirou. Aiichirou scrunched up, holy fuck he needed to pee. Everyone was stirring and Aiichirou was not prepared to deal with this. He rolled up onto his feet and made a mad dash, searching desperately for a bathroom.

He opened three different doors before finding the bathroom and nearly cried out of pure joy. He shut himself in and fumbled with his pants and oh he'd never loved a toilet more in his life. He let out a relieved sigh as he finally got himself on the toilet and peed, he wondered if this was what heaven would feel like.

Aiichirou took his time, letting his heart relax and his mind wander.  _Why had Rin been holding him_. He let out a sigh, pulling his binder up over his head and letting it fall to the floor. He adjusted his pajama shirt, scratched at the back of his head. Rin had looked less than pleased when he realized he was holding Aiichirou, so he had no choice but to believe it had been entirely unintentional.

Aiichirou frowned. This was supposed to be a  _fun_  night out, but his heart was twisting up. He didn't even need to think about it to know he wanted Rin to hold him like that, willingly. Aiichirou let his head fall into his hands. He rubbed at his eyes, shook his head, folded his binder over his arm.

He jumped when he opened the door to find Haruka standing just outside. He looked around, shifted nervously. "I-I'm sorry Nanase-kun, did you need to use the bathroom?" He asked, moving aside so Haruka could enter, but the older boy just shook his head. A beat of silence passed.

"How do you feel about Rin?" He asked. Aiichirou flushed, but he couldn't hesitate in front of Haruka.

"…I like him a lot." He said, hands pulling at the hem of his shirt. Haruka nodded.

"You want to be his boyfriend?" He asked. Aiichirou choked.

"Y-Yes." he said, pain in his voice. Haruka sighed, flashed a smile, gestured for Aiichirou to follow him. Aiichirou nervously trailed behind Haruka, peering into the sitting room to see everyone had already gone back to sleep. Haruka picked up some blankets, threw one at Aiichirou, and headed straight out the front door. Aiichirou wrapped his blanket around himself, deposited his binder, and ran to catch up.

Aiichirou sat down next to Haruka. It was freezing, but the sun was just starting to rise on the horizon. It was a truly beautiful sight. Aiichirou and Haruka shared soft smiles, eyes turning to the sky.

"I think you could make Rin very happy." Haruka said.

"O-Oh, I don't know about that." Aiichirou shook his head, smile turning a bit nervous. "I mean, Rin-senpai, he. I'm not sure he'd be happy with…" He bit his lip, tugging his blanket around him a bit tighter. "Someone like me. I'm not sure anyone would be happy with someone like me." He said. Haruka looked  _angry_.

"Because of your gender?" He asked. Aiichirou nodded, eyes wide. "Rin isn't like that. If he didn't want to understand, if it made him uncomfortable, he would have ditched you a long time ago." He said. His choice of words were harsh, but Aiichirou understood what he was saying.

"N-Nanase-san." He whispered. Haruka's glare softened a bit. Aiichirou looked down at his lap, his chest ached, whether from anxiety or having slept in his binder, he didn't know. "Rin-senpai says you made him free." Aiichirou paused, thinking over his words carefully. "I want to be free too. But I. I Feel so trapped in this body…" He said, a small tremor running through him. Haruka's face softened.

"Being free is something that only happens inside yourself. If you're truly free, nothing and no one can take it away." He said. "I can't make anyone free." He looked sad as he said this. "But a good friend can help you find the freedom inside yourself." He turned his head, meeting Aiichirou's eyes.

The sun had turned the sky pink then, birds began calling. Haruka yawned and got back on his feet, going inside. Aiichirou was stunned, but found his bearings and sprang up.

"Th-Thank you Nanase-san!" He said, gripping his blanket and hunching his shoulders. Haruka stopped with his hand on the door. He glanced back at Aiichirou, nodded, went back inside.

For one night, five incredible men had allowed Aiichirou the space to be, and he knew each of them were leading him a step closer to freedom. Aiichirou could not be more thankful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy chapter yes. This was actually a present to myself because I too have never had a 'sleep over' with other guys, and for my recent birthday party none of the boys I invited showed up. So I'm giving Aiichirou something that hasn't happened to me yet. Feels good haha. I honestly felt like this chapter could have at least another 2000 words, but I spared you. Maybe those scenes can play out later in the fic. I also wanted to mention, this fic has been pretty heavy on the internal processing of dysphoria and trans related depression. My hope is that it both helps other trans people with their own thoughts, but also gives cis people an idea of what and just how much goes through a trans person's head on a day to day basis (which is a lot, at least for me, can't speak for EVERY trans person). Until next update my lovely readers, let me know what you thought!
> 
> -FoxyGrampaGlasses


	4. East Side Bricks and Brawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin's confused, except he knows he's not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please observe the new tag 'sexual harassment' as fair warning for this chapter!

Monday morning arrived right on time for Rin. Somewhere far off, outside his sleeping mind, his room was stirring. He grumbled and forced himself awake. Rin propped himself up on his elbow, ran a hand through his hair. His eyes flew open when he realized the noise had been coming from his roommate  _getting ready for class_. Aiichirou jumped when he saw Rin was awake. He shut the bathroom door behind him and bowed his head.

"Good morning, Rin-senpai." He said softly. "I-I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you."

"You're going to classes today?" Rin asked, swinging his legs over the side of his bed. Aiichirou wouldn't look at him, but he nodded all the same. Rin's lips tugged into a triumphant smile. The sleep over had  _actually worked_.

And yet. Something about Aiichirou was still horribly off this morning. It bothered Rin as he showered and dressed for the day. He tried to brush the thoughts aside. Aiichirou was always so loud and couldn't keep anything to himself. If something was wrong, he'd say so. Rin trusted that, and he wasn't about to push Aiichirou's boundaries when he was so obviously in a fragile state of mind. So Rin let him be, but his worry wouldn't quit.

It sunk into his mind relentlessly until all he could think about was Aiichirou's bubbly giggles and sparkling smiles he'd seen the other night, and oh how Rin wished they would come back. Worry churned around his head, fueling helpless frustration because  _why couldn't he stop worrying._

Rin walked side by side with Aiichirou to the cafeteria for breakfast. If his mind hadn't been so loud with incessant  _worry_  and  _frustration_  and his old enemy  _confusion_ , he might have noticed sooner how quiet Aiichirou was. Silent, in fact. The silence didn't seem to connect with him until it was gone, replaced by the low murmuring of groggy students in the cafeteria trying to wake themselves up and eat a decent breakfast. It was a stark contrast from how they'd been in the hall, and one he was not used to.

Rin glared at Aiichirou. If the boy noticed, he didn't take the bait. They paid for their food and found an empty table, all without a word.

Rin wanted to say something, but somehow he couldn't find the courage. He always said the wrong fucking thing. He couldn't stand to make Aiichirou cry in the god damned cafeteria. He'd rather eat his chopsticks than that.

Thoughts like that, a protective instinct he could only associate with his sister, made him uneasy. It was so obvious that this was different from his sister. Protecting his sister was angry. It was, he knew, overreacting. It was a need to be needed, but this. This was fear, deep and cold and endless. He feared Aiichirou's sadness, only because Aiichirou deserved happiness. Rin realized, with great surprise, these feelings were entirely selfless.

Rin being selfless by itself was not particularly startling, but when applied to Aiichirou, a boy he'd known for less than a year, who annoyed the ever-loving-shit out of him on a daily basis,  _that_  shook Rin's insides.

Rin made sure to say a proper goodbye when he and Aiichirou parted ways for classes, making him promise to meet him at swim practice on time. Aiichirou nodded, his smile off center and dull. It made Rin's heart ache.

In class, his mind was wandering. He rested his head in one hand, pressed the end of his pen to his lips. Maybe he should have been listening to the lecture, but he couldn't seem to find a fuck to give. The sky outside the classroom window was grey. It looked like it might rain.

Rin remembered this burning, twisted up feeling. He'd only felt it once before, just before he left for Australia. He'd looked into Haru's eyes, and he knew he didn't want to leave anymore, but it was too late to change his mind. He had a dream to chase, and it wasn't in Haru's endless blue eyes. Rin didn't belong there, and he knew it from the very beginning. He regretted it, his feelings and his confusion, if only for the pain his idiocy had caused them both.

But Haru was happy now. They were friends. It wasn't the same, could never be the same, but it was enough to heal cracks in him that had been close to splitting him in half. Rin did get to catch up with Haru after the relay. Haru's parents moving away, Nagisa leaving for a different middleschool but ending up in their highschool. And then he was quiet, his lips parted and his ocean deep eyes looked so full Rin thought the sea would pour straight out and drown them both.

Haru was in love with Makoto.

Rin had felt that hot confusion crushing him, but it was fleeting. After everything they'd been through, it took Haru admitting his love for another for Rin to realize love was the exact thing that had been ripping him apart from the beginning. He couldn't be sure what exactly had given his heart peace that day. Perhaps it had been that he trusted Makoto to take care of Haru. Maybe it had been Rei, who already felt like an outcast, but gave Rin his spot on the relay team anyway. Or maybe it was how everyone worked so hard to  _make_  Rin take a second chance. Most likely, it was all those things combined.

Rin was wanted, even if it wasn't what his young heart had been yearning for. He was older, filled with too many regrets for a highschooler, so he could live with this. He had believed and completely accepted that twisted up confusion, the hot grip around his heart he now knew was love, would never return. He wouldn't love again, he couldn't. Haru had been the one.

And here he was, his last class of the day nearly over, his pen cap destroyed from pointy teeth chewing on it nervously the entire day. He was feeling it again, white hot confusion,  _for Aiichirou_. He'd noticed it so long ago, but refused to acknowledge it, anything to keep it a thought and away from reality. He'd nearly ruined his entire life over his first love, and he'd convinced himself he'd never have to face such dangerous emotions ever again. He wasn't ready. He was confused. He was  _scared_.

His day felt like an absolute blur. He was only half aware that he was even presently living as he walked to the pool after class. He'd almost forgotten to even go to swim practice. His head felt like it was physically buzzing with all the thoughts rushing around him. He dragged a hand down his face, letting out a frustrated sigh. He was probably late, and he'd made Aiichirou promise to be there on time. He pushed the doors open roughly.

The empty pool told him he was in fact early, but he could still hear something coming from the locker room. Rin's mind went silent as he opened the locker room door, and it took less than a moment for his fists to take up action.

Behind those doors, shoved up against a row of lockers, a third year had Aiichirou pinned, fingers struggling with his pants.

Rin thought he might have heard the boy yell a flustered  _'fuck'_  before his fist cracked against his skull. The boy fell awkwardly on the bench in front of the lockers, tumbled to the floor. Rin shook out his hand. He'd hit him faster than intended and, despite all his anger issues, he'd never actually hit anyone before. The boy rubbed at his face looking up at Rin with murder in his eyes.

"Fuck you Matsuoka, like you're not curious what  _she's_  packing!" he yelled. Rin began to think he might need to work on his self-control when, in one fluid movement, he'd picked the boy up by his shirt and dug a punch into his stomach. The boy coughed, staggered backwards.

"I swear to god if you don't get you and your  _shit stained hands_  out of here, you won't have hands to speak of."Rin's eyes were as dark as a storm raging at sea, his fists were ready to do whatever it took to ensure Aiichirou's safety. He was done with the world beating down on his loved ones. The boy seemed to have ego hurt, though, and swung at Rin.

Rin caught the punch in his hand, this guy was a real punk.

This seemed to be enough to instill true fear in him, he started to pull away and Rin, with mighty hesitation, let him go only after hearing Aiichirou's muffled whimpering. He took a few cautious steps backwards and pushed himself into a full sprint. Rin felt like he'd done a disservice by letting that creep go, but he'd be back and Mikoshiba's wrath was much worse and life lasting than anything Rin could do to him (aside from  _kill_ him, of course).

Rin turned to Aiichirou, who had slid down to the floor in a crumpled heap. His eyes were wide and dry. He looked like a statue. Rin knelt in front of him, hands hovering but too afraid to touch.

"Ai,  _Aiichirou_ , come on  _talk to me_. Did he hurt you? Did he do  _anything_  to you?" Rin asked, trying to keep himself calm despite the very real panic going on inside him. Aiichirou slowly met Rin's gaze, shook his head. His lips quivered for a moment before he found his voice.

"No. No he didn't hurt me. He only got a hand on my pants." He said, his eyes relaxing, but it was obvious he was still removed from the situation. Rin, despite the war waging against himself, carefully brushed a hand through Aiichirou's hair. He'd rather see the boy flinch away than sitting here so still, as if nothing had happened. And it worked, the damn broke. Aiichirou's eyes filled with tears that fell gracefully down his cheeks, but he didn't flinch away. He pressed himself into Rin's hand.

"N-No he didn't hurt me. But I-" He said, sniffed, his lips hanging open with words refusing to come out. "I would have  _let him_. I-I didn't even think about trying to stop him." He said, shaking so badly Rin almost didn't understand him. In that moment, Aiichirou's panic was Rin's panic.

Rin brought his knees up as Aiichirou fell into his chest, Rin pressing big hands to his back as he let Aiichirou sob and shake. It terrified him. He tried to remember his childhood, how Gou would come to her big brother for comfort. He rubbed his hand slowly up and down Aiichirou's back. He kept whispering ' _it's okay, it's okay, it's gonna be okay_ ' not because it was, but because Aiichirou needed to know Rin would make it okay, whatever it took.

Mikoshiba was, thankfully, the first person to enter the locker room and barred the rest of the team entrance until Aiichirou could breathe evenly and stand on his own feet. Rin gave the name of the boy who had harassed Aiichirou, trusting Mikoshiba to make his life a living hell. Aiichirou was like family to Mikoshiba, and like hell he'd let anyone mess with his family.

Rin walked Aiichirou back to their room. He couldn't remember who started it initially, but their hands were clasped together the whole way nonetheless. Rin didn't ever want to let go.

He felt  _guilty_. Once again he'd gotten wrapped up in himself, and once again his friend had paid the price. But he was screaming in his mind ' _You shut the fuck up Rin, don't you dare make this about you! Aiichirou fucking needs you to get this right, just this once._ '

Rin let Aiichirou sit on his bunk, wrapping a blanket around him. Rin sat on the floor in front of his feet. He didn't want Aiichirou to have to look up at him, not after nearly being sexually assaulted. Aiichirou had mentioned once how it felt to have to crane his neck to look at all the boys on their swim team, how he felt like a child among men. Maybe this way, Rin could be the child and Aiichirou wouldn't fear him.

Aiichirou's toes played with Rin's in silence. Rin smiled softly, though Aiichirou didn't see it, his eyes stuck on their toes.

"I don't want to talk about it." Aiichirou said, hands tugging at the blanket around him. Rin sighed.

"We have to. Eventually." he said, leaning against his bent legs and pressing his hands flat against the sides of Aiichirou's feet. He flinched, but met Rin's eyes for the first time since the locker room. Rin hesitated, his hands twitching away from Aiichirou.

"Please don't-" the words rushed out of Aiichirou's mouth, his hands grabbing Rin's. He gulped, took a deep breath. "Please don't let go… _Rin_."

Rin was frozen. He didn't think Aiichirou realized how much he, too, had been yearning to hear his first name without an honorific. He let go of Aiichirou's hands only so he could turn his palms and hold them properly. He squeezed them lightly.

"It's not that I…hate myself." Aiichirou said. "I-I'm not perfect, but neither is anyone else. We all have our faults. That's not why I-" he took a sharp breath. "All I've ever known is how out casted trans people are. The movies, the documentaries, the news stories. Do you know the statistics?" his voice quivered. "They're morbid, to say the least. Transgender people are… _killed_. All the time. And their cases go unprosecuted, evidence mishandled." He pressed his lips together for a moment, Rin rubbed his thumbs in circles over Aiichirou's hands. This was good. He was babbling, and about something so painful for him, but it was a good sign that he was speaking. Rin was so proud of Aiichirou.

"It's dangerous for me. My parents were…they ruined things in me. For years I was convinced I was a monster. But I feel  _lucky_  to have had them as my parents, regardless of the damage." He said.

"Aiichirou…" Rin whispered, shaking his head. How could he feel lucky when his parents were so obviously abusive?

"You don't understand. The possibilities are… _terrifying_." His voice was so shaken, tears welling. "And that's why. I felt…I  _feel_  like I've had it too easy." He gasped. "I would have let anyone do anything they wanted to me, because I deserve to hurt just as much as any other trans person." He might have had more to say, but his throat was sore and all that came out were strangled gasps as tears rolled down his cheeks.

Aiichirou tried to pull his hand away, wanting to hide his ugly face and tears and snot, but Rin wouldn't let go. He brought both his and Aiichirou's hands to the boys' face. They both rubbed at his eyes. Rin shifted so he was on his knees, let go of Aiichirou's hands and pulled him into a tight hug.

"Those statistics don't apply to you." He spoke carefully. And fuck if he didn't notice his own voice was shaking too. "Do you know why?" he asked. Aiichirou had his head buried in Rin's chest, fist fulls of Rin's shirt in his hands. He shook his head against Rin. "Because I'm here for you. Mikoshiba is here for you." He said. "You may be trans, but you're more than that. You're  _human_. And I am going to make  _damn_  sure you get to live like every human deserves to." He said, fighting the urge to growl.

Rin was, firstly and most importantly, worried about Aiichirou, but deep in his soul, he was pissed as fuck. How  _dare_  anyone make Aiichirou, sweet, annoying, lovely Aiichirou feel like he  _deserved_  discrimination. He couldn't stand how angry it made him, but Aiichirou was his main concern. So he managed to exercise what little self-control he had, and kept rubbing Aiichirou's back until he calmed down.

As Aiichirou's sobs faded into periodic hiccups, Rin glanced at their window. It was late, or at least the sun had set and the stars were shining. He sighed, stuck a hand in Aiichirou's hair and dragged blunt nails gently over his scalp. Aiichirou sniffed, sighed softly. He stirred in Rin's arms, pushing himself away and meeting his eyes. Rin smiled, laughed.

"You should sleep, you look  _awful_." He said. Aiichirou giggled back, pressing a hand over his mouth.

"Gee, I wonder why." He said, voice hoarse from crying. Rin ruffled Aiichirou's hair before letting go and getting on his feet. Staring into Aiichirou's eyes was twisting him up so tight he was starting to worry he might snap in half.

"You want a snack?" he asked, grabbing his room key and a jacket. Aiichirou sniffed, fingers pressing under his eyes. "I'm gonna make a run to the store."

"Something…chocolate." Aiichirou laughed. Rin nodded, flashed him a smile and left with a quick goodbye, promising to be back soon. He double checked that the room was locked, then stuffed his key in his jacket pocket.

He walked out of the dorm and into the night air. The cold was like a slap in the face, it bit hard and all the tension he'd been holding released. His shoulders dropped, his stomach relaxed, his fingers uncurled. He got in one good breath before it all came flooding back, all twisted up with his god damned  _feelings_.

Rin rubbed the bridge of his nose. Aiichirou was strong, but Rin didn't want to assume he could put up with Rin's emotional stupidity forever. Aiichirou deserved so much better than that. Perhaps the scariest thing was, he didn't want to mess this up.

Rin muttered a few curses before he dug his phone out of his pants pocket. He'd told Aiichirou he was getting snacks, but that hadn't quite been his ultimate objective. He tapped a number out on his phone and pressed it to his ear. One ring. Two rings. Three rings-

"Hello?" Makoto answered the phone. Rin breathed out his nose.

"Hey Makoto, can I talk to Haru…?" he asked, trying and failing not to sound nervous. Makoto was silent for a beat.

"Oh, sure" he said, his answered followed by the crackling noise of him passing the phone.

"Yes?" Haru answered.

"I…hate to ask, but I could really use some help." Rin said, stopping just outside the convenience store, his free hand stuffed in his jacket pocket. Haru took a long breath, considering.

"What kind of help?" he asked. Rin shifted nervously, a grumble of ' _fucking hell_ ' leaving his lips.

"I mean…you and Makoto. You know. You guys are-" he struggled to find the right words.

"Together. Romantically. So?" Haru filled them in for him.

"I just. When did you know? That you were…like that?" Rin said, but back tracked. "I don't mean  _gay_. I mean. Like. In love. In general. How'd you know for sure." He asked, his heart pounding against his chest. Haru took his sweet time, thinking carefully about his answer.

"This wouldn't have anything to do with Aiichirou-kun would it?" he asked, the barest hint of amusement in his voice. Rin flushed.

"Y-Yeah it fucking would, god dammit Haru." He said, doing his best not to yell. Haru laughed gently.

"So do you like him?" he asked.

"I don't fucking know! That's what I was asking you!" now he yelled, scaring a couple walking passed him. He took a deep breath and whispered an apology.

"That's stupid, how should I know what you're feeling." Haru said.

"Haru! He's just confused. You were pretty confused too." Makoto's muffled voice came through. Haru tsked, though Rin could guess a decently dark blush was spreading over his friend's face.

"That's it give the phone to Makoto." Rin said. More crackling as the phone was passed yet again.

"I can't tell you how you're feeling either, Rin." Makoto said, also sounding quite amused. Rin groaned dramatically. "Sorry Rin, you have to figure it out on your own. But Haru and I are willing to listen and help anyway we can. Do you need to talk about it?" he asked. Bless Makoto, what a saint. Rin shook his head though, sighing.

"Thanks, but I think I'll be alright." He said, a dejected frown on his face. Makoto hummed.

"Well, let us know if you need anything?" he said.

"Yeah. Thanks, Mako. I really appreciate it." Rin said.

He hung up with Makoto and made quick work of buying some fancy looking chocolate. On his way back, he began regretting not taking Makoto's offer to talk, but deep down he knew he didn't need it. Here, in the cold air with the stars hanging above him and everything smelling of the changing seasons, he knew how he felt. The question had become, was he ready to admit it? Not only to himself, but Aiichirou as well? No, he really wasn't fucking ready.

Rin shuffled up the dormitory stairs, found his room door and went inside.

Aiichirou was curled up on his bed, book in hand, rolled up in a blanket and tissues scattered around his bed. His eyes shot up from his book, a smile lighting up his face.

"Welcome back, Rin." He said. Rin's heart fucking  _melted_. He hid it well, though, throwing the bag of chocolate he'd bought Aiichirou up on his bed. "Oh, th-thank you." He said. Rin shrugged.

"I hope it's good, all chocolate looks the same to me." He said, shrugging out of his jacket. Aiichirou unwrapped a chocolate and bit down on it, his smile small and precious.

"I really needed this." He laughed. Rin couldn't help laughing along with him. Aiichirou's smile didn't last, though. He swallowed his chocolate, placed his book face down on his bed. "I'm sorry for crying so much." He said. Rin leaned against the wall opposite Aiichirou, crossed his arms.

"Hah, what?" he asked, quite honestly baffled. "That's not something to apologize for." He said. Aiichirou looked down at him.

"B-But it's not-I mean. Boys are…" he struggled with his words, but Rin got the picture. Boys are strong. Boys are tough.  _Boys don't cry_. Rin shook his head.

"No,  _fuck_  that. Aiichirou, you cry as much you need and don't you let anyone tell you that you can't." he said, voice hard and very serious. Rin hated how surprised Aiichirou looked. Had no one told him that men and women were  _human beings_? That, believe it or not, men needed to cry just as much as any woman, and vise motherfucking versa. Rin huffed.

"You weren't there, so you didn't see," Rin said, making sure to keep eye contact with Aiichirou. "but I sobbed like a baby before and after the last relay." He said. Aiichirou looked around nervously, as if he'd just been told some horrendous secret. "Crying isn't weak okay. Get that out of your head. A man who can openly cry is a  _strong_  man." Rin smiled gently. It was something his father had taught him, something he kept very close to his heart. He hoped he could teach Aiichirou this now, too.

Aiichirou looked a bit lost in thought. He took another chocolate, smiled as his ate it. He nodded.

Rin's heart was hot that night, but it wasn't twisted, wasn't aching. He wasn't confused. He knew exactly where the warmth came from.

He loved Aiichirou. He loved how the boy calmed him down (usually). He loved how he looked up to him. He loved that Aiichirou called him on his shit. He loved how despite life taking the biggest shit on him, he was still fighting to be his truest self. He loved Aiichirou.

All that was left was to figure out how in the  _fresh fuck_  to tell him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was actually a really emotional chapter for me to write. I empathize with so much of what's going on. Please remember, no one deserves harassment or abuse of any kind. I don't know if anyone else struggles with this mindset, but I certainly did (do). I beg you, be aware of these thoughts they can truly sneak up on a person.
> 
> I've done several research projects on transgender stats, which are actually quite horrifying. A lot of my information about other trans people's experiences when I was first transitioning came from poorly filmed documentaries that made people look more like side show freaks than people and of course Boys Don't Cry (I knew it was hard to watch, but I was truly unprepared to watch it. In fact I couldn't finish it and had to come back to it a couple days later). I wanted to put actual solid stats in Aiichirou's dialogue, but I'm really only familiar with American statistics. It could be that no studies have been done in Japan, or at the very least haven't been translated. I couldn't tell you. I could tell you, however, that there are an estimated 700,000 transgender people in America as of 2013. That is 700,000 people being denied insurance for basic transgender care such as hormones. 700,000 people wondering why they're the only one who can't be normal. 700,000 trans people, and still most of main stream society doesn't even know what the word transgender means, much less how to treat them decently.
> 
> Lastly, for transmen (and transwomen) crying is no weakness. When I first started transitioning oh god was it a wreck. I had this idea in my mind planted by all the dumb boys I knew, and girls, who went on about 'the guy code' and the 'unwritten rules' which are bullshit. I wasn't sure how else to define my gender if not by the stereotypes, but I promise you following this 'guy code' won't get you anywhere. I realized I had to come up with my own definition of what makes a man, and follow that. Don't get swept up in the stereotype. Men cry. Men feel things. Men hug and breath and their hearts beat.
> 
> Sorry for the long note!! I hope you all enjoyed. Let me know what you thought and see you next chapter!
> 
> -FoxyGrampaGlasses


	5. Back to the Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aiichirou isn't sure of what he wants.

_November 9th, 2013_

_11:03pm_

I mentioned yesterday that one of the boys was harassing me. Well, not in those words. I think I said 'he kept asking me questions I really didn't want to answer.' And maybe I didn't know then, but I know now, I was being harassed. Rin showed me that.

He just wouldn't stop. Even his friends were trying to get him to leave me alone. And I wanted to tell Rin so badly, really. But I just couldn't. He'd seen me cry so much already, I couldn't. I didn't want Rin to think I was weak…

And somewhere along the line, I realized, I had a real problem. I really needed to tell someone. This boy was…not backing down. He started to get persistent about what I was 'hiding'. I dodged him as much as I could during the day, but he must have seen me leaving class early. He followed me into the locker room…

I was scared at first. He kept saying the same things over and over again like…'just let me see' and 'I'm so curious' and then patronizing me with 'but we're both men!'. So when he pushed me up against the lockers. I knew I had two choices. I could try to fight, probably be overpowered, or I could admit that this wasn't the worst thing that could happen to me, and just let him do whatever he wanted. A man forcing himself on me, if I just went along with it, wouldn't that be easiest? Even being…violated like that, I thought how lucky I was.

But Rin walked in and stopped him. I'm so happy Rin stopped him. Because I wasn't going to even try.

I told Rin, 'I felt like I deserved it.' And I did.

But Rin made me realize. He told me…I'm a human being. Who deserves nothing less than any other human being. And when I think about it that way…there are so many things I've kept myself from because I felt like I didn't deserve them. It's hard to put into words. I think I stopped thinking of myself as a real person. I think all I saw in myself were the rules I had to follow to be manly enough, and disregarded what I wanted or felt.

I've cried so much. But Rin told me 'A man who can openly cry is a strong man'. Rin is everything I see a man being. And if he can cry openly, then obviously crying is no weakness. Because Rin is not weak.

I think I need to reconsider what my definition of a man is. I'm still so confused but, Rin reminded me.

I feel like I was dead, and I just came back to life. All the ugly crying I've been doing lately was the pain of me waking up. And I don't mind it so much, now that I can feel some true peace. I'm not sure what comes next, exactly. But I feel good about it.

* * *

Aiichirou slowly drew a period at the end of his journal entry. He felt like he could write forever, but he knew he could never get all of the words on the page. He didn't think most of what he was feeling could even be put into words in the first place. So he stopped there, closed his journal, pressed a hand over his mouth as he yawned.

"Hey, Ai." Rin's voice could be heard from under Aiichirou's bunk. He blinked, quickly shutting off his book light.

"S-Sorry, senpai, is my light bothering you? I'm done now." He said. His legs were tucked under warm blankets, and he could feel his back expanding against the cool wall behind him. It felt nice. Just to breath, to listen, to feel his breath.

"What? No your light's fine." Rin grumbled. Aiichirou could hear him shifting under his sheets and suddenly the top of his head popped up over the railing. "Can I?" he asked, nodding his head toward the open space next to Aiichirou. Aiichirou looked around. It was dark, but the sky outside seemed light.

"Sure." He said, pulling his blankets to flatten them. Rin, however, just dug down under them, sitting beside Aiichirou. He tried not to think about Rin's hand being so close and open, how he'd held that hand once before. If he thought about it enough, just like his babbling, he'd end up actually acting on his thoughts. "Is something wrong-" Aiichirou hesitated, stuttering a bit. Rin had called him Ai, perhaps he should return the favor. "R-Rin?" he bit down on his lip to keep from tacking 'senpai' on the end. Even in the dark, Aiichirou could see the shadows on Rin's face outlined a smile.

"So…" Rin said, his smile fading away. "After what happened, I really don't want to cross any boundaries." He turned his head towards Aiichirou. "Promise you'll tell me. If I ever cross a boundary. If I make you the slightest bit uncomfortable." He said, and he could see the denial on Aiichirou's face. " _Promise me_."

Aiichirou made a strangled sound in his throat, forced himself to take a breath. "I promise." He said. Rin sighed, relaxing.

"I'm trusting you, kay?" he said, his hands disappearing under the sheets. Aiichirou tried not to feel disappointed. He smiled, nodded.

"It's hard to say something if I feel uncomfortable…" he said, pulling his knees up to his chest. "But I'll try harder. Because I just promised I would." He laughed lightly into his knees.

Rin fidgeted with the sheets under his fingers for nearly five minutes, Aiichirou watching patiently. He got the feeling Rin had something important to say, but he couldn't be sure. In the end, Rin went back to his bunk, bidding Aiichirou a soft, slightly sour, goodnight.

Aiichirou fell onto his pillow, curling up on himself. He wondered what was on Rin's mind. He wondered if…it had anything to do with how they'd held hands. Had Rin even noticed? Or was this another thing Aiichirou was blowing out of proportion? It seemed as though his male friends gave each other more physical contact than he had previously thought acceptable, but  _holding hands_?

Aiichirou angled himself so he could see the sky, a tiny sliver between the curtains. It was a lovely dark purple sprinkled with stars.

He wanted to hold Rin's had, but what if he did? What if by some miracle Rin  _actually_  wanted to hold hands with him? All thoughts of forever ruining their friendship aside, Aiichirou realized, he'd never thought past that. Would he want to kiss Rin? He wondered what Rin's teeth felt like, if they were actually as sharp as they looked.

Would he…want to  _touch_  Rin? Would he want Rin to touch  _him_? Aiichirou felt a bit nauseous thinking about it. Kissing and hand holding were one thing, but  _sex_? Aiichirou pressed his knees together.

 _He'd been too scared to ever touch himself_.

Aiichirou clutched his pillow closer to himself. He wanted to know what it felt like, but it  _scared_ him. His body had never felt right. It sounded silly, but he was afraid of what it might do to him. He was afraid it would hurt him. Not physically, but mentally. How could he touch himself, know every feminine curve between his legs, and still call himself a man? Would he somehow feel like less of a man afterwards? Would everyone be able to tell, and would it put him one step back from passing?

Aiichirou buried his head in his pillow. He felt like he was going to scream and suffocate all at the same time.

He just wanted Rin to love him the way he loved Rin. Sex was…important, he knew that, but it wasn't top priority, and it wasn't worth worrying about if he wasn't even sure it would ever be an issue…right?

As he pulled the pillow away and breathed deep, he reminded himself, it didn't matter. He wasn't ready to risk his friendship with Rin like that yet.

* * *

Aiichirou woke up late the next morning. It was Sunday and the sky was oddly bright considering the time of year. He stumbled down the bunk ladder and swayed on his feet, rubbing his eyes. He slowly became aware of an obnoxious blinking light coming from his phone. He walked over to his desk and flipped the phone open.

_**Rin-senpai:** _

_10:42 AM_

_I forgot to tell you I'm out with Gou today. Stay safe._

Aiichirou yawned and typed out a quick reply. On any other day, he would probably be sad that Rin left without him, but the thoughts he went to bed with were still scratching away at his mind and he just didn't know if he could handle being around Rin. He jumped a little when his phone buzzed again.

_**?** _

_11:12_

_Come outside Ai-chan, we're going shopping!_

Aiichirou furrowed his brow, staring at the number. Going by the syntax, this message could only have come from one person.

_**You** _

_11:13_

_Shopping…?_

_**?** _

_11:15_

_Yeah! I'm bringing Rei-chan too. Be ready in 5? We're almost to Samezuka!_

_**You** _

_11:15_

_W-Wha- Nagisa-kun! Shouldn't you give me a little more warning…?_

_**?** _

_11:15_

_Less texting more getting ready!_

Aiichirou groaned, once again forced into a speed match with his binder. He buttoned his pants just as his phone buzzed again with a message from Nagisa telling him to get outside. He pulled on a coat and stuffed his feet into his shoes, running down the stairs and bursting out into the cold air.

Sure enough, Nagisa was waving from a few yards away, Rei just behind him. They both smiled.

"Hey, Ai-chan!" Nagisa said. Rei pursed his lips and slapped Nagisa over the head.

" _Nagisa_." He said strictly. Nagisa rubbed at his head, smiling apologetically.

"Ahh, I mean, Ai- _kun_." He said. Aiichirou glanced between Rei and Nagisa, then sputtered into a giggle fit.

"I-It's fine, you can call me –chan." He said, pressing a hand over his mouth. Rei adjusted his glasses.

"Are you sure?" he asked, seeming more surprised than was necessary. Aiichirou nodded.

"I don't mind when you guys say it. I know you don't say it to make fun of me, so I don't mind." He said, grinding his heel nervously over the gravel. "But thank you for being so considerate."

Aiichirou clasped his hands behind his back. He wasn't used to people going out of their way to be so respectful. But they were friends, they'd said so. And none of the other boys minded Nagisa's nicknames, not really. So it didn't bother Aiichirou either.

Rei and Nagisa smiled at each other and nodded.

They ended up at the mall and, just as Nagisa had said in his first text, shopped around. Aiichirou really loved being around both Rei and Nagisa, but Nagisa in particular carried a very comfortable space around him. He was shorter than Aiichirou, and simply put, girlier. He liked trying on clothes. He liked screeching over anime. He  _loved_ cute things. Of all his friends, Nagisa was the most feminine by far.

That didn't stop Nagisa from being undeniably male. If Aiichirou had to guess, it was Nagisa's confidence in himself that proved his male presence despite indulging in stereotypically feminine behavior. Rei had more of a problem with Nagisa's habit of staying close to the edge of common decency than anything to do with his gender role.

Nagisa's hands were filled with clothing he'd picked up from around the store when he dashed into the dressing room, leaving Aiichirou and Rei to themselves.

Aiichirou shuffled his feet nervously. Not that Rei made him uncomfortable, but he wasn't like Nagisa. For one thing, Rei was a lot taller.

"Aiichirou-kun." Rei said, side glancing down at his friend from under the rim of his glasses. Aiichirou hesitantly stared back. Rei looked back towards the dressing room, crossing his arms. He smiled. "I've been thinking about your situation a lot lately." He began. Aiichirou almost couldn't handle how sad he looked. "I thought, it's just not fair. I can't imagine what it feels like. I want to help."

"R-Rei-kun you don't need to…" Aiichirou waved his hands dismissively. Anything to get that sad look off Rei's face. Rei shook his head.

"The butterfly is all I can swim right now, so the butterfly has become something of a symbol to me." He said. He looked less sad now, thank goodness, side glanced at Aiichirou again, then turned his head to look at him properly. "Butterflies start off as rather unbecoming caterpillars, they have to go through hardships that no one can see and will never understand. But they come out more beautiful than ever."

"Rei-kun…" Aiichirou whispered, looking up at the boy. Rei's smile had to be the most beautiful thing Aiichirou had ever seen.

"Perhaps the butterfly's story is a good one to remember when you're in a bad place." He said. Aiichirou was quiet for a few moments, eyes wide and lips parted as if he had things to say, but for once said nothing. He relaxed into a smile, looked at his feet.

"Thank you, I will." He said. He didn't think his smile could ever be a lovely as Rei's, but he tried and it was worth it to see Rei light up.

"Anything I can do to help." He said with a small nod of his head.

Nagisa burst out of the dressing room shouting for his friends and the moment was over, but a piece of it stayed with Aiichirou. He was almost afraid to admit, but he was actually feeling  _normal_.

* * *

It was starting to get late. They'd eaten lunch, played in the arcade a bit, but somehow Nagisa had managed to drag them back into another clothing store. Aiichirou had (mistakenly) mentioned not having any properly fitting clothes. He'd always been too uncomfortable with himself to wear anything that wasn't at least several sizes too large for himself. Aiichirou would have sworn there were actual flames in Nagisa's eyes as he grabbed Aiichirou's wrist and tugged him down the mall.

Now Aiichirou was nearly buried under the mountain of clothes Nagisa had thrown at him to try on. Rei kept telling Nagisa to leave Aiichirou alone, but his voice was halfhearted. Aiichirou thought maybe Rei wanted him to get new clothes just as much as Nagisa. His friends were  _spoiling_  him.

Aiichirou hadn't particularly liked anything Nagisa had picked out for him. He tried on vests and suit pants and button up shirts, but none of it felt quite right. Aiichirou pressed his lips together, sighed out his nose as he pulled out yet another shirt. He held it in his hands, feeling a bit discouraged. Someone knocked on his dressing room door.

"Ai-chan?" Nagisa asked. Aiichirou's shoulders slumped.

"I-I'm not sure about this Nagisa-kun…none of this stuff...feels right." He said, dropping the shirt in the pile. Nagisa was quiet for a moment.

"Hold on just a second, okay Ai-chan?" he asked. Aiichirou watched Nagisa's feet from under the dressing room door disappear. He leaned back against the wall, tried not to look in the mirror.

When Nagisa returned, articles of clothing flew over the top of the door, hangers clattering over Aiichirou's head followed by a quick apology. Aiichirou looked at the clothing scattered over the floor.

"You kept trying on all this…really manly stuff. Maybe, you'd be more comfortable in something cute?" Nagisa said. Aiichirou hesitated. Nagisa sounded  _cautious_ , like he might be afraid he was saying the wrong thing. Aiichirou didn't like the idea of dressing 'cute', he didn't want to be cute, but he couldn't say no to Nagisa's earnest efforts.

"I'll try it." He said.

He took a deep breath, looking himself in the mirror. Nagisa had given him a seafoam green v-neck sweater to go with a white button up shirt and tan shorts that felt much shorter than they looked. He took a deep breath, opening the door and walking out to show Nagisa and Rei. They both smiled wide.

"AH!" Nagisa yelled, bouncing over to Aiichirou's side. "How does it feel?" he asked. Aiichirou tugged at the sleeves, he could feel his cheeks burning.

"How does it  _look_?" Aiichirou asked, feeling rather uncomfortable with his friends looking him up and down. He wasn't sure he could say it out loud, but he honestly loved this outfit. Nagisa held a thumbs up, Rei imitated him. "R-Really? You guys can be honest, really." He said. Nagisa shook his head.

"You gotta work with what you're born with, me and you aren't like other men! We have the raging cute!" Nagisa argued, raising his pointer finger high as he spoke. "Our only choice to is to utilize and enhance the cute until no one is a match for us!" he put a hand on Aiichirou's shoulder and squeezed. "Don't listen to the media, the ladies  _love_  cute! They're gonna be all over you!" he said, a toothy grin on his face. Aiichirou sputtered, trying to find the words to respond with.

"W-Well that's um-"

"Or  _gentlemen_." Rei added, adjusting his glasses. Nagisa made a small 'ohhh' sound and nodded his head. Aiichirou took a step back and shook his head, waving his open palms.

"N-No no! I don't want  _anyone_  to think I'm attractive." He yelled, and before he could stop himself he was babbling. "Well I mean, except f-for-" he clamped his mouth shut, but it was too late. Both Rei and Nagisa leaned towards him.

"Except for?" they both questioned. Aiichirou flushed, looking away.

"N-No one!" he yelled, but his smile was bright and tickled his cheeks, he couldn't get rid of it! Nagisa's eyes had a devilish sparkle in them.

"Ai-chan has a crush!"

"I-I do not!"

"You do though! Tell me, please tell me who!" Nagisa tugged on Aiichirou's sleeve. Aiichirou hid his face in his hands. He had expected Rei to scold Nagisa, but he looked just as curious, oh no. Aiichirou slid his hands down his face, covered his lips. He glanced from side to side. Why did he feel so  _giddy?_  He wasn't in middle school anymore, darnit!

"F-Fine." He said from behind his hands. He couldn't keep it in any longer. "Don't tell anyone but-!"  
he took a deep breath, trying to hold back giggles. "I really like Rin-senpai!" he spoke with a firm voice that firmly  _cracked_  at the end, and the giggles kept falling out from behind his hands.

Nagisa all but squeeled, slapping him on the back. Rei's smile was as beautiful as ever. Aiichirou couldn't believe he'd said it.

"Does he know?" Nagisa asked.

"N-No, I could never tell him…" his smile faltered and his giggles died down.

"No nooo! Ai-chan you  _need_  to tell him!" Nagisa yelled, taking Aiichirou by the shoulders and shaking him.

" _Nagisa!_ It's not your place to say." Rei said, pulling Nagisa off Aiichirou.

Aiichirou sighed. After all that, Nagisa bought him the outfit he'd tried on along with some tights and pink shoe laces. Aiichirou had tried desperately to refuse, but Nagisa bought it all regardless and then flashed wet eyes at Aiichirou saying 'what am I supposed to do with all of this stuff? It's way too big for me to wear!'

Aiichirou really couldn't say no, so he accepted. He came home with a whole new outfit (the first to ever be in his size) and a new pack of boxer briefs. He said goodbye to Rei and Nagisa, thanking them for including him. It meant more than they'd ever understand.

When he returned to his dorm, Rin was laying in his bunk reading.

Rin conveniently left out telling Aiichirou about how he'd gone to Makoto's house after visiting with his sister and had poured his heart out about everything he was feeling for Aiichirou. And Aiichirou made sure to steer clear of explaining why exactly Nagisa had insisted on buying him a new outfit, and more importantly the confession he'd made.

Perhaps most amusing of it all was the betting pool Nagisa had started with the rest of the Iwatobi swim team on who would make the first move. It was a tie, with Makoto and Haruka betting on Rin, and Rei and Nagisa betting on Aiichirou. It was kouhai against senpai!

No one could be entirely sure what was going to happen next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, let me say thank you for all the comments! Even if I haven't responded, I've read them and it means a lot to hear from my readers! It feels like we've come so far already, but theres still at LEAST 5 more chapters to go.
> 
> Not much to say about the content of this chapter, other than, ohhh it was sweet huh. Being male doesn't mean you can't be adorable! Use the cute as your weapon. I may or may not have incorporated an old drawing into this chapter woooops check it out yo [http://foxygrampaglasses.tumblr.com/post/62322281769]
> 
> OH and if you haven't, I HIGHLY encourage you to go read the series The Mirror Lied (MTF!Makoto/Haru) [series/55585]. Broke my freakin' heart like DANG. I dunno if I can live up to that. But I'm gonna try!
> 
> Happy late coming out day everyone! I'm FTM and asexual! Be proud of who you are! Gender positivity! Sexual positivity! Fuck yeah!
> 
> Until next time!
> 
> -FoxyGrampaGlasses


	6. Clouds in his Head, Heaven in his Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagisa is worried he's going to lose the bet.

"So I'm pretty sure I love him…and stuff." Rin shrugged from where he sat on the floor, leaning against Makoto's bed. It had been an absolute terror trying to get Ren and Ran out of the room, but by some miracle Makoto had managed with the help of his mother. Haru was on the bed, out of Rin's sight, which was probably for the best. Their history was resolved, but it had happened all the same. Makoto sat next to Rin on the floor, looking deep in thought.

"What now?" Makoto asked, turning his head to look at Rin.

"Ask him out. Get married." Haru said, flipping a page in a magazine he held above his face. Rin bristled, turning, mouth wide open with a remark-

"M-Maybe not, Haru." Makoto said, attempting to diffuse the situation. "Rin, have you actually thought about what you want out of this?" he asked. Rin huffed, falling back down and facing forward. Makoto gave him the quiet space to think, but after a few minutes he started to wonder if Rin had heard him. Then Rin spoke, soft and uncertain.

"He's clingy. He's always nervous. It's hard to touch him, it always feels like I'm  _violating_  him. He doesn't keep his side of the room clean. He's  _annoying_." Rin said, pushing a hand through his hair. "Is it weird that even though he's a lot of things I hate, I still…I want to  _protect_  him? I want to be with him." Rin sighed, tipping his head back to rest on the mattress behind him. Haru let a beat of silence pass before speaking.

"Nitori-kun is trans." Haru said carefully. "That doesn't go away just because you love him." He flipped another page.

"H-Haru that's…" Makoto wanted to reprimand Haru for being so forward, but he couldn't deny it was something Rin needed to think about. Rin's eyes were oddly soft, maybe even a bit watery, as he spoke, hands tucked behind his head.

"I don't understand how anyone can see him as a girl." He frowned, muscles tense. It made him so angry. "I mean, sure his shoulders are kinda round and his hips are a little wide, n-not that I've been looking!" Rin coughed but recovered quickly. "I-I just don't see anything girly about him. I've seen guys handle trauma a lot worse than him, no matter what anyone says he's tough."

"But can you cope with it as well as he does?" Haru said, glancing down at Rin.

"…what?"

"I think Haru means, if you two are in a relationship, you're going to end up worrying about the same things Nitori-kun worries about." Makoto said, his eyes looking off to the side at unseen thoughts still forming. "Things like how people treat him, what people call him, even how he presents himself. That, on top of everything else, will start bothering you too. I've seen you doing it already." He said, a light smirk on his lips. Rin grimaced.

"I mean, yeah, of course that makes sense…" He muttered.

"Can you handle that?" Haru persisted. Rin made a growling sound deep in his throat.

"I don't  _know!_ " He yelled. He drew in a slow breath, then sighed long and hard. Yelling at his friends who were trying to help was counterproductive. "But I…I want to try." He said, rubbing at his eyes. "Nitori isn't. He's not  _weak_ , he just gets so much more shit than everyone else. I want to make living fair for him." He said.

"You're not a selfless person, Rin." Haru said, earning a glare from Rin. "But even if you were, I'd still remind you these things are give and take." He said. Makoto's eyes lit up and he nodded.

"Haru's right. If you want to give Nitori-kun protection, what are you looking for in return?" He asked. Rin's eyebrows pinched together. Rin wasn't really sure. What did he want from Nitori? It couldn't be protection. He didn't really need comfort either.

"I think Rin likes protecting people." Haru said, turning a page.

"What?"

"It's not a good enough reason to stay with a person, but I think you like protecting people." Haru repeated, eyes still stuck in his magazine. Rin looked down at his hands, red hair falling in his eyes.

"Yeah…I guess I do." He admitted. Makoto hummed, eyes towards the ceiling as he thought.

"From what I've seen and what I've heard, Nitori-kun doesn't pander to you much." Makoto said. Rin glared, but Makoto just laughed.

"He doesn't leave me alone when I'm angry. I'm not smart, especially when it comes to… _feelings_." Rin grimaced, shaking his head. "I hate that he won't just leave me alone about stuff, but at the same time, I'd be a lot worse off just letting things fester in my head." He sighed. "So even though I hate it, I really appreciate he does that for me." He said. Makoto looked almost proud as Rin put his deeper thoughts into words, he was really starting to grow up. "I have kinda…parasitic thought processes. I don't really get how, but he's always stopping them no matter how angry I get." He said, his voice trailing into silence.

Rin groaned, pressing his hands to his eyes. "And all I've ever done is yell at him and make him feel like shit." He said, rubbing at his face. He felt exhausted. Makoto shared a quick glance with Haru. It was an undeniable truth that any two people who got close to each other would hurt each other. Makoto and Haru knew from experience, love would never be enough to hold two people together.

"You make Nitori-kun happy, too, Rin." Haru said, breaking eye contact with Makoto. Both Rin and Makoto shot him confused looks.

"How do you know that?" Rin frowned. Haru shrugged, though the motion was obscured by the blankets and pillows under him.

"I just do. I see it." Haru answered, pouting slightly. Rin's frown deepened.

"Like…how?" he asked. He didn't believe it. He couldn't deny Aiichirou had some serious hero worship for his senpai, but, that didn't mean Rin made him  _happy_. Haru was still for a moment, then put his magazine aside and sat up, cross legged. He looked Rin in the eyes.

"You tell me." was all he said, then crawled off the bed and slipped out of the room, quietly telling them he was going to the bathroom. Makoto and Rin just watched him go, baffled. Haru had a tendency to be unnecessarily cryptic, and even after all these years, it still confused the heck out of his friends.

"B-But-!" Rin sputtered, even though Haru had already left. "But I asked you first!" He yelled at the door. Makoto cracked up, shaking his head.

"I guess he wants you to think about it yourself."

Rin slumped, pulling his knees to his chest. "I. Don't.  _Knoooooooow_." He whined, fingers kneading his skull. Makoto stifled his laugher, a sympathetic smile on his face.

"Maybe this is one of those things that you don't need to know, but have to think about." Makoto said. Rin lifted his head to meet Makoto's soft gaze. He felt so damn confused.

"Yeah…" He said, then nodded. "Yeah I'll. I'll think about it." He frowned lightly. Makoto nodded back.

"Give it a couple days."

* * *

Aiichirou stood on his tiptoes, leaning over the sink to get a good look at the purple and red speckled bruise on his forehead, thankfully concealed by his bangs. It had been nearly a week, but it was still a nasty purple color and painfully tender, even his bangs swaying in the wind caused an itchy pain to flair. He sighed, falling back on the balls of his feet, and, even though he knew he'd regret it, looked in the mirror.

His face was so round. His eyes were a beautiful color, but were dulled by the permanent greyish purple bags under his eyes that came from high stress and anxiety on a daily basis. His hair was childish, but it was the only style that felt right. Much longer than this and his face seemed to get rounder, but shorter just looked ridiculous. No, he quite liked this haircut.

He was wearing a baggy T-shirt, something his uncle didn't wear anymore. His feet were tucked into fuzzy socks to defeat the cold bathroom tiles, bare legs with a pair of black boxer briefs around his hips. He didn't bother to wear a binder. Rin was right, he didn't need to hide himself around him.

His lips were so pink, but perfectly chapped. It didn't look like he was growing facial hair anytime soon, and thank goodness for that. Every part of him seemed to be brushed with a soft blush. He hated how cute he looked, as a girl  _or_  a boy. He wanted to be handsome, but Nagisa was right. He was just…too cute.

Aiichirou couldn't help smiling, though, as he picked out all the different threads of color in his eyes. Aqua blue, a ring of yellowish brown, a few freckles of nearly white and black. Maybe he wasn't rugged or terribly handsome, but cute didn't have to be an awful thing either.

Aiichirou jumped when Rin banged on the bathroom door.

"Nitori what are you  _doing_?" Rin asked. Aiichirou grimaced at the needle, barrel, and testosterone still sitting untouched on the counter.

"Umm…" He hesitated, then opened the door, a sheepish frown on his face. "I-It's time for me to do another shot." He said. Rin pressed his lips together, he looked expectant. Aiichirou's eyes darted around, then fell to the floor.  _Oh_. He coughed, hunched his shoulders. "W-Would…would you help me again?" He asked, voice surprisingly steady despite his stutter. Rin's face relaxed into a smile.

"Yeah, sure." He said, pressing the door open and taking a seat on the floor. Aiichirou took a deep breath, stepping around Rin to sit on the toilet.

He felt a bit nervous as he put the needle to the barrel and drew the testosterone. The only other person he'd done this in front of was his uncle. Aiichirou glanced at Rin as he pulled the needle out of the testosterone. Or, it was supposed to be a quick glance, but the smile on Rin's face was captivating and Aiichirou couldn't look away. He flushed, coughed, fumbled with a cotton ball.

He cleaned the skin on his right thigh, a few inches away from where he remembered injecting last. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath. He could hear Rin's clothes rustling.

"I want to do it myself." He said. "But you're still helping me. By being here." He said, pressing his lips together and nodding. Rin leaned back against the wall.

"Okay."

Aiichirou pinched his thigh, needle hovering. "Can you talk to me?" he asked, his small voice sounding loud against the bathroom tiles.

"How are your classes?" Rin asked. Aiichirou had to think about it.

"I'm behind in English…but otherwise I'm doing well."

"No one's giving you trouble?"

"N-No."

"Seriously?"

"Everyone's heard about that boy you beat up. They're too frightened to talk to me much." Aiichirou laughed lightly, taking the light hearted moment to push the needle in.

"Damn straight." Rin laughed. Aiichirou nervously pushed down on the plunger.

"I don't think you should be so proud about hitting someone." Aiichirou sighed, pulling the needle out and discarding it. He smiled big and bright.

"I'm not proud about hitting him…" Rin's voice trailed off. When he didn't speak for a few moments, Aiichirou looked up, but Rin's eyes were on his hands. "I'm proud about  _protecting you_." Rin seemed to struggle to lift his eyes.

They stared at each other for what felt like hours. Rin's eyes were narrow, a mixture of fear and uncertainty. Aiichirou's were blown wide and shining. They both drew breathes at the same time, faltered when they saw the other was about to speak, and fell back into silence.

A shrill musical chime rung through the bathroom, both boys yelling out of pure fright. Aiichirou let out a shaky breath, his hand pressed over his heart. Rin looked murderous.

"S-Sorry, senpai, I have to-" Aiichirou grabbed the phone sitting on counter and awkwardly tugged the butt of his underwear back into place as he left the room. He went over to his desk, flipping the phone open and answering the call. He couldn't even say hell before-

" _Ai-chan, have you told him yet?_ " Nagisa's animated voice filled Aiichirou's head. He sighed.

" _No_ , I haven't, Nagisa-kun." He said, sounding quite sour. "Though if you hadn't called when you did, I  _might_  have." He said. Nagisa whined.

" _I'm so sorry!_ "

"It's okay." Aiichirou sighed, his lips curving into a soft smile. "It wasn't the right time anyway." He said, grabbing his pants off the floor and tugging them on awkwardly with phone held in between his ear and shoulder. It would have been awful if he'd confessed in their bathroom, having just stuck himself with hormones. How unromantic. Nagisa hummed.

" _But you'll do it right? You have to Ai-chan!_ " He said, audibly trying to keep the whine out of his voice. Aiichirou laughed.

"Why are you being so persistent about this?" He asked. There was an awkward pause and Aiichirou wondered if his call had been dropped. "N-Nagisa-kun?"

" _I-It's because love is very important!_ " He yelled. Aiichirou pursed his lips and drew back the curtains to look out the window.

"Hmm, yeah that's definitely why." He shook his head. "Text me, I have to go."

Aiichirou let out a happy sigh, a small giggle, as he closed his phone. He fell back onto his desk chair, staring out the window. He pressed his phone to his lips, he wanted to giggle like a mad man. ' _If you hadn't called when you did, I might have confessed_.'

He swung his feet, eyes watching the swaying trees outside but not really seeing. What would he have said? What would Rin have said?  _I'm proud about protecting you_. Aiichirou could feel his cheeks burning, but he didn't care. No one had ever said anything like that to him. Sure, his uncle loved him and would do anything to help his nephew, but this was so different. This made Aiichirou's stomach flutter and his cheeks burn and his fingers twitch with tiny little sparks of bubbly nervousness.

He'd almost told Rin he loved him.

Aiichirou forced himself to take a slow breath as he heard the bathroom door creak open. In. One, two, three, four. Out. One, two, three, four. He turned his head.

"Rin-senpai-" Aiichirou was cut off by Rin roughly pulling their dorm room door shut as he left the room in a hurry. Aiichirou sat there, mouth open with unsaid words. He drooped, but smiled.

He turned back towards the windows, his toes fidgeting with the fuzzy socks around them. He wanted to go after Rin, but this was one of the few times Aiichirou didn't feel worried about his senpai. He could leave him alone this time.

It was when he'd realized that he left himself open for abuse that his bad habits started becoming more apparent. He'd noticed how he assumed things would never go his way, that he didn't deserve good things. Sometimes the feeling was so strong, he sabotaged himself. Not because he didn't want good things, he just. Couldn't let himself have them.

Aiichirou leaned his shoulder against the back of his chair and just let his mind wander.

It was still a battle for him, but somewhere deep inside, Aiichirou felt as though Rin felt the same way about him. Perhaps Rin saw the confession coming, and perhaps that was why he needed to leave. Aiichirou couldn't be sure, but that was his guess. He looked down at his small, delicate hands.

He wasn't confident. He didn't know if Rin really liked him back, love or anything else regardless, but Rin had said he was proud he'd protected him. He'd looked frightened, like he was telling some deep hidden secret. Aiichirou worried he was reading too deep into things, but, he wanted to believe he was right. He wanted to believe a good thing was happening, and be okay with that.

Aiichirou pulled his feet up onto his seat, pulling his knees in. He felt restless. He wanted to give Rin his space, he  _really_  did, but he also  _really_  wanted to go find him. He pressed his face to his knees and sighed. He couldn't do it.

So he pulled on a coat and shoes and wrapped a scarf around his neck. Worst case scenario, he just goes for a walk to settle himself. No harm done.

He kept his hands in his pockets as he walked outside. The cold was biting, and the wind was light but stinging. The sky was just starting to turn from an icy blue to a soft purple as the sun began to set. Leaves were dancing around the concrete, brushing passed students' feet. Aiichirou felt at peace with this scenery, and the steady beat of his heart.

Little whispers just under the scrape of leaves were finding his ears, though. He refused to make eye contact with any of the other students making their way back to the dorms.

"- _heard he's not actually a boy_."

" _shouldn't be allowed_ -"

" _Who does she think she is_?"

Aiichirou grimaced. This student in particular was talking loud on purpose. He  _wanted_ Aiichirou to hear. But Aiichirou wouldn't take the bait. He kept walking forward, not looking at anyone. He heard more whispering, but refused to recognize the words. Whispers became shouts and suddenly two hands were pushing against his back.

Aiichirou gasped, curling in on himself as he fell, hands pressed to his head.

"- _fragile_."

Aiichirou was disoriented, his hands searching for the ground. Heavy fabric fell over his face as he sat up, a chorus of obnoxious laughter greeting him as he pulled the clothing off him. In his hands was a baby pink seifuku, complete with stiff ribbon tied under the collar. Aiichirou's entire face twisted into an awful glare. His eyes shot up to the boy.

"Sorry about pushing you." He said, voice heavy with sarcasm. "I should know to be more delicate with a lady. You should really go change into the right uniform, wouldn't want people to think you're something you're  _not_."

Aiichirou was impressed with how quickly he was on his feet, staring this boy down. He wanted to hit him. He really wanted to, but Aiichirou could never bring himself to violence. It was never okay to hit someone unless for self defense,  _never_. He pushed the student away and threw the seifuku back in his face.

"As much as I wish boys could wear skirts, the school would have a fit, so I really  _can't_  put that on." Aiichirou said, turning on his heel and walking long strides back towards the dorms. "If you have a problem with that, maybe you ought to protest by wearing it yourself. As for me, I'm perfectly fine with wearing pants.  _Now leave me alone_."

Aiichirou tugged his scarf over his mouth as he walked away. What a  _piece of shit_. The entire courtyard was silent the entire time it took Aiichirou to get back to the dorm entrance and shut the door behind him.

"Ai!"

Aiichirou turned back towards the door to see Rin running towards him. His senpai stepped right up to him and threw his arms around him. Aiichirou gasped, face flushed. Rin pressed his head to Aiichirou's shoulder.

"That was  _awesome_." Rin said. Aiichirou shivered.

"W-What…? You heard that?" He asked. Rin squeezed him tight, then let go. He looked flustered, a frown on his face. He rubbed at the back of his head nervously.

"I wanted to step in but. I didn't want you to think you couldn't take care of yourself. Or something." He shrugged. "Doesn't matter, because  _damn_ , shots  _fired_." Rin's frown morphed into a smile that covered a light laugh. Aiichirou stared, wide eyed with cold bitten cheeks. He laughed nervously, looked at his feet.

"Do you mean that?" he asked, more to himself than Rin.

"Heck yeah I mean it. I'm impressed." Rin's smile widened. Aiichirou glanced around. The lobby was nearly empty of people. He met Rin's eyes.

"You don't think I'm…I mean. I always thought…" Aiichirou shook his head, took a deep breath to gather his thoughts. When he spoke again, his voice was soft and shy. "I always thought…you grew into such a great looking man." He felt his cheeks burn but kept going. "So tall and muscular and what a great jaw line and that cocky confidence, I was  _jealous_." Aiichirou hesitantly brought his eyes back up to Rin. "I wanted…to become a man you'd be proud of." He smiled, small and meek. Rin lifted a single brow, laughing.

"What?" he asked. Aiichirou panicked, his blood running cold. Rin recognized the look on his friend's face and shook his head. "No, no. I mean. It's just funny 'cause, you've always been a man  _everyone_  should be proud of. You're more of a man than me, being able to walk away from something like that."

"Rin-I don't-I mean I-" Aiichirou bit his lip, his lips pressing into his cheeks in a bright smile. He could say so many things. He could deny the praise. He could give Rin a bullet point list of reasons that wasn't true. He could babble on about absolutely nothing and pretend he hadn't heard. He sucked in a breath and "Thank you, Rin." He said, fingers fidgeting with his scarf. Rin's soft smile lasted a few beats before turning dark.

"But I swear next time I'll kill them. All of them." He said, grinding his teeth. Aiichirou pressed a hand to his lips and giggled.

"No you won't." He laughed. They slowly began to make their way up the stairs and back to their dorm.

Their knuckles brushed as they walked, and yet again it was impossible to tell who had started it, but their hands folded around each other's nonetheless. Rin grumbled.

"Okay maybe not kill them. Just a little. Maiming." He said, shrugging his shoulders. Aiichirou pouted.

"Senpai,  _no!_ " He chided. "If you keep getting in fights you'll get kicked off the swim team."

"Can't have that." Rin said, looking at Aiichirou from the corner of his eye. "I mean, what in the world would you do without me at swim practice?" He smiled. Aiichirou glared, flicking him in the shoulder.

If their fingers were laced, and Rin had trouble untangling his hand from Aiichirou's when they got to the dorm, well neither of them said anything about that, so it really didn't happen at all.

Aiichirou texted Nagisa later that night, fighting giggles as he typed.

" _Rin held my hand again tonight._ "

Aiichirou actually had to turn his phone off because Nagisa kept sending text after excited text. As much as he appreciated his friend's support, it was late. He bid Nagisa goodnight and promised to talk to him tomorrow.

It probably would have been good to know that Nagisa was just nervous about losing his bet, but then again Aiichirou really didn't need to know about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooooo finally updating. Just so you all know, it's 3:30 AM. Hella. This chapter was pretty much entirely impromptu, just kinda threw the chapter plans aside, and thank god for that trust me. I hope you all are enjoying it! Your comments and reviews keep me going thank you very kindly.
> 
> I hope you all have a lovely night.
> 
> -FoxyGrampaGlasses


	7. Someone Find This Kid a Map Please

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aiichirou knows where this will go, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Rumors had burst throughout the school like flames fed with oil. Aiichirou tried desperately not to notice, but it was as if the quieter words were spoken, the less he could ignore them. The truth had been so warped it started to sound like poorly written manga.

Stories were being passed around like the news in the local paper. Aiichirou's name could be heard among a heroic tale of a young woman who had snuck into Samezuka, disguised as a male student, in search of her long lost brother. He'd heard a few kids talking about how much of a pervert Aiichirou was for 'sneaking' into an all boys' school, which was ridiculous considering all the yelling his Uncle had done with the school board. There had been no sneaking of any sort.

One boy had even claimed he saw Aiichirou in drag. When asked where he'd seen such a thing, the boy had stammered for nearly a minute before yelling 'the maid café the swim team did for the cultural festival of course!' His friends were quick to remind him that  _all_  of the swim team's underclassmen were in dresses, and the maid café was a long held tradition. Aiichirou didn't even try hiding his laughter as he got up from his desk and walked right out of the classroom. If only all of the rumors could have been so harmless.

Even his teachers were gossiping now, if their shifty gazes and hesitant –kun's meant anything. But that was just Japan. Sure, people talked, but nothing was ever acknowledged. And maybe Aiichirou was being buried under the constant whispers and angry looks and just an atmosphere that seemed to consider him a monster- but no one was going to make him  _leave_. No one was going to stand up and speak their mind. No, that would just be  _impolite_. Instead, they would all conspire under the veil of normalcy, poking and prodding at Aiichirou in any way they could without having to actually acknowledge their prejudice. Maybe they didn't even realize what they were doing.

They didn't want him  _gone_ , they wanted him to  _just please_   _be like everyone else_.

There were some rumors, however, that were working in his favor. Ridiculous stories about a certain shark toothed second year that would chew your arm off if you got too close to his 'girlfriend.' Aiichirou had pressed a flat hand to his mouth and blushed fiercely when he heard that one. He wondered if Rin had heard any of the stories. If he had, Rin was completely unbothered by them, which only made Aiichirou even more flustered.

Any rumors about Rin were undoubtedly spread by Aiichirou's assailant, a third year named Yamada Ken. Mikoshiba had him kicked off the swim team without hesitation or mercy. Aiichirou wasn't necessarily proud of himself for it, but he'd pleaded with Mikoshiba to keep the boy on the team. Both Rin and Mikoshiba had looked at him with the purest rage he'd ever seen, so he shut his mouth and stared at his feet as Mikoshiba went to finalize it with their supervisor.

It wasn't that he had forgiven Yamada, he hadn't. He knew what Yamada had done wasn't something to be forgiven. He  _knew_  that but- He couldn't help it. It made him uncomfortable,  _upset_  even. Admitting Yamada needed to face consequences only seemed to cement the reality that Aiichirou had been wronged. He was a part of the statistic now. And deep down, no matter how much he told himself that he didn't, he still believed he had deserved it, he was to blame.

Rin had glared at him for some time, as if he knew exactly what Aiichirou was thinking. Aiichirou felt oddly unable to speak, words and thoughts piling up until his head was aching, but still he couldn't seem to say any of it.

That night he left swim practice early do he could visit with his uncle. He didn't particularly want to leave Rin's side, and by the looks of it, Rin didn't want him to leave either. But he needed to see his uncle, so he bid the team farewell and trekked to the nearest bus stop. Rin made Aiichirou promise to text him once he met up with his uncle. Before the incident with Yamada, Aiichirou might have thought it sweet or even endearing, but now it was closer to necessity.

So when he got off the bus and spotted his uncle's shiny bald head, he waved him over with one hand and sent Rin a quick text with the other.

"Michio-ojisan!" Aiichirou called, waving and sliding his phone into his pocket. His uncle slipped passed a few other pedestrians to get to Aiichirou and high-fived his nephew's outstretched hand.

"Hey kid, good to see you." He smiled wide. He rubbed at the three hoops pierced through the cartridge of his left ear. "Want something to eat while we talk?" He asked. Aiichirou looked around nervously.

Uncle Nitori Michio, brother to Nitori Aiichirou's father, was quite the character. His hair fell out when he was only 28, but he proudly sported his baldness, sometimes even sprinkling festive glitter over his head. His ears were decorated with nearly a pound of jewelry. His clothes were thrift store bargain bin purchases, his leather boots patched with scraps of clothing too worn to wear. Sometimes, like today, his nails would be painted electric blue to, he would say, spark a smile all day long. Bent metal glasses rested low on his nose. His teeth were a bit crooked. If you asked him about it, he'd tell you about a vicious bar fight that happened the first time he'd ever used a fake ID in highschool. You might say, "but how does that explain your teeth?" He'd laugh, throw his head back and clutch his stomach. "The other guy ripped out my braces", he'd tell you. "I'm still too poor to replace them."

Michio was a very dear person to Aiichirou. He'd even say he owed his uncle his life. This poor, battered man stuck in a punk phase was everything to Aiichirou. Which was why he felt so uncomfortable letting Michio buy him dinner. He shuffled his feet nervously.

"Can you…afford that?" He winced. Michio shrugged.

"Sure I can! Besides, I barely see you now that you're in boarding school." He smiled warm and wide. "So come on, let's get something warm to eat."

Aiichirou followed his uncle into a small McDonalds. They both ordered cheap sandwiches, not mentioning that even this might be too much for Michio to spend on dinner. They found a booth next to the windows and settled down.

"I think you're taller than me now." Michio said, unwrapping his burger with a cheerful smile. Aiichirou let out a breath of laughter as he took his own sandwich. He felt so guilty. The monthly tuition Michio paid for Aiichirou's schooling included meals, so it wasn't like he needed this.

"Maybe a little." He said, fidgeting with the wrapper on his burger, a meek smile on his lips. Michio ate a few careful bites, watching his nephew. He swallowed, put his burger down and gave Aiichirou his full attention.

"How's school?" He asked. Aiichirou almost though it was comical how such a mundane question was now the heaviest one he could think of. He looked down at his hands, lips parted, words stuck. He could feel his head starting to hurt again. Michio sighed. "That bad?" he said. Aiichirou bit his lip.

"My binder ripped while I was swimming." He choked on the words, but pushed them out. Michio's eyes popped, his mouth falling open.

"Aiichirou." He said, face blank, but anger very real in his voice. Aiichirou shook his head.

"N-Nothing happened! I mean, Seijuro-senpai and Rin-senpai took care of me. T-They've been very good to me." He said, small hands curled into tight fists on the table. Michio's eyebrows were ever so slightly pulled downward, a gentle scowl on his face.

"Be honest with me." He said. And that icy concern, the absolute no nonsense tone of his voice, was more than enough. Aiichirou's fists loosened and tightened nervously.

"E-Everyone on the team saw, but Seijuro-senpai lectured them all." He explained. Michio rested his chin on his raised hand as he listened to his nephew. "Everyone in the school knows now." He said. Michio winced, but said nothing. "But I don't think anyone's reported it, I haven't been talked to at the very least." He said, his eyes sliding back down to his hands. Michio sucked a deep breath in through his nose.

"I haven't heard anything from the school either, so that's…" Michio's voice trailed off. He shook his head, looked out the window. "That's not  _good_  exactly, but you're not in trouble." He sighed loudly. "Your principal should be aware of something like this, reported or not. He should be aware and he should  _do something_." He ground his teeth, pressing a hand over his eyes.

"But even if they knew…They wouldn't do anything good for  _me_." Aiichirou said. His shoulders slumped, his chest suddenly feeling heavy. "It's best this way…" He squeezed his eyes shut to avoid the pained look on his uncle's face. Michio rubbed at his head, ate another bite of his burger. Aiichirou opened his eyes slowly.

"I'm talking with your principal." Michio said, shoving the last of his burger in his mouth. Aiichirou's eyes snapped up to his uncle's, his mouth agape and stammering.

"W-Wha- _Ojisan_  you can't-!"

"I actually can, and I will." Michio spoke pointedly, pressing the empty burger wrapper into a tight ball. Aiichirou shook his head.

"No, no no, no you can't! I-If the school actually receives a complaint, I mean, you  _know_  how these things turn out so why would you think that's a good idea!?" Aiichirou sucked in a deep breath, he was  _panicked_.

"You go to a school that not only allows but practically forces boys to dress as  _maids_  and serve the rest of the  _male_  student body." He said, very serious with just the tiniest spark of anger in his eyes. "It may have taken some yelling, but they  _did_  allow you to attend even though you're not their idea of male."

"But if you keep pushing the issue-" Aiichirou shook his head. He wasn't entirely sure what would happen, but there was absolutely no way it could be good. Michio suddenly looked very old, very tired. All the tiny wrinkles around his weathered eyes seemed to deepen. Aiichirou snapped his mouth shut.

"I've done my best to get all of those old ways of thinking your parents taught you out of your head, Aiichirou. But there's some new ways of thinking I'd like to show you, too." He said, leaning forward. "I  _never_ want you to settle. I understand if you don't think you can do that, if you'd rather just keep trying to stay safe. But  _I_  can't settle. And I don't want you to either." Michio held eye contact for a few more beats, then sighed, leaning back on the puffy booth seat. Aiichirou folded his hands over each other, stretching out his fingers. Michio's words stung. They were so painfully true, Aiichirou wasn't sure he wanted to be that confrontational.

Michio let the subject drop, but he'd brought an arsenal of other (equally stressful) topics that needed to be addressed. Michio was still working on getting custody of Aiichirou. Fighting his parents was no small matter, and, for Aiichirou, avoiding them had proven a struggle as well. Aiichirou was so thankful for the dorms, which only students could enter. Michio gave him a poorly drawn calendar with his next doctor's appointments, mentioned that they were going to up his next dose of testosterone, reminded him to change any of the appointments that conflicted with swim practice. They talked about money. Michio was running out of savings, but a donation jar had been set up on the front desk of his work and that was helping. He made it clear that he couldn't afford to buy Aiichirou a new swim binder, they were just too expensive. He also couldn't afford new shoes for his nephew, or clothing that actually fit him. Aiichirou couldn't help smiling fondly. Michio raised an eyebrow, a tentative smile on his lips.

"What's that look for?" He asked, eyes sparkling with amused confusion. "You haven't smiled this entire conversation, but I tell you I can't buy you new clothes and suddenly you're all smiles?" He said. Aiichirou giggled, fidgeting with his jacket sleeves.

"I've…made some new friends." His smile widened. "Nagisa-kun made me go shopping with him. I tried to refuse, but he bought me some new clothes anyway." He explained. Michio looked stunned, a lop-sided smile slowly growing on his face.

" _What_." He said, joyfully surprised. Aiichirou laughed, crossing his arms on the table. He nodded his head.

"Nagisa-kun is an old friend of Rin-senpai's." He said, his smile turning fond. "In fact, all of Rin-senpai's old teammates were in our pool when…when my binder ripped. They saw too, but they've been so kind to me." He said, his cheeks rosy. He still couldn't believe it. These five boys, five men, he could call each and every one of them a friend. A puff of laughter left Michio's lips, he almost sounded hysterical.

"Aiichirou that-that's  _great!_ " He laughed. Aiichirou nodded, nervously combing his bangs with his fingers. His bashfulness faded though, his smile relaxing. He pressed his lips together. Yes he loved his friends, he never expected to ever  _have_  friends, but he couldn't help the way his thoughts turned to Rin. His journal entries weren't enough to keep his secret sated, he could feel it coming.  _Word vomit_.

Michio noticed the pensive look on his nephew's face and calmed himself, waiting patiently for Aiichirou to speak. Aiichirou wasn't sure he wanted to talk about Rin, but as soon as he opened his mouth to take a breath, all of his thoughts were gushing out.

"B-But I think I like Rin-senpai. Like… _like_  like." Aiichirou dropped his head into his hands. Had he really just said that? He was vaguely aware that he was on the verge of hyperventilating, and that Michio was trying to speak to him, but words just kept pouring out. "At first I just liked him because he looked so manly and it was everything I ever wanted for myself and he was so scary and mean at first but I thought if I could just help him maybe- _maybe_ -and it worked! He's so kind. He really sees me as a boy even with my voice and my body and-and-and he's always  _protecting_  me-" Aiichirou gasped, finally out of breath. Small tears were shining in his eyes and his hands were shaking. Michio was still trying to get a word in, but Aiichirou wasn't quite finished. He pulled his hands under the table to hide his nervous shaking. "I don't know what I'd do without him, Ojisan." He sniffed, using his palm to rub at his unshed tears. Michio's eyes softened as a wistful look came over him. He crossed his arms, waiting a moment to make sure Aiichirou had said all he needed. Aiichirou entirely missed the smug expression that passed over Michio's face just before he spoke.

"You know, I've been talking with Seijuro-kun too." He said, meeting Aiichirou's eyes. "He didn't tell me about your binder ripping, but he seemed to think your relationship with Rin was pretty damn important." He said, chuckling warmly. Aiichirou's eyes were blown wide, glancing from side to side nervously.

"W-What did he say?" Aiichirou asked, wincing as he choked on his own spit. Michio pressed his lips together, trying to suppress his laughter, but then all amusement disappeared and he was staring blankly at his nephew.

"Seijuro-kun ships you." He said. Aiichirou sputtered helplessly.

" _Excuse me?_ " He gasped. Michio shrugged.

"Ships you. Like, he supports you guys in a romantic relationship?" He gestured vaguely to nothing, glaring at thoughts only he could hear.

"I  _know_  what shipping is, I'm asking-I mean- _UGHHHH_." Aiichirou groaned and pressed his hands to his eyes. " _Why?_ " He asked. Michio leaned back, crossing his arms, deep in thought.

"Well I think the most obvious thing he told me about was seeing you two love birds holding hands." He said, a row of crooked teeth peeking from under his huge grin. Aiichirou's eyes popped open, peering just over the tips of his knuckles.

" _No_."

"Yeah, actually." Michio said, licking his upper lip and nodding his head. He seemed to be enjoying Aiichirou's embarrassment all too much. Aiichirou sunk back in his seat, too red and stunned to speak. Michio pursed his lips for a moment as a thought passed through his head. "Why are you so embarrassed about this?" He asked. Aiichirou squirmed.

"R-Rin and I aren't  _together_." He said. "He was only holding my hand b-because…" Aiichirou trailed off, not wanting to reveal how much he was being bullied. His mouth hung open, shifting around unspoken words. He coughed. "I mean not everyone has been as nice as Rin and Seijuro, and now that everyone knows, Rin's just, he was just  _worried_." He nodded his head. " _Nothing_  more."

Michio desperately tried not to openly laugh at his nephew, but failed spectacularly. "Aiichirou,  _really?_ " He shook his head, shoulders still shaking with silent laughter. "Have you honestly ever heard of two highschool boys that just held hands because they were  _worried_  about each other?" He said. Aiichirou frowned.

"No…but that's just because-" He forgot everything he was going to say when he saw the dark look clouding over his uncle's eyes. "Ojisan…?" He asked. Michio sighed out his nose.

"It's because, for some ridiculous reason, people think because they have certain body parts they have to act a certain way. They bully anyone who doesn't follow the rules, they bully  _themselves_." Michio gave Aiichirou a pointed look that made him sink lower in his seat. "You'll never see two guys being touchy because no one will just fucking  _let_  them, not even themselves."

"Michio…" his name ghosted passed Aiichirou's lips. He didn't know what to say, because he knew it was true. Michio shook his head.

"So if he let himself hold your hand, you must be pretty special." He said, smiling though neither of them were happy. Aiichirou felt ashamed. Of what, he wasn't entirely sure. Maybe, he'd let his uncle down because he was trying to be a part of this system. He was trying to follow rules that couldn't ever apply to him, and didn't even make sense to the people they were made for.

Aiichirou fidgeted with the hem of his jacket sleeve, unable to look his uncle in the eye. He glanced out the window. The sun had set. He needed to get back to his dorm. He looked back to the untouched burger in front of him. He slid it carefully towards his uncle.

"I don't need it." He said, then added "I'm not hungry, and I…really need to get back to the dorms."

Michio nodded. He took his time pocketing the sandwich and pushing himself onto his feet. Aiichirou followed cautiously. Their conversation had left both of them fragile. Michio held the door open for his nephew, and just as Aiichirou turned to wave goodbye, he wrapped his arms around him tight. Aiichirou jumped, but Michio knew better, and held on until his nephew settled into the hug.

"Be safe, Aiichirou." He spoke fondly as he let go. Aiichirou smiled timidly, nodding.

"I will."

* * *

Rain had just begun falling as Aiichirou found the bus stop shelter. He sat on the bench, pulling his hood over his head and zipping up his jacket. He pressed his knees together, made himself as small as possible. He pulled out his phone, hoping to distract himself. His inbox icon was lit up.

He opened the messages, all from Rin. Just short things like 'how's it going?' and 'you alright?' and 'text me when you're on your way back.' Aiichirou blushed, his eyes glancing up to watch the rain. There was no doubt Rin was indeed worried, but. Maybe Michio was right, and it meant more than Aiichirou would let himself believe. Or maybe he was overthinking this, and Michio was a sad old man with nothing better to do than involve himself in his nephew's love life. Aiichirou sighed. He hoped staring at the light rain might wash away his sticky thoughts, but some thoughts were more like stains.

His eyes fell back to his phone. He typed out a reply telling Rin he was waiting for the bus. He cradled his phone in his two hands, resting in his lap, messages from Rin filling the screen. He had so many things he wanted to say to Rin, so many things he'd just barely been keeping to himself for months. He sunk into his jacket, holding the warm fabric over his nose to keep his face warm.

"I guess," He whispered to no one but himself. "The thing to ask myself is, is it worth it?" He sighed, letting go of his jacket. There was evidence, perhaps even strong evidence, that Rin might just see him as more than a friend. Maybe. Aiichirou honestly believed even if Rin didn't return the feeling, he wouldn't let it ruin their friendship. Maybe it would be weird for a while, but. He'd proven friendship was really important to him. So, it would probably be okay if he just-

Before he knew it, he was on the bus, nearly back to school, regretting having let himself speak his mind for once in the form of a text message that read:

' _Why did you hold my hand?_ '

Aiichirou nearly screamed when he felt his phone buzz, Rin's response lighting up. He pressed a hand to his face, took a deep breath, and read the message.

' _when are you going to be back_ '

Aiichirou's stomach dropped. Oh god he was going to be sick and  _fuck_  he did it again-

' _Are you ignoring my question…?_ '

Aiichirou spent the time in between sending his text and receiving a response resisting the urge to bash his head against the window repeatedly. His hands were shaking as he unlocked his screen to view the message.

' _fuck ai no i just dont want to talk about it in a text. give me some credit_.'

Aiichirou leaned his head against the cool, moist glass window. His face was burning with embarrassment. Anxiety was bubbling deep in his stomach, he felt like a bundle of nerves. Maybe he could just, sleep out in the courtyard. No reason to see Rin, none at all!

Aiichirou sighed long and loud, hugging his arms around himself. He had no idea what Rin would say. He had no idea what to  _prepare_  himself for. He knew he needed to calm down, but scenarios kept playing through his head, all ending with him in some kind of tears. He wasn't ready. He'd just ruined everything.

RUINED

_EVERYTHING_

Aiichirou pulled the bell as the bus neared Samezuka, and his knees nearly buckled when he got up. He nervously thanked the driver and stumbled off the bus. He took several deep breathes, listening to the whirring bus engine fade away as it drove off. The rain was falling much harder now, he could feel it soaking his jacket, but he was frozen.

He jumped, feeling his phone buzzing in his jacket pocket. He pulled it out.

"H-Hello-"

" _Are you almost back_?" Rin asked, sounding rather agitated. Aiichirou looked around nervously. He could see the Samezuka front gate from where he stood, street lamps lighting the darkening street in front of him and illuminating the falling rain. Aiichirou's head felt fuzzy, as if he'd forgotten how to speak. He gulped.

"I'm almost there." He said.

" _What? Speak up._ " Rin growled. Aiichirou coughed.

"I'm almost there!" He said, forcing himself to speak louder. He could hear Rin sigh over the phone. A beat of silence. "Is…something wrong?" He asked. Rin sighed dramatically.

" _Just get back here okay we can talk then_." He said. Aiichirou could hear exhaustion in his voice, and a certain tightly held self-control that he knew Rin couldn't manage for too long. He smiled weakly.

"Okay, I'll be there in a minute." He said, walking down the sidewalk.

" _Thanks_." Rin said, sounding all too relieved. " _See you then_."

Aiichirou hesitantly ended the call and dropped his phone into his pocket. His heart was pounding slow but hard, right against his ribcage. Each beat seemed to knock the air right out of his lungs.

What had he  _done?_  What was waiting for him? Stupid  _Michio_ , putting thoughts in his head. Yes, he would blame Michio for this, without a doubt it was his meddlesome uncle's fault.

Aiichirou surprised himself by walking all the way up the dormitory stairs without tripping once. He walked right down the hallway and stood in front of the door, his fingers twitching. He wasn't ready. Rin was waiting on the other side of the door, probably stretched out on his bunk. Rin wanted to talk. He had things he wanted to say. Things that had to do with Aiichirou acknowledging that they had held hands.

Aiichirou's mouth was dry and his heart was about to punch right through his chest, but somewhere in the haze he was able to take the doorknob in hand and push it open.

"I'm back." He said, voice crumbling apart with nervousness. Rin, who was actually sitting in his desk chair, shot up, mouth wide open, but stopped himself. He snapped his mouth shut. They stared at each other. Rin broke eye contact, falling back into his chair.

"Hey." He said, voice softer than Aiichirou had ever heard it. He stared, wide eyes stuck on Rin as he pushed the door shut behind him. His fingertips lingered on the door for a moment.

"Rin-se-" Aiichirou choked on his words as Rin's eyes shot up to meet his. He gulped. "Rin, are you-what's wrong…?" He asked, quickly peeling off his wet jacket. Rin frowned, he looked miserable.

Aiichirou threw his jacket over Rin's head onto his desk, knocking a few things over, not that he could care at the moment. He kneeled in front of Rin, sitting seiza directly in front of his friend's feet. He caught Rin's gaze.

"Rin…?" He whispered. Rin looked lost. His mouth kept opening and closing, unable to speak. His eyes flashed from anger to fear to melancholy so quickly Aiichirou couldn't keep track. Aiichirou gulped. Words were piling up in his head. He knew there was no way all of it made sense, but Rin wasn't saying  _anything_  and he-

Aiichirou threw a hand over his mouth. Rin was  _upset_  now was not the time for word vomit!

Rin scrunched his eyebrows, confusion very apparent on his face. "…Ai?" He asked, squinting, as if looking close would make things clearer. Aiichirou pressed his hand firmer against his mouth, shaking his head. Rin frowned, and to Aiichirou's horror, dug his fingers in between his mouth and hand, prying his hand away from his face. Aiichirou grimaced for a moment, and just like that the flood gates broke.

"I'm sorry I asked about holding hands, I just, I feel so safe around you and-I was talking with my uncle. He said. Well, I mean, I thought this too. But he said, you know, boys don't really hold hands without a really good reason? B-Because of…everyone being jerks about it?" Aiichirou coughed nervously, but he certainly couldn't stop now. Especially considering the fact that Rin's hand was still clasped around his own. He sucked in a shaky breath.

"I'm not saying it right, but you know what I mean. So I just had to ask! I don't want to overthink things and get the wrong ideas in my head. Because, holding hands is, well it reminds me of things  _b-boyfriends_  might do-" He knew he was being ridiculous. Rin didn't look any less confused. "I-I probably shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry. I just. I want to keep…holding…hands?" Aiichirou wheezed a little, his face flushing. "But you're my best friend! Whatever…we are! I just want to be by your side! Whatever you let me be to you so-"

Rin's confusion was finally replaced by a gentle smile. Rin pressed Aiichirou's hand right back over his mouth, effectively ending the word vomit. The smile on Rin's face was one Aiichirou had never seen before. It was warm and gentle and everything Rin never let anyone see.

"You want to be my boyfriend?" He asked, letting Aiichirou's hand go. Aiichirou's fingertips lingered over his lips. He felt dizzy and his face was burning, but he nodded vigorously.

" _Yes_." He answered without hesitation. He could feel tears in his eyes. Rin winced.

"Please don't cry." He said. Aiichirou blinked a few times, rubbed at his eyes.

"B-But I thought-"

"It  _is_  okay to cry, just. Not right now. Cause you don't need to. Okay?" Rin asked, leaning down. Aiichirou tilted his head upwards, his lips slightly parted. They stared at each other, the seconds ticking away like hours. Aiichirou's free hand curled into fists over his knees. He could do this. He was going to say it. Aiichirou and Rin spoke right over eachother.

" _I really like you!"_

Wide eyes, held breath. They were mumbling and babbling and talking over each other, neither entirely sure of what the other boy had just said.

"I-I'm what did you-"

"Did-"

" _Say?"_

"No, Ai, what did you-"

"Sorry sorry-"

"Just-"

Could you-"

" _SHUT THE FUCK UP AIICHIROU_."

Aiichirou squeaked, clamping his mouth shut. Rin was visibly shaking, his cheeks flushed, eyebrows drown down in a harsh glare.

"I SAID I THINK I REALLY LIKE YOU." He yelled, even though the room was silent now. He kept his eyes on Aiichirou, staring him down. Aiichirou, for once in his life, couldn't think of anything to say. Rin looked like he was being tortured. "God  _dammit_  say something, Ai!" He said.

"I-" He spoke, forcing words out. "said-I really like Rin!" He yelled. They both stared at each other, red faced, nerves bunched. Aiichirou's eyes fell to the carpet underneath his folded legs. He picked the fibers absent mindedly, frowning lightly. "I'm not really sure how everything would work out, I mean I didn't think you liked guys but even if you did I'm kind of lacking in all the more important parts and I'm sure it's really confusing, I'm sorry, but I like you a lot and I just-I want to try to make it work cause I-"

" _Aiichirou._ " Rin said, cutting him off. Aiichirou lifted his eyes just as Rin grabbed his other hand, leaned down and knocked their foreheads together. "You're being annoying." He said, his words lacking any bite. Aiichirou blinked a few times. He could feel the heat of Rin's blush, and smell the shampoo he used in his hair. Aiichirou gulped.

"R-Rin…" He said, his exhale filling the space between his and Rin's lips. Rin hummed lightly and leaned back.

"Right, sorry." He said, squeezing Aiichirou's hand.

"I don't-I don't understand what…?" He said, thought disjointed and sentences left to ruin. "Are we…?"

"Correct me if I'm wrong," and there was that goofy, adorable smile Aiichirou had seen earlier. "but we both just admitted to liking each other. And you kind of agreed to be my boyfriend?" Rin said. Aiichirou shook his head.

"B-But don't you care about…I'm not-I- _I don't have a penis,_  Rin." He said, his fingers nestled perfectly among Rin's. His heart was breaking. This was, it was everything he wanted, but still, he felt so insecure. "Are you really okay with that…?" He asked, desperately trying to keep the pain off his face and failing spectacularly. Rin shifted his hands, lacing their fingers together.

"No I don't mind." He said. His voice was strong, confident, there was no doubt. Aiichirou's eyes were so suddenly full of tears he didn't have any time to even think about holding them back. He lifted his head, tears pouring down his cheeks. Rin smiled painfully, using his free hand to rub at Aiichirou's tears. "It won't be easy, but when has that ever stopped me?" He said. Aiichirou smiled wide, sniffing loudly. Rin let go of his hand, wrapping his strong arms around Aiichirou's much smaller frame. He held him, his shirt soaking up joyful tears. Aiichirou gagged on his own breaths, grabbing fistfuls of Rin's shirt.

"I never though anyone would be so kind to me." He said, a wet cough following. Rin rubbed his back gently, channeling everything he knew about crying youngsters.

"I'm just giving you what you deserved all along." He took a long breath, stalling, then spoke. "But I'm so glad I'm the one who gets to give it to you." He said. Aiichirou rubbing his face against Rin's shirt, his smile absolutely giddy. It was new and it was scary, but Rin was promising to work through it with him. Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY FOR THE WAIT. I just started my new job, and it's awful, and I haven't had much free time to work on this fic. I'm not sure when the next chapter will be out, I'm afraid it might be a while. Stay strong! I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
> 
> -FoxyGrampaGlasses


	8. Hide and Go Seek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're not perfect, and that's perfect.

"So-" Rin said. Aiichirou leaned into his side, smiling warm and bright.

"We're dating!" He yelled excitedly.

His enthusiasm slowly trickled away as he took in the rather pensive stares of the four boys sitting around their food court table. Aiichirou blinked nervously. Rin frowned, crossed his arms. The rumbling chatter from the other patrons in the mall filled their ears, but the lack of response was deafening.

" _What?"_  Rin asked gruffly. Haruka placed his hands firmly on the tabletop, learning forward.

"We all knew you would end up together." He said. Rin grimaced as if he smelled something foul. Aiichirou just quirked a single eyebrow curiously.

"Your inevitable romantic relationship was never a question!" Nagisa added, following Haruka's lead and leaning in towards the couple. Makoto and Rei exchanged pained expressions.

"What we all want to know is-" Haruka continued. Nagisa shot up from his chair onto his feet, pointing dramatically at Rin and Aiichirou.

"Who made the first move!?" He yelled. A  _hush_  fell over the crowd.

Aiichirou and Rin stared at Nagisa, then at each other. Rin furrowed his brow. Aiichirou pursed his lips.

"I don't think there  _was_  a 'first move', Nagisa-kun." Aiichirou said, sliding his eyes back to his hyperactive friend. Nagisa looked positively  _offended,_  a sharp gasp pulled from his chest. He fell back into his chair as if he'd been struck in the head. Makoto sighed, his stiff shoulders relaxing. Haruka's eyes were wide.

"No first move?" He asked, fingers gripping the table. Rin squinted, watching his best friend carefully.

" _No."_  He said hesitantly. "It was a pretty mutual thing.  _Why?"_ He asked, lips curling wide to show off his teeth. Aiichirou giggled, elbowing Rin playfully.

"They were probably betting on us!" He choked on his laughter as all four of their friends' faces went pale, mouths falling open in a complete display of shock. " _Oh my god_." He whispered.

"What the  _fuck_  guys." Rin spat. Aiichirou tried keeping his lips shut but burst out laughing, hilariously proud of himself for guessing correctly. Makoto held up his hands defensively.

"Rei and I had nothing to do with this!" He said. Nagisa scoffed, pointing an accusing finger at Makoto and slamming his other hand down on the table.

" _Lies!_  Mako-chan and Haru-chan both bet on Rin-chan making the first move!" He yelled, a grumpy pout on his face. Aiichirou calmed his laughter and as he drew in a full breath he couldn't help wondering. If Haruka and Makoto had bet on Rin, then…

"You and Rei-kun bet on  _me?"_  He squeaked, cheeks flushing. Nagisa relaxed a bit, wide eyes turning to Aiichirou. A smile slowly blossomed on his rosy face.

"Of course!" He said, a devilish sparkle in his eyes. "Rin-chan could never make a first move, look at him! He's as romantic as a man eating shark!" He said, quickly ducking under the table as the loud scrape of Rin's chair overpowered his voice.

"You goddamn punk, what do  _you_  know about romance?" Rin yelled, reaching over the wide table, fingertips just barely able to touch the wispy curls on Nagisa's head. Aiichirou hung off Rin's arm, putting all his weight into trying to pull his boyfriend back into his chair and desperately yelling for him to calm down.

"Shark teeth aren't romantic, Rin-chan!" Nagisa cried from under the table. Rei looked all too eager to leave Nagisa to his death, scooting away from him and Rin's struggling hands. Aiichirou sputtered, losing his grip on Rin and falling back into his chair.

"Oh, I wouldn't say  _that_ , Nagisa-kun." He said, staring his friend confidently in the eyes, a definite wiggle in his eyebrows. Rin completely forgot about Nagisa in favor of staring at Aiichirou, eyes wide with horror and mouth pulled into a shaky frown.

" _Aiichirou_." He screeched, face flushed. Aiichirou pursed his lips, looking away innocently. Nagisa used his arms on the table to pull himself off the ground and back into his chair, a toothy grin on his face.

"Ai-chan is kinda dirty minded!" He said. Aiichirou and Nagisa shared a somewhat mischievous looking glance. Rin all but shrieked.

"Hazuki is rubbing off on you Ai,  _Jesus Christ_." He grumbled, slapping his hand into Aiichirou's as he sat down. Aiichirou twirled a grey strand of hair around his finger, stirring old thoughts around his head. He didn't think it had anything to do with Nagisa. Aiichirou was just feeling more comfortable around Rin and his friends now.

He'd spent so much time agonizing over how people saw him, how he saw himself, that he hadn't put much thought into things like sex. He hadn't yet gotten the nerve to masturbate, even though he wanted to. It was conflicting and confusing and never failed to make him upset. What he  _wanted_  to touch  _wasn't there_ , and despite youtube videos and how-to guides, he just couldn't get into it. He'd try to close his eyes and, just, go for it, but his arm would bump against his breast or his fingers would get to the slit in between his thighs and the illusion would break. He wasn't sure what to do about it.

Aiichirou realized he'd drifted off with his own thoughts when Rin tugged him up from his chair. He thought he heard Rin yelling that they were leaving, Nagisa whining about Rin being a spoil-sport and Rei chastising him for knowing better than to tease Rin so much. He blinked a few times, stumbling into a short jog and then falling in step beside Rin.

"You shouldn't get so upset." Aiichirou said, smiling lightly. Rin glanced at Aiichirou, a grumpy frown on his face, hair in his eyes. He spoke, words muddled under his pouting lips. Aiichirou bumped against them as they walked down the mall, fingers still shamelessly laced. Perhaps it was Rin's pointed teeth, but no one seemed to want to bother them, and Aiichirou didn't want to let go. "What?" He asked. Rin hunched his shoulders.

"I  _said_  it's  _embarrassing_." He said. Aiichirou pressed his fingertips over his lips, looking away from the glare Rin was pointing at him.

"S-Sorry." Aiichirou said. "I like showing you off though!" He smiled wide, swinging their hands. Rin sighed, letting his shoulders drop and his face relax, but his face was burning red as he pulled his hand away from Aiichirou and shoved his hands in his jacket pockets. Aiichirou frowned lightly, his hands held out awkwardly. He tried to ignore the cold panic that burst through him as he crossed his arms, desperately trying to find something to do with his now empty hands. He watched his feet as they left through the mall's main entrance.

Holding hands while locked away in their dorm room was one thing, but anywhere in the school or out in public and Rin reverted back to his old prickly self. They'd only been dating for a few days and Aiichirou was slowly learning that 'dating' was in no way synonymous with 'all access pass'. There were still rules, for both of them, and some of the conditions of mutual touch didn't follow the best logic. Now that he thought about, Rin really hadn't initiated anything yet. He let Aiichirou hold him and cuddle him and run his fingers through his hair, but Aiichirou couldn't remember Rin doing anything in return, or of his own accord. Aiichirou side glanced his boyfriend. He looked grumpy as ever.

"Are we-"

"We're walking home." Rin said, eyes stuck on the road ahead. Aiichirou nodded. It was cold, but the sun was high and warm and he liked Rin's company even if he wasn't in the best mood. Aiichirou pressed his gloved hands over his mouth and nose, letting the heat of his breath warm him up as much as it could. When Aiichirou dropped his hands, he mistakenly glanced at Rin once more, this time meeting his boyfriend's eyes. They quickly looked away, blushing. Aiichirou wanted to wait to see if Rin had something to say, but his thoughts were growing and festering and, oh, who was he kidding. He huffed, pouting.

"Do you really like me, Rin?" Aiichirou asked. He wanted to look Rin in the eyes, could see the sway of Rin's hair as he turned his head to look at him, but his eyes felt heavy and stayed pointed towards the ground. Aiichirou pulled nervously at the sleeves of his jacket, shivered. His clothes really weren't warm enough for this weather.

"Of  _course_  I really like you." Rin finally answered. He paused, words hanging off sharp teeth. "Do  _you_  really like  _me?"_

Aiichirou heaved his eyes up, his mouth falling open. Rin looked scared, a subtle pinch of his eyebrows and a lost look in his open eyes. "Yes! I do." Aiichirou shook his head, apologizing at least three times. Rin didn't look as convinced as Aiichirou needed him to be. "I-It's just, you never…If it weren't for me, we'd never hold hands or cuddle or do anything like that!" He said. Rin's eyes fell back to the path in front of them. They turned a corner. He looked less scared and more, Aiichirou wasn't sure, maybe a little confused. He wasn't sure what else he could say, so he counted the cracks in the cement under his feet to keep himself occupied until Rin spoke again.

"You always flinch away when I try to touch you." Rin said, shrugging. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable." He pressed his lips into a thin line, turned his head just enough to catch Aiichirou's eyes. Aiichirou smiled sheepishly, laughing nervously. His heart was absolutely burning with affection, but also  _guilt_.

"I-I'm sorry," He said, clasping his hands in front of him. He should have known that was the issue, but then again he liked to pretend like he  _didn't_  flinch at every little touch. He never meant to, and certainly never with Rin. "It's not like you make me uncomfortable. It doesn't scare me, I promise." He said, a rosy blush tinting his nose and ears. "I just flinch because-" Aiichirou's teeth closed around the words he couldn't say, eyes wide as the ghosts of his past hit him hard in the chest. Even if he wanted to talk about it, he didn't think he could, especially not out on a public street. He looked at Rin, his mouth hanging open with a helpless expression on his face. Rin, having experience with facing his  _own_  ghosts, nodded, communicating he understood and encouraged Aiichirou to move on from the subject. He took a deep breath.

"T-The point is it's involuntary, and I promise I'll tell you if I ever really don't want to be touched."

They took another turn, walking into a beautifully scenic park. Aiichirou knew this was faster than walking  _around_  the park, but he liked to think Rin was trying to be romantic. Aiichirou smiled wide. Rin glanced from side to side. The park didn't seem too popular now that winter was starting to set in. He sighed, pulled a hand out of his pocket and held it out towards Aiichirou. The boy squealed, snapped his mouth shut, and quickly took the offered hand eagerly, his smile pressing his cheeks upward into his eyes. He nuzzled up against Rin's side, unaffected by his boyfriend's halfhearted protests for personal space.

"Hey, Rin?" Aiichirou asked, taking one last look around to make sure they were alone, and they were. Rin raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah?" He asked. Aiichirou could feel the heat on his cheeks but he'd kept this question to himself for nearly a half hour and he was sure he would die if he didn't ask it now that he had the chance. He took a quiet breath.

"Have you ever had sex with a girl?" He asked, hand gripping tight around Rin's retreating hand.

"We haven't even kissed, Ai!" He coughed, slapping the over exaggerated puckered lips off Aiichirou's face. " _NOT RIGHT NOW_." He yelled, halfheartedly trying to claw his hand away from Aiichirou, but his boyfriend held on tight with his lips drawn down in a childish pout. Rin huffed, settling down and admitting defeat. Aiichirou, as usual, didn't know when to let the subject go.

"I just wanted to know if you have experience with…that sort of thing?" He said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Is this really the place to talk about that?" Rin choked on his own spit, tugging once more at Aiichirou's hand. Aiichirou shook his head, pulling back.

"Noooo, don't let go, please!" He whined. "We can talk about it later but don't let go!" He took a big step forward, stumbling, but getting far ahead enough to catch's Rin's eyes and show off an impressive pout. Rin grimaced, sighed, nodded.

"Fine, sure, we can talk about it when we get to the dorm." He mumbled, eyes off in the bare tree branches. Aiichirou smiled so wide it hurt, but he couldn't help it. Rin made him so  _happy_. No one had ever made him feel so safe and so  _right_.

They probably looked horribly unstable to anyone on the outside. Rin was always yelling about  _something_  and Aiichirou couldn't stop flinching at his every little move. They fought about who should clean the dorm and who should do laundry and what they should buy for dinner so often they ended up just doing everything as a pair. Aiichirou had a bad habit of staying in Rin's personal space too long and Rin had a talent for saying all the wrong things at any given time. They didn't perfectly fill the gaps in each other, they couldn't speak for each other, they couldn't communicate with their eyes or gestures, everything had to be talked about in simple words, and there was always something that needed to be talked about.

They weren't  _perfect_.

Aiichirou was in a bit of a dreamy spell, he knew that, but it was hard to let himself be slave to it when even now he and Rin were constantly bickering. He knew his and Rin's faults and how they grated against each other, but he also knew that eventually, those sharp edges would smooth out. They could learn how to avoid hurting each other, so it was okay if things weren't perfect right now. They were only highschoolers, after all, and Aiichirou had goals spanning into his late years of life. There was still so much time to get things right, and so many things that were already right, perfection be damned. He would never doubt his safety in Rin's company.

* * *

Aiichirou shut the door behind him, locking it. Rin hung up his coat and scarf, glaring at Aiichirou pointedly. The younger boy looked away, smiling nervously. Rin hated when he piled his clothes on his desk. He coughed as he side stepped up to the closet to hang up his coat.

"So, that thing we were talking about?" He asked hesitantly. He could hear Rin's sharp intake of breath. Holding. Holding. Hooooolding-

"Yeah." He sighed, the pat-pat of his feet on the hard floor following. Aiichirou fumbled with his coat, then turned on his heel to find Rin sitting on the edge of his bunk. Aiichirou hopped onto his desk chair, hands on his knees, politely waiting for Rin to continue. Rin grimaced, rubbed at the back of his neck. "Um, yeah. I've slept with girls." He said, hesitantly looking at Aiichirou. The boy's eyes lit up.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to but-"

"If you're going to ask anyway don't put a disclaimer on it!"

"Have you ever had sex with  _guys?"_  Aiichirou asked, leaning forward in his chair. Rin's lips pulled down into a half frown.

"Yeah." He said. Aiichirou rubbed his lips together thoughtfully, looking down at his hands. When he raised his eyes, he was confident.

"Rin!" He said, making his boyfriend jump ever so slightly. Aiichirou laughed nervously, took a deep breath and forced himself to calm down. "Sorry, um, this is a little embarrassing to say." He said, pursing his lips and looking towards the ceiling.

"Don't say anything you aren't ready to say." Rin scolded. Aiichirou shook his head, grey strands of hair brushing over his cheeks and the fading bruise on his forehead.

"Nope! I'm ready!" He said, then coughed, trying to lower his voice. "I keep trying to masturbate…but I really can't do it." He said, frowning. He wasn't even bothered by the intimacy of the information he was giving. He was far more concerned, once again, by what he was lacking. His eyes were big and blue and  _sad_. He slumped in his seat. "I try but I just, don't have what I expect to be there? I think it feels like I'm touching someone else, so I freak out and…I can't do it." He sighed, wrapping his arms around himself. "Isn't that silly?" He asked, finding Rin's eyes. Rin's embarrassment had left him and he was staring back at Aiichirou with a serious look in his eyes. He hummed, crossing his arms.

"Have you tried…letting yourself pretend you're touching someone else…? Like you're touching a girl?" Rin asked. Aiichirou blinked slowly a few times.

"No, I haven't." He said. "That doesn't sound like a bad idea..." Aiichirou fidgeted with the wrinkles of his baggy shirt. "B-But what if I can't do that…?" He asked. Rin sighed, his tongue poking at the tips of his teeth as he thought.

"Then…" He spoke all too carefully. "Then come to me. And we'll try something else." He said, the tiniest hint of pink clouding over his cheeks. Aiichirou's eyes were impossibly wide. He wasn't entirely certain what Rin was offering, but it had to do with  _sex_  and Aiichirou didn't think that would ever actually happen. He pressed a hand to his burning cheek, nodded, grinning.

"Okay!" He said.

"But not before our first kiss!" Rin said, glaring his boyfriend down. Aiichirou's grin wilted.

"Oh did you want to do that now-"

" _No._ "

"What?" Aiichirou pouted. "If not now, then  _when_?" he asked, hunching his shoulders. How could Rin expressly deny Aiichirou their first kiss? What was wrong with this moment? Rin got on his feet.

"Tomorrow!" He screeched, his cheeks flushing. He sucked in a slow breath. " _Tomorrow_ ," he repeated, his voice careful. "The lights in the park go up. Would you like to go on a walk through them with me?" He asked, eyes burning bright and maybe a touch intimidating. Aiichirou pulled his feet up onto his chair, hugging his knees as he nodded.

" _Yes!"_  He answered, his smile a near perfect U shape. Rin's eyebrows were pinched, but he let himself smile.

"After practice, okay? It'll be dark by then." He said. Aiichirou nodded enthusiastically. "Good."

Aiichirou watched Rin disappear into the bathroom, frozen in place for several moments. Eventually he turned back to his cluttered desk to give his fidgety fingers an outlet. He stacked his books, brushed all the crumbs and crumpled papers into the waste bin, repositioned his stuffed animals. Rin was taking him on a  _date_. A real, honest date. Aiichirou couldn't get over it. His heart was drumming the happiest beat he'd ever heard and it was taking every ounce of self-restraint he had not to just  _scream_.

Aiichirou had just finished organizing his textbooks when Rin opened the bathroom door and flopped down onto his desk chair.

They studied quietly in each other's company for some time, right up until Aiichirou asked Rin to help him with his English homework. Rin had gotten better at actually helping Aiichirou, rather than telling him all the answers, and doing it without yelling too (as long as Aiichirou didn't whine too much). Aiichirou honestly didn't think he'd pass if it weren't for Rin's little tutoring sessions. Aiichirou's focus was frayed now, and Rin seemed similarly uninterested in being patient with his friend. There was some yelling, and somehow the fighting devolved into a war with Rin and Aiichirou on opposite sides of the room, crushing paper into projectiles to be fired at one another.

Needless to say, not much studying was accomplished that night.

* * *

Aiichirou nervously tugged at his collar as he tried to ignore the fifteenth ping of his cell phone in a row. Nagisa was absolutely blowing his phone up, which was not helping his nervousness one bit. Aiichirou was ready to break his phone in half if Nagisa didn't just wait for him to reply.

He took a shaky breath, combing his hair into place. He picked up his phone and tapped out a reply, not even bothering to read what Nagisa had sent him.

" _I thought you'd like to know I'm wearing the outfit you bought me."_

Aiichirou giggled, sliding his phone into his pocket and looking himself in the mirror. He brushed his fingers over his bangs one more time, making sure his bruise was covered. He snapped the wrinkles out of his wool tights, adjusted his belt, pulled his sleeves down so only his fingertips were visible. He was blushing and he felt like he'd just run a marathon, but he was ready. Rin knocked on the bathroom door just as Nagisa replied (three times).

"Are you ready,  _now_?" He asked. Aiichirou gulped, nodded, flushed when he realized Rin couldn't actually  _see_  him nodding.

"Y-Yes, coming!" He yelled through the door, taking one last moment to look at himself and check his phone. He sighed, Nagisa wanted selfies. He quickly took a few, all of which were blurry from his shaking hands, and sent them to his friend before pushing his phone back into his pocket.

Aiichirou opened the door slowly, poking his head out. Rin was by the door wearing a black coat buttoned up over a warm scarf. He raised an eyebrow.

"Come on, let's go." He said, nodding his head towards the door. Aiichirou's mouth went dry, he pushed the door aside.

The look on Rin's face was well worth stepping out of his fashion comfort zone. His cheeks flared bright pink, his mouth parted just enough to reveal the tiny points of his teeth. Aiichirou giggled nervously as he grabbed his coat and scarf.

"Ai, you look so-" Rin squinted, his hands in the air as if he could grab the right words. " _Cute_." He said. Aiichirou crossed his arms, trying and failing to look grumpy.

"You don't have to sound so  _surprised_." He laughed. Rin shook his head.

"S-Sorry." He said.

"Well you look pretty handsome, so I guess we balance each other." Aiichirou shrugged, his smile the tiniest bit nervous. Rin's eyes slid away, his blush just a little brighter. He opened the door, waited for Aiichirou to leave, then locked it behind them.

On their way to the park, Aiichirou asked about Haruka and Makoto. Rin said they were doing well, and somehow got on the subject of embarrassing childhood stories. Aiichirou tried to tell Rin he shouldn't talk about them like that, but the nostalgic smile he wore while talking about his youth was too beautiful and so Aiichirou ended up laughing along with terribly personal stories that he didn't think he should know about. Rin asked about Nagisa and Rei. Aiichirou pouted and said Nagisa needed to be more concerned with his own life instead of constantly pestering Aiichirou for personal details. Rin just laughed like he knew exactly what Aiichirou was talking about, and he probably did.

It wasn't until the warm white lights of the park's winter display were all around them that Rin took Aiichirou's hand, lacing their fingers. Aiichirou bit down on his tongue to keep from mentioning it and possibly ruining the moment. They walked down a stone path, eyes on the frosty lights strung up on the trees lining either side of the path. It was beautiful and lovely, especially going hand in hand with Rin.

Rin stopped them both about halfway through the trail. The lights in the bushes were dull and blinking, but the lights in the trees were bright and constant. Staring into Rin's eyes, it was if time had stopped. The lights were photo frozen snowflakes and the hum of the city around them was a symphony. Rin was pale and cold bitten, his cheeks and nose a bright pink. He tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, leaned down.

Aiichirou nearly swore when he flinched. Rin froze, his eyes not leaving Aiichirou's. They breathed for a moment, the air between them hot with exhaled breath.

"Can I kiss you now?" He asked gently. Aiichirou parted his lips to respond, but all that came out was a strangled squeal. He kept trying to speak, but couldn't seem to find his voice. He shook his head, threw his arms around Rin's neck and pulled him down, their lips crashing into each other. It was hard and warm and  _wonderful_.

Rin sighed out his nose, the breath tickling Aiichirou's burning cheek. He parted his lips, giggling involuntarily. Rin laughed too, pressed his lips back to Aiichirou's, his hands around the boy's waist. Aiichirou didn't think they could get any closer, but he sure as hell tried. He knew he was too excited when he nestled his fingers in Rin's long hair, but his heart was bursting and he couldn't stop. Rin hummed, their lips buzzing together delightfully. He pulled back a little, letting Aiichirou press one last peck on him. Aiichirou reluctantly followed Rin's lead and loosened his grip. They wore goofy smiles on their pink lips and the sparkle of the lights around them danced in their eyes.

Rin pressed his face into the crook of Aiichirou's neck, nuzzling and squeezing him tight. Aiichirou knew Rin could hear his pounding pulse, but he didn't mind. He hugged Rin back, smiling big and wide.

" _Thank you-"_

They froze. Rin straightened himself. As soon as Aiichirou saw his boyfriend's shaky smile they both sputtered into a laughing fit. Were they really one of those couples that talked in sync? How clichéd.

Aiichirou's arms eventually fell from Rin's shoulders, and somehow Rin's fingers were tangled with Aiichirou's once again. They grinned stupidly at each other.

"No wonder you wouldn't let me kiss you in the dorm." Aiichirou said, eyes sliding up to the lights in the trees. Rin looked too proud of himself as he shrugged, tugging Aiichirou into a steady walk.

"It was pretty great, wasn't it?" He said, rolling his shoulders.

"It was something straight out of a manga!"Aiichirou said. Rin went rigid, shooting a nervous glare at his boyfriend.

"Y-You read too much  _crap_." He stuttered.

"What? But you're the one who set this up!" Aiichirou whined, furrowing his brow in confusion. Rin winced.

" _Nevermind."_  He coughed. Aiichirou sighed. Leave it to Rin to turn sour at a moment's notice, but Aiichirou's heart was too light to be brought down. He felt like he was swaying on his feet.

"Does this mean I can kiss you whenever I want now…?" He asked hesitantly. Rin side glanced him.

"Yeah…sure. Just, not in front of the swim team, okay?" He said. Aiichirou smiled.

"Okay!" He said. He watched Rin's eyebrows pull down, his smile turning into a frown. Aiichirou panicked. "W-What?" He asked, looking around frantically, but no one was within ear shot.

"I think you're phone's buzzing." He said, pointing to the hip Aiichirou had pressed to Rin's thigh. Aiichirou flushed, letting go of Rin's hand to dig his phone out.

Flipping his battered black phone open, he was instantly alerted to 19 NEW TEXTS from NAGISA-KUN. Aiichirou sighed, letting his head fall back. Rin leaned over, reading the alert just before Aiichirou cleared it.

"Jesus Christ." He laughed. "What the hell, Naigsa?" He shook his head. Aiichirou pursed his lips, nodding.

"Hey, hey!" Aiichirou said, turning bright sparkling blue eyes up to Rin. "Let's take a picture!" He said. "Nagisa wants one, and I mean, so do I."

"Oh yeah, sure." Rin nodded.

They argued over which tree had the best lights for nearly a minute, and in the end chose the one they'd stopped in front of. They both wrapped their fingers around Aiichirou's phone and held it up, snapping a perfect picture.

Rin had looked at Aiichirou just as the picture was taken. The lights glowed behind them, and the lights from the other side of the path lit up their blushing faces. The smile on Rin's face was perfection.

"Wait! We have to take one with my phone too." He said, throwing an arm around Aiichirou's waist before he could walk away. Aiichirou giggled, his hands covering his mouth.

They ended up taking nearly 20 photos by the time they got back to the dorm. They pulled off their coats and scarves and settled into Rin's bunk. Aiichirou stayed cuddled up next to Rin, Rin's laptop warming up the sheets. He was becoming increasingly frustrated as he sifted through the pictures, unable to choose which ones he should keep. Aiichirou tried to help by pointing out the ones he liked, but it still took Rin several hours to agree with him.

Aiichirou had fallen asleep against Rin's side by then, arms limp around his boyfriend's waist. Rin stifled a laugh, shutting his computer down and sliding it carefully out of the way. He was by no means gentle when he shifted Aiichirou so that his head lay on Rin's pillow, but it didn't appear anything was going to be waking him anytime soon. He just curled into a tight ball, pressing his head against Rin's warm chest wrapped up in a beautiful sense of security.

They weren't perfect, and Aiichirou thought he might prefer it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WEEEEELL I don't have much to say this chapter. We're nearing the end friends, I hope you've enjoyed it so far (and will keep enjoying the last few chapters). As always, your comments and reviews are held in a very special place in my heart. Thank you for reading! Have a lovely day/night!
> 
> -FoxyGrampaGlasses


	9. Three Left Turns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing's going right.

A lazy orange color burned the courtyard as Aiichirou walked hand-in-hand with Rin back to their dorm from swim practice Monday evening. Aiichirou kept pestering Rin for tips on speaking English, and Rin responded with confused frowns and uselessly vague descriptions of how he'd learned. He might have been fluent in English, but he was proving to be a pretty lousy teacher. Aiichirou slumped against Rin's side, his hair tickling his forehead.

"I don't understaaaand!" Aiichirou whined, watching crisp leaves falling from the trees around them. Rin's lack of aggravated chastising had Aiichirou more than surprised. He straightened himself, glancing up at his boyfriend.

Rin squeezed Aiichirou's hand, almost painfully. Aiichirou scrunched his eyebrows, his lips parting to question Rin's behavior when other voices crowded into what had been a quiet space. Aiichirou snapped his mouth shut, turning his head to find a group of five boys gathered around the side of the dorm doors. He grimaced when they noticed him and Rin approaching.

"Hey Matsuoka nice _girlfriend!_ Are you lying to her or does she know she's your fag hag?"

Obnoxious laughter roared in Aiichirou's ears. He threw his arms around Rin's arm, barely able to pull his boyfriend through the dormitory's front doors before he could murder anyone.

"Let me go Ai, those fuckers need to learn some goddamn _respect_!" Rin yelled, pulling with all his might. Aiichirou whined loud, both fists curled around the black sleeve of Rin's swim jacket.

"Noo!" He yelled. "It's not worth it, and you know it!"

Rin suddenly went slack, offsetting Aiichirou's balance. As he stumbled a few steps back before finding his footing again, Rin was already halfway up the stairs. Aiichirou turned on his heels, tripping into a run. He pounded his feet up the stairs, meeting Rin at the top.

They walked down the hallway in silence, strands of Rin's hair obscuring his face. Aiichirou frowned, slipped his hand into Rin's, lacing their fingers. Rin's fingers hung limp from Aiichirou's firm grip. Panic frosted over his heart and lungs. His eyes slid to the doors, watching the room numbers as they passed them by.

Rin shook Aiichirou's hand away when they got to their room, unlocking the door and throwing the key on his desk. Aiichirou slipped into the room, gently shut the door behind him and leaned his back against it. His eyes followed Rin around the room as he straightened up his desk and then his bed sheets, deep red sunset burning through their curtains.

"Rin." Aiichirou said.

"Huh?" Rin asked, a loud exhale following as he fell onto his bunk. Aiichirou pushed away from the door, his arms tucked up against his bound chest, eyes on his small feet.

"Is something wrong…?" He asked. Rin made a confused sounding grunt.

"No." He said, rolling over to face the wall. Aiichirou could feel the icy panic spreading through his chest.

"Is it what that boy just said?"

"No."

"Are you tired?" He asked. Rin's bunk squeaked as he shrugged his wide shoulders.

"Yeah." He said. Aiichirou had every intention of politely leaving Rin to his rest, but he couldn't seem to will his feet to move. Everything in him was screaming that something was _wrong_. He jumped a bit when Rin spoke his name. A thick silence followed. Rin coughed, took a long breath. "Wanna sleep down here tonight?" He asked. Aiichirou's cheeks flushed, baby blue eyes wide as the open sky.

"Yeah." He whispered, excitement dulled by the still solid ice block of panic in his chest. A moment of silence passed. Aiichirou slid his wide eyes to the window where the burning sun had finally fallen and the gentle glow of the moon was just beginning to seep through their thin curtains. He twisted his back just far enough to look at his clock. It was only 6pm.

"Rin." Aiichirou said softly, turning back to look at his senpai, curled up in bed. "By tonight…did you mean right now?" He asked. Rin didn't say anything, but nodded his head against his pillow, tangling up long red hair. Aiichirou sucked in a nervous breath. He spun around on his heel, ripped off his shirt and binder in one quick (slightly painful) movement before he could overthink the situation. He threw the binder on his bunk and pulled his shirt back down.

Without another word, he crawled carefully onto the bed. He stared down at Rin, who kept his face hidden under his hair. Aiichirou lowered himself down. The pillow was big, but Rin took up much more of it than was necessary, forcing Aiichirou's nose to brush against his neck. Rin shivered as Aiichirou pressed his head against the dip between Rin's skull and spine. He dug an arm under Rin's torso and draped the other over him, hugging his much bigger boyfriend to his small, padded chest.

Rin instantly curled up tighter. Air clung to Aiichirou's throat, the panic all but exploding through him. He nuzzled the back of Rin's head, breathing in his scent, feeling his strong pulse.

"You'll tell me what's bothering you?" Aiichirou asked once more. Rin layered his hand over one of Aiichirou's, pressing them both to his stomach.

"Nothing's wrong." He muttered sleepily.

Aiichirou lost all desire to argue as he felt Rin's muscle relax and his breathing even out. He sighed against Rin's skin. Maybe Rin really was just tired. Aiichirou kept repeating it in his head like a mantra until finally he, too, fell asleep.

* * *

 

The second time Rin pulled away from Aiichirou was after Tuesday's swim practice. It was another lazy afternoon, and Aiichirou's hand sought Rin's out without much thought. He became painfully aware when Rin sped up, just a few paces faster and just out of reach. Aiichirou took wide steps to catch up with him. He nervously gripped the strap of his duffle bag in both hands.

Aiichirou couldn't stifle the worry eating away at his mind. Hadn't they _talked_ about this? And yet the situation seemed to be getting worse, not better.

"…Rin?" Aiichirou asked, teetering on his feet as he desperately tried to get a look at his boyfriend's expression, but red hair swayed angrily about him and kept his face obscured.

"Sorry, Ai, I'm just not in the mood. Later, okay?" He said, pushing open the dormitory's doors. Aiichirou slowed, stood in the doorway for a moment, watched Rin disappear into the stairwell.

He stepped forward, letting the door fall shut behind him. He looked down at his feet, his small hands tangled nervously around each other. He could feel tiny cracks splintering in his heart. It was breaking slowly but surely.

Aiichirou hugged his arms around himself. What could be bothering Rin so badly that he couldn't tell Aiichirou? His lip quivered. Maybe… _he_ was the problem.

Aiichirou clenched his teeth together, took a deep breath, dropping his hands to his sides in tight fists. He ascended the stairs like a man walking to his slow, belated death. Aiichirou tried with all his might to disprove that one, little possibility, but it clung to his every thought suddenly and absolutely. They fought so much, it wasn't like something like this should surprise him. Hadn't he seen this coming?

* * *

 

Aiichirou woke slowly that night. He groaned softly, rubbing at his aching head. As the fog in his mind cleared, he became increasingly aware of the frantic rustling of fabric and squeaking of the bed below him. Aiichirou pushed himself to sit up straight, listening carefully in the cold dark.

His heart beat painfully as he listened to what could only be Rin thrashing around his bunk. _'He's having another nightmare…'_

Aiichirou frowned, pressing a delicate hand to his chest. Rin whimpered something Aiichirou couldn't understand. English, he thought. He sighed, rolling to the ladder and quietly climbed down.

He folded his legs underneath him, resting his forearms and head on Rin's bunk. He knew not to wake Rin in the middle of a nightmare, however much he wanted to end them. He'd done this a few times before. He couldn't rightly sleep while Rin was shaking the entire bed, so he made it his job to watch over Rin until he calmed down. Aiichirou's cheek pressed against his hand as he watched Rin flip over to face him.

Without thinking, Aiichirou reached his hand out, clasping Rin's hand in his own. Rin kept shaking for quite some time, minutes ticking away into hours, but Aiichirou stayed there, his thumb stroking Rin's hand. At the very least, he wasn't thrashing anymore. Aiichirou's eyes were drooping, his heart felt lighter than it had in days. It felt like finding a drop of water in the middle of a desert. He was in bliss, Rin wasn't pushing him away.

Aiichirou's head clouded over as Rin's shaking finally stopped, his body relaxing, but like a slap to the face he was snapped awake by a sharp intake of breath and Rin's hand being ripped from Aiichirou's grasp.

His head shot up, his heart beating slow and hard. "…Rin?" he whispered. He watched Rin for some time. He could hear the groaning of the wind against the side of the dormitory, a foreboding soundtrack for this painful scene.

"Sorry, Ai. Go back to bed." He grumbled.

"Rin-" Aiichirou tried to argue, but Rin growled loud.

" _Go back to bed_."

Aiichirou's lips quivered, his hand hovering in the air. Why was Rin being like this…? He pressed his lips shut, pressed his hand to his chest timidly, nodded even though Rin couldn't see it.

"Goodnight."

His voice was so soft he wasn't sure he'd even spoken.

* * *

 

Aiichirou spent most of Wednesday away from Rin. He tucked himself away in a corner of the Samezuka library, his nose stuck in various textbooks throughout the evening. He skipped swim practice, and crumpled his English homework when it reminded him too much of Rin.

He knew it wasn't healthy and definitely not any way to deal with his issues, but Rin wasn't talking to him and Aiichirou had lost all desire to poke at his boyfriend for the day. The silence of the library buzzed pleasantly in his ears, the soft scrape of turning pages becoming the loudest thing on the planet.

Quiet wasn't something he enjoyed most of the time but the library seemed to quell his stormy thoughts in a way no other place could. The books around him were safe and kind ever stable. They couldn't get grumpy or moody. They couldn't yell at him.

He drew a slow, final period on his math homework. His hand felt weighed down, the graphite of his mechanical pencil stuck in place on the paper. He sighed, shutting his notebook and sliding it into his bag. He leaned back in his chair, looking around.

He didn't have much more to do. He could study if he wanted to, but he definitely _didn't_ want to. He could read, but he'd gotten to the point, hours into relaxing, where he starts to feel guilty for ignoring his issues. Aiichirou rubbed at his eyes.

The bookshelves blocked the windows, but the clock on the wall read 6pm. Aiichirou tipped his head back, trying to cut off the exasperated sigh threatening to leave his lips. He stayed like that for a minute, his hair hanging away from him and exposing the light yellow leftovers of a bruise that had probably changed everything.

He flung himself forward, bangs falling back into place, and heaved his text book filled back pack over his shoulder. He trekked up the stairs to the computer lab and settled down at a computer in the back.

He took the time to absent mindedly type up an old essay that was far overdue, and he honestly doubted his teacher would accept it. His fingers felt tingly as he typed, an odd prickly numbness of the soul taking hold of him. The thoughts he'd kept at bay now crashed back to the front of his mind in strong waves.

Rin wasn't talking to him. Whatever issue Rin was having, he didn't plan on telling Aiichirou about it. Aiichirou didn't mind the fighting, he could handle that, but this- this _silence_ was nothing short of torture. He wanted to help.

His fingers went limp, falling from the keys of the computer into his lap.

Was he giving Rin _too much_ power in their relationship? Aiichirou's heart felt twisted and burned and raw. He'd had crushes but this was his first mutual romance. What if he was being _used?_ How should he know the difference between true and fabricated love?

Aiichirou twisted his fingers into his uniform polo, shoulders hunched and shaking.

He knew anyone could walk in at any moment, but he couldn't seem to care. He felt so utterly broken, like he'd been walking around with broken glass in his chest for days. He kept quiet, praying that it would heal itself, but the glass just deeper and deeper and now he didn't think he'd ever be able to get it out. Even if Rin did love him, his heart was splintered. It had always been fragile. How many times could he put up with Rin before he couldn't put himself back together again? How could he put himself together again without Rin?

Aiichirou grabbed the baggy fabric over his chest and pressed it to his teary eyes, sniffing loudly.

Several minutes passed before Aiichirou let go of his shirt. He took a deep breath, lifting his eyes with great effort to the nearly finished essay in front of him. His head swayed from side to side for a moment. He dug out his thumb drive plugged it into the computer, saving the essay for later. He stared at the generic Samezuka screen saver.

He wasn't sure he could get up.

His mind was working painfully slow, but he eventually lifted his hands back to the keyboard and opened the internet browser. He logged into his e-mail, not terribly surprised (or happy) to see several new e-mails from his uncle. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he _knew_ this was not the time to look at these, but like usual he ignored his amazing voice of reason and opened the conversation.

 

_FROM: nimimochi_

_Ai,_

_How are you? I just drafted my proposal to the school. I'll send you the finished version tomorrow night. Don't forget about your doc appointment on the 24_ _th_ _. Rin can come with you if you want. He might learn some useful things!_

_Love, Michio_

_NOV 10th_

 

Aiichirou grimaced, scrolling to the second message.

 

_FROM: nimimochi_

_Ai,_

_I attached the proposal. I want to make sure you're okay with it. Read it over and get back to me asap!_

_[ samezuka_bully_ proposal.rtf ]_

_NOV 11th_

 

Aiichirou didn't intend to open the document, scrolling to the third and final e-mail.

 

_FROM: nimimochi_

_Ai,_

_I scheduled to meet with your principal on Wednesday. It probably won't end there, so be prepared? I'm really sorry for any trouble this causes you, but as your guardian, I have to be sure you're safe. I hope you know I love you, and you forgive me for making things harder for you for a little while. Be safe._

_Love, Michio_

_NOV 12th_

 

Aiichirou _choked_.

He pressed a hand to his chest, coughing loudly, his heart punching his ribs with each beat. Michio had already met with the school. Aiichirou shot up from his chair. No no no no no no.

He threw on his backpack and stumbled down the library staircase. His heart all but stopped when he heard the soft chimes of the PA system. He tripped down the last few steps, falling to his knees.

" _Would Nitori Aiichirou-san please report to the principal's office. Nitori Aiichirou-san to the principal's office, please. Thank you."_

Aiichirou wheezed, several classmate's eyes turning to him. He pressed a hand over his face, trying to hide. He wanted to melt into the floor.

It was a long moment, stretched over several minutes, before Aiichirou mustered the courage to drop his hand and pick himself up. He walked on shaky legs out of the library, the tap-tap of his shoes on the tile hallway filling his ears until he came to the main office. Aiichirou briefly considered running away and never coming back, which really was the more sensible solution here, but instead he pried the door opened and quietly rounded the outside of the rows of faculty desks.

The door to the principal's office was open. He gulped. His legs felt like jelly and he was 100% certain he couldn't take another step. He stood shaking in front of a big window, the blinds just open enough for Aiichirou to see the outline of his uncle and principal. Michio must have noticed him standing there and in a minute he was in the doorway, helping to usher his nephew into an overly squishy chair. Michio squeezed his shoulder reassuringly. Aiichirou's eyes flickered around the room, sickening motivational posters and framed degrees littering the walls. The silence was deep and frightening.

"Aiichirou-san," His small, pointy principal started. Aiichirou nodded, his lips dancing around a greeting but his voice a garbled mess. Principal Fukui held his boney hand up. "Thank you." He said gently. Aiichirou snapped his mouth shut and looked down at his feet. Fukui sighed.

"I personally have no objections to you being in the school. I think you're a bright boy and though you're no star athlete, your captain speaks highly of you." Fukui said. Aiichirou lifted his head slightly, hesitantly looking his principal in the eyes. He hoped his trembling shoulders weren't visible. "Your uncle's concerns are completely valid as well." He nodded towards Michio. " _However_ ," Fukui stressed, adjusting his glasses. "The school board is not so kind. Samezuka has fought to allow its' students as much freedom as possible, believing that to be a key in cultivating academic success and morality, but we are on a short leash with the district. Michio-san and I just finished with a phone conference, but it did not go as well as either of us had hoped." Fukui looked down at his desk for a moment, a sullen expression on his face. He recovered quickly.

"Nitori Aiichirou-san, you are suspended until we can come to an agreement with the district." Fukui said, a harsh note of finality in his voice. "You do not need to move out of your dorm room for the moment, but you may not stay there until you allowed back in classes."

Aiichirou's eyes were wide, his jaw trembling. Michio put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing.

"Thank you for everything, Fukui-sensei. I'll take him home, and we'll meet again tomorrow?" Michio asked. Fukui nodded curtly.

Michio helped Aiichirou onto wobbly feet and led him out into the hallway. "Are you okay kid?" He asked gently. Aiichirou met his eyes. He sucked in a long breath, blew it out his nose steadily, his eyes fell to the floor.

"Everything's going all wrong right now." Aiichirou shook his head, pressing fingertips to the corner of his eyes as he wheezed out a forced breath. Michio pulled him into a quick, warm hug, ruffling his nephew's hair.

"That just means something has to go right soon!"

Aiichirou shuddered. He didn't think he could cry here, but he sure felt broken. Michio squeezed him tight, then let him go.

"Let's go get your stuff."

* * *

 

Aiichirou held a hand over his mouth as he unlocked his dorm room, Michio in tow. He grimaces when he sees Rin lying in his bunk. Rin shifted, sat up.

"Ai?" He asked, confusion in every crease of his expression. Aiichirou couldn't meet his eyes. He walked with confidence that was actually entirely fear, right passed him. He stood in front of his desk, grabbing a few pens and books and desperately trying to fit them in his already stuffed back pack. He was horribly aware of his uncle's curious gaze from where he was leaning against their door frame.

"Sorry senpai." Aiichirou said, gulping. He moved to the closet, grabbing his coat. "I-I'm suspended. I won't be here for a little while." He said. He turned to the bed, hastily grabbing his blanket and pillow and rolling them up under his arm. "Please be safe while I'm gone." He spoke stiffly and with far more formality than should ever be between two people romantically involved.

"What?" Rin choked, stumbling onto his feet. "Suspended-Ai that's- _What?"_ He coughed, grabbing Aiichirou's wrist. "Ai, come on. Talk to me!" He asked frantically. Aiichirou bit down on his bottom lip. _Talk to him?_

Aiichirou glared. "I-I'll talk to you later senpai, I'm sorry." He said, tugging on his arm. Rin hesitantly let his arm slip through his grasp, staring brokenly as Aiichirou slammed the door behind him.

Aiichirou stayed pressed up against the door, breathing out slow and loud. He was so _angry_.

His wide eyes slowly traveled up, meeting his uncle's. Aiichirou sniffed. Michio sighed, apparently deciding not to ask. He took Aiichirou's pillow and blankets and made his way back down the hallway. Aiichirou had to take several breathes before following.

It was all so much. Too much. Why hade he treated Rin like that? Why did he feel so nauseous? What was he supposed to do now? His entire life was, yet again, completely out of his hands. His head was spinning. There was nothing to be fixed and everything was breaking.

Aiichirou stumbled into Michio's side as they walked to the bus stop, cold autumn wind nipping at them. Aiichirou shivered, wiped his nose on his polo.

Michio was quiet the entire ride home. Aiichirou was both thankful and worried. Michio was only quiet when he had something on his mind. Aiichirou realized, as he slumped in his bus seat, pressed up against his uncle's side, he hadn't heard what the district had to say about this. He rested his head on Michio's shoulder, letting his eyes droop. Aiichirou didn't want to know what the district had to say. He wondered if he'd ever feel awake again.

Before he fell into the sweet darkness of sleep, he mumbled Michio's name.

"Huh?" Michio asked, looking down at his drowsy nephew.

"I love you." Aiichirou whispered. "Thank you for taking me in." He said, even with his voice smoothed by the pull of sleep, it sounded broken. Michio shifted, wrapped an arm around Aiichirou, hugging his nephew's head to his chest.

"Thank you for trusting me." He said, a fondness in his voice that put Aiichirou's aching heart at ease.

The hum and rattle of the bus lulled Aiichirou into a deep sleep, Michio's body heat the perfect blanket.

* * *

 

Aiichirou rubbed at his eyes sleepily as he climbed the crumbling stone stairs up to Michio's apartment. He yawned, the dull lights along the building walls burning his sleep heavy eyes. He tried not to acknowledge that, while he was tired as hell, he probably wouldn't be able to go back to sleep.

Michio's apartment was as cluttered and disarrayed as Aiichirou remembered from the year before. He sighed, slipping his feet out of shoes and trying to tip toe around the clothes and dirty dishes. Michio laughed nervously.

"Sorry, Ai." He apologized. Aiichirou groaned.

"You didn't clean up at all while I was gone." He sighed. "In fact, it's gotten messier."

Michio pushed all the dishes littering his kitchenette countertop right into the sink with a disastrous clattering. Aiichirou shook his head, feeling a bit exasperated, and began the process of piling up all the trash on the floor of the small living space that he would once again be calling home.

Michio approached, a question on his lips, but a pointed glare from Aiichirou seemed to be enough to get his messy uncle into the cleaning mood. He spun on his heal and took long strides back into the kitchen. The woosh of running water, clattering of dishes, and soft whispering of crumpled fabric on carpet helped to numb Aiichirou's head, aching from the thoughts rapidly pulsing through his mind.

When could he go back to school?

Did Rin still like him?

Had their relationship been serious in the first place?

Had Aiichirou ruined his chances by being cold to Rin when he left?

What if he could never go back to school?

Was he letting Rin use him?

Did it matter if he went to school or not?

Who would ever hire him to work anyway?

What would he do?

Where could he go?

_What's left now, what's safe?_

Aiichirou sucked a breath deep into his belly, so full and deep that the pressure might stop his chest from shaking and fill the voids fear was burning into him. He coughed, pressed one of Michio's shirts to his face for a moment. He breathed in the pungent stink of Michio's old laundry, a smell that reminded him of days at the park and piggy back rides and gentle hands and sweet words. He slowly pushed the air out of his lungs. He was near panicking and wasn't entirely sure he could hold himself together like this for much longer.

Perhaps his uncle, who made a living on recognizing even the smallest queues of an emotional disturbance, had noticed Aiichirou slumped over his clothing, trying with every fiber of his being to hold himself together like a popsicle stick house soaked in elmer's glue, all the thin pieces of himself sliding out of place. The running water was cut, and Aiichirou could hear the squeaking of a dish rag on wet plates. Michio hummed a tuneless melody for a few minutes. The smell and warm melody of his uncle, of the one person he truly owed his life to, eased the panic from a raging boil to a light simmer, and Aiichirou took several thankful breathes before he could finally drop the shirt in the pile forming next to the couch.

"You know, it's not my fault!" Michio called. Aiichirou scrunched his eyebrows, just starting to settle back into his own mind.

"What…?" He asked, dusting some socks and underwear into the laundry pile with his feet.

"Being messy! It's in the Nitori genes!" He laughed boisterously. Aiichirou couldn't help laughing along. He had always thought he was a neat person until he moved in with Rin. He remembered his innocent fights with Rin over the cleanliness of their dorm, the dirty looks he got when he threw something on the floor or let the garbage overflow.

His chest was aching again, but he focused on the fabric in his hands and the soft scent of soap coming from the kitchen and fought to stay grounded. The two men are quiet for a few moments. Loud clattering fills the small apartment for a moment as Michio stacks his plates and bowls.

"Is something wrong, Aiichirou?" Michio asked, slowly and with great consideration. Aiichirou's mouth hung open. He would say it all, but the words seem stuck. He gulps.

"Yeah…" He said. Michio waited for him to speak, and when his nephew said nothing else, he shut the cabinet doors and traveled the few steps into the living room. He made a surprised noise as he picked up a half full garbage bag that had been leaning against the wall for weeks, sweeping trash off the couch into the bag.

"Wanna talk about it?" He asked. Aiichirou was slow to answer.

"…Yeah."

"Okay, okay." Michio sighed, dropping the garbage bag off to the side and sitting on the couch. "Come on sit down." He said, patting the cushion beside him. Aiichirou froze in place, awkwardly hunched over the now mountain of dirty laundry. He hesitantly dropped a pair of pants on top of the pile, and, shuffled into the seat, his hands on his knees. He shared a look with his uncle, one full of 'you go first, no you', until the words that had been so stuck just minutes before were nearly begging to be let out.

"Rin's been really distant…lately." He said. "I-I just…don't understand why. I mean, he was kind of uncomfortable with being affectionate in public for a while. And I was pretty respectful of that, I think! W-We even talked about it! And, he said he was just nervous about touching me because I-I'm kind of jumpy." Aiichirou shook his head. "And I told him I wasn't scared, cause I'm not! And everything was _so great_. But…a couple days ago. I don't know why. If it were just being affectionate in public I don't think I would mind, but he started pulling away when we were alone too." Aiichirou hated how his lip quivered. He was terrified. Rin was slipping through his fingers and he was starting to wonder if that was for the _best_.

"Have you talked to him about it? I mean, _again?"_ Michio asked as he leaned back into his lumpy couch, stretching his legs out. Aiichirou pouted.

"I asked him if something was wrong but he wouldn't tell me." He answered softly. "I assumed he'd tell me when he was ready…maybe I'm just being impatient." He shrugged.

"No, you have a right to be worried, Ai." Michio said, his age finally starting to show. "I mean, communication is pretty much the most important part of making a relationship work. If he's not communicating, well that's a dick move." He said, very matter-of-factly. Aiichirou shook his head, letting it fall into his open hands. He rubbed at his forehead.

"The only possible reason he wouldn't talk to me is if-" His voice quivered. "If it's _my fault_. If I'm the problem." Aiichirou had more thoughts pushing to get out, but he was all out of words, confused and scared. Michio crossed his arms.

"Ai, I know you better than anyone. You're a good kid. I find it hard to believe that you could be much of a problem for _anyone_." He said. Aiichirou sighed, lifting his head.

"I'm not sure if I did something…but I'm the problem. I'm sure of that."

Michio shook his head, looking a bit frustrated. "You are no one's problem, Ai. If you haven't actually done anything wrong, don't let him make you feel like you have."

Aiichirou jerked his eyes up to Michio's, mouth yell-ready and fists clenched- But nothing came out. He withered, eyes falling back to his toes. He wanted to defend Rin. He wasn't like that, he wanted to say. Rin wasn't doing it on purpose, he doesn't mean it, it's my fault _it has to be_ he has to be good for me but there's so many reasons I'm bad for him.

Aiichirou pressed his lips together. Michio watched his nephew for a long minute, sitting perfectly still. He shook his head, rolled onto his feet.

"Come on, let's finish cleaning up so we can set up the futon." He said, groaning as he bent over to pick up the garbage bag. Aiichirou looked up at his uncle.

Aiichirou realized, with a stab of pain through his heart, he didn't want to settle.

* * *

 

Though he wasn't allowed in the Samezuka library, the public library was like coming home for Christmas. It was wide open, with more bookshelves than Aiichirou could count and held a much wider variety than his school. After an eventful morning of being unable to fold the pop out bed back into the couch, cleaning, and mass producing bargain bin curry for both himself and Michio, Aiichirou suited up in his beaten coat and scarf and headed out. He cut his way through the cold morning air and slipped through electric sliding doors into the toasty warm library, breathing out a small sigh of relief.

He tugged at his scarf as he stared at the big directory sign hanging above the front desk. It didn't take him very long to wonder through the big library to the mythology section, pick up at least five books, and claim a chair at a small table.

The titles ranged from Japanese to Chinese to Norse and even a small volume of African mythology. He wasn't sure he'd like any of them, but the romantic novels he usually read like tomes illuminating the answers to his every conflict looked all too unappealing. He sunk into his chair, cracking open the book on African mythology. He also was in no place of mind to focus on schoolwork. It was, in fact, the furthest thing from his mind.

He read the syllables on the page but not the words, flipping through the book idly. His phone buzzed loudly through his pocket, making him jump, drop his book, and drew several angry faces towards him.

Aiichirou ripped his phone out of his pocket and quickly switched it to silent mode before flipping it open to find none other than a text from Nagisa.

 

_NAGISA-KUN_

_NOV 14_

_1:12PM_

_ai-chan y weren't u at practice yesterday?_ (ﾟД｀ﾟ)ﾟ

 

Aiichirou sighed, sliding down into his seat. He rested his straight arms on the table as he tapped a reply.

_YOU_

_NOV 14_

_1:12PM_

_Rin didn't tell you? My uncle complained to the school about their bullying policy and I'm suspended until they decide what to do._

_NAGISA-KUN_

_NOV 14_

_1:12PM_

_WHAT?_ (」ﾟﾛﾟ)｣

_YOU_

_NOV 14_

_1:13PM_

_Yeah, sorry I didn't tell you. Yesterday was kind of. Hectic._

_NAGISA-KUN_

_NOV 14_

_1:15AM_

(´∩｀。) _no its okay ai-chain. are u okay?_

_YOU_

_NOV 14_

_1:16AM_

_I'm fine. I'm just at the library…_

_NAGISA-KUN_

_NOV 14_

_1:20AM_

_u do not sound okay to me_

 

Aiichirou sighed, shutting his phone. He didn't feel like answering that. He didn't feel like doing anything at all. He dropped his phone into his backpack and picked up his book, flipping back to the first page that he'd seen but not actually read.

Enclosed by walls of books and lit by fluorescent light fixtures, Aiichirou hardly noticed as day turned to night. He read through about half the book, learning about different rituals performed in native tribes and several stories of their gods. Aiichirou sighed, stretched out long and hard. When he relaxed, he dropped the book on the table, staring absently at the cover for a minute before fishing his phone out of his back pack.

 

_3 NEW MESSAGES_

 

Aiichirou nearly turned his phone off just to avoid whatever he knew Nagisa was sending him. He fought off a dramatic sigh, he was much too good of a friend.

 

_NAGISA-KUN 2:31PM "let me know if u need any…"_

_NAGISA-KUN 4:44PM "ai-chan r u still at the…"_

_NAGISA-KUN 5:26PM "so rei-chan is coming to get u…"_

 

Aiichirou flung himself forward onto the edge of his seat, ignoring all but the last of Nagisa's texts.

_YOU_

_NOV 14_

_5:58PM_

_What do you mean Rei-kun is coming to get me?_

 

His voice was screeching in his head and he could only hope it translated to text. He stacked his books up and swung his backpack over his shoulders, quickly making his way to the front desk. As he was scanning his books, his phone lit up with a new message.

 

_NAGISA-KUN_

_NOV 14_

_6:00PM_

_i was worried about u! its important to b around friends during hard times so i told rei-chan to go find u. r you still at the library?_ _｡_ _:_ _ﾟ_ _*+;(●´_ _･_ _д_ _･_ _`●);+*_ _ﾟ_ _:_ _｡_

 

Aiichirou finished scanning his books, holding the stack in one hand as he typed with the other. He got half way through the message before bumping into Rei, quite literally. The books toppled onto the floor, several slamming on his toes. Aiichirou whined, clenching his teeth together to keep from yelling.

"Are you alright, Aiichirou-kun?" Rei asked. Aiichirou looked up from his aching feet, blushing.

"I-I'm fine, thank you for asking." He answered shakily, kneeling to pick up his books.

Rei picked up a few of them up and Aiichirou stuttered through a small thank you. Rei smiled brightly.

"I actually have a few books I need to return and one I need to pick up, if you don't mind." He said, turning his head to the self scan stations that Aiichirou had just left.

"Oh of course, it's no trouble." Aiichirou said, following Rei.

"Sorry to just…show up out of nowhere. Nagisa was really worried about you, but I didn't like the idea of him being in a library." Rei sighed as he pulled out his books, placing them gingerly on the return bookshelf. Aiichirou smiled for what felt like the first time in days, giggling gently.

"Thank you very much for the concern." He said, watching Rei gesture to wait just a moment.

After Rei picked up the book being held for him, the two boys made their way back into the dark autumn night. Street lamps washed the streets in gold and reminded him of his first date, his only date, with Rin. He pressed his books to his aching chest.

"Would you like to spend the night with Nagisa and I?" He asked. Aiichirou frowned.

"It's a school night." He said. Rei's eyes drifted to the cars speeding by them. He shrugged.

"There are some things more important than school." He said, smiling down at Aiichirou. "Nagisa's already at my house and I can guarantee you he's not leaving, so you can stay too. My parents don't mind, they work late so they won't be home for some time anyway."

Aiichirou squirmed, thumbing the corner of one of his books. "I-If it's alright then, yes I'd like to join you guys." He said, eyes on the bricks under his worn shoes. Rei's smile seemed to sparkle.

"Nagisa will be happy to hear that." He said.

A sudden silence fell over them, hanging off words needing to be said. Aiichirou felt ragged. His thoughts were wearing him down and his emotions where dragging him into the ground and the two elements of his consciousness were conspiring to consume him altogether. If he wanted to talk to Rei about it, he didn't even know where to start.

"- okay with walking?" Rei asked. Aiichirou blinked.

"I-I'm so sorry, what?" He asked. Rei shook his head, a gentle look on his face.

"I said I don't live far from here, do you mind walking?" He said. "You…look tired."

"Oh." Aiichirou blushed, adjusting his hold on his books. "N-No I'm fine, we can walk." He smiled. Rei looked skeptical, but nodded.

"How are…you doing? With all of this?" Rei asked carefully. Aiichirou glanced at the ground.

"It sucks." He sighed. "But…school isn't exactly my biggest worry right now…"

"Oh...? What is?" Rei asked, side glancing him curiously. Aiichirou bit his lip.

"Rin…" Aiichirou said, just loud enough to be heard over the pedestrian chatter and passing cars. "He's being…distant." He said. Rei frowned.

"What do you mean?" He asked. Aiichirou groaned.

"He's…not letting me hug him anymore. Or hold his hands. Or anything like that. And he won't tell me why…" Aiichirou explained, resting his chin on the top of his stack of books.

"That doesn't make sense…Do you have any idea what might have triggered this?" Rei asked.

Aiichirou shook his head. "We talked about touching even before he started being distant…So I don't understand. It should be getting better not worse!" Aiichirou sighed loud and hard. He was sick of this and it had only been going on for four days.

Rei hummed. He didn't offer up any saintly advice the rest of their walk home. Aiichirou couldn't say he wasn't disappointed, but Rei's presence was a blessing on his jagged thoughts and frayed emotions. It warmed him to think Nagisa was waiting for him at Rei's house. He really was so lucky…

A raging wave of guilt washed through Aiichirou.

Without Rin, he had nothing, and nowhere to go. That was what he'd been telling himself all week. His head felt heavy in his chest and it had nothing to do with walking to Rei's house. How _stupid_ he was being.

Rei and Nagisa were worried sick about him and taking every possible measure to show their support. They weren't the only ones either. Mikoshiba had kicked a boy off the swim team to keep Aiichirou safe. He'd been there for Aiichirou when his binder had ripped too. Michio was risking a lot to yell at the district about their bullying policy. Haruka and Makoto, while Aiichirou didn't see them often, would go to great lengths to protect him as well.

Aiichirou sniffed loud, turning to Rei. "I-I'm sorry, could you hold these for a moment?" He asked. Rei took the books from Aiichirou, eyebrows pinched and confusion filling his eyes.

Aiichirou didn't explain, wasn't sure he could, as big tears streamed down his face. "Th-Thank you so much Rei. You and Nagisa mean so much to me." He hiccupped, scrubbing at his eyes. Rei's surprise melted into a cozy smile.

Aiichirou eventually took his books back just as they arrived at Rei's house. Nagisa had nearly broken his back with an over enthusiastic welcome hug. They sat on Rei's floor, eating a simple rice dinner.

Aiichirou reveled in the atmosphere, wrapped the friendship around him like a security blanket, letting it melt the frigid panic that had been clinging to him for four days.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a pain to format!!! But I did it because I care!!!!! There are exactly 3 chapters left of this fic and (starting with this chapter) they're going to be significantly longer that what I've been writing so far. They're all already planned out in great detail, though, so hopefully it won't take too much longer to finish chapters. As always, thank you for reading! Readers make writing a whole lot more fun! I hope you all find a moment of peace today. Struggle on friends!


	10. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is a pilotfish without his shark?

Being woken by his cell phone ringing through his head had become something of a routine, but not one he would ever get used to.

Aiichirou groaned as he rolled around the couch-futon in search of his phone. Throwing his hand around blindly, he swore from under the sheets when he caught the hard corner of his phone. He gripped it loosely, pulling it down into his pit of warmth and darkness.

The bright light brought tears to his eyes as his phone shook in his hand. His phone was vibrating. Aiichirou unlocked the screen. His phone was vibrating. He couldn't quite read the alert.  _His phone was vibrating_.

OH

Aiichirou fumbled to answer the text message that was actually a phone call, just missing it when, in his panic, he dropped the phone on his face and pressed the end call button with his nose. He groaned, loud and long, his phone slipping off his face and onto the thin mattress beneath him. He twisted his hand, grabbing his phone from where it was wedged between the mattress and his neck.

_1 MISSED CALL from NAGISA-KUN_

Aiichirou pressed his lips together, a groan buzzing in the back of his throat as he hit the redial button and struggled to keep the phone to his ear. In the end he turned to lie on his side, letting gravity hold the phone against his ear.

"Good morning sleeping beauty!" Nagisa sang as he answered the phone.

"Morning." Aiichirou greeted, voice still heavy from sleep.

"Ai-chan have you really been asleep this whole time?" Nagisa's voice was pleasantly muffled by the phone speaker, but still picked at Aiichirou's brain. He furrowed his brow.

"What time is it…?" He asked. Nagisa hummed.

"Ahhh…oh! It's 2:30." He said. Aiichirou shot up in bed, hair sticking up wildly, phone falling from his face into his lap. "Ai-chan?" Nagisa's crackly voice could be heard somewhere far away from Aiichirou's mind. He looked around, bright light blazing in through the kitchen window. He sighed, falling right back onto his pillow and grabbing his phone.

"I may or may not have spent all last night unable to sleep thinking about Rin…" He mumbled, rubbing a hand over his eyes and through his greasy hair.

"Ai-chaaaan." Nagisa whined. "That's no good!" He scolded. Aiichirou hummed, still rubbing at his eyes.

"Was there something you needed to tell me…?" He asked, pushing his limbs out and stifling a squeak as he stretched. Nagisa made a small, affirmative noise.

"I wanted to ask if you were coming to Mako-chan's birthday party on Sunday!" Nagisa said. Aiichirou's arms and legs fell limp onto his mattress, bouncing a few times before lying still.

"Makoto-senpai's…birthday party?" He repeated slowly, eyes mapping the details in the ceiling above him.

"Didn't Rin-chan tell you…?" Nagisa asked, voice careful and worry evident. Aiichirou frowned lightly.

"No. He didn't…" He said. Nagisa was quiet for a few, painful, moments. It wasn't like him to leave silence in any conversation.

"Are you and Rin-chan fighting…?" He asked. Aiichirou sighed, curling up on his side.

"Maybe." He said. His chest felt tight and heavy. Nagisa was quiet again.

"What happened?" He asked. Aiichirou pouted.

"I'm not really sure, actually." He sighed, pushing the covers away from himself with his feet. He had the sneaking suspicion that Nagisa was  _actually_  trying to behave himself when he refrained from asking more about the situation.

"So…you're not coming to Makoto's party?" He asked. Aiichirou groaned, rolling onto his stomach and pressing his face into the sheets for a moment. He turned his head to the side, taking a deep breath.

"No I don't think so." He said. "Tell Makoto-senpai I'm sick…? I don't want to cause any drama for him."

"Ai-chan-"

"I'm really sorry." Aiichirou spoke over his friend. "I'm just. Really not in the mood to see Rin. A-And I really don't know Makoto-senpai all that well. You all are old friends, have fun without me, okay? Please?" He said. Nagisa huffed, but agreed.

Aiichirou laid on his futon for hours after he'd hung up with Nagisa. His phone buzzed occasionally, but never seemed loud enough to pull him away from the foggy nothingness clouding up his mind. It was as though he had so many things to think about that the only thing that didn't qualify as a problem was  _nothing_. And so he laid there, arms and legs outstretched, thinking of absolutely nothing.

He stretched his mouth open wide, sucking in a yawn. He wasn't entirely sure but he thought he fell asleep around 5AM. Aiichirou groaned, he felt so limp. He hadn't lied to Nagisa, in fact he'd been horribly honest. He thought it impressive how he could keep himself awake for so long with nothing but worry. Sadly, he couldn't even remember, or put into words, his own worries. He was just. Worried.

Aiichirou vaguely remembered the careful creaking of Michio tip-toeing around the apartment just as he began drifting off to sleep. He thought he remembered his uncle pulling the blankets around him and whispering a goodbye before the apartment was silent again and Aiichirou finally gave way to sleep. He worried at times that his uncle was too lenient, but most certainly was not going to complain. Aiichirou was quite thankful for being able to lie in bed until…he grabbed his phone, holding it above his face and unlocking the screen.

Five-thirty.

" _Shit_." Aiichirou swore as his phone, yet again, slipped through his fingers and fell on his face. But his expletive wasn't for the pain of his heavy smart phone dropping on his nose or even the late hour. What had caught his attention, and perhaps made him fingers lose their grip, was the five text messages from Rin. He'd assumed Nagisa was the one texting him, but as fate would have it, Nagisa hadn't sent him anything since their phone call several hours ago.

Aiichirou rolled himself into a sitting position, phone cradled in his lap.

_**5 NEW MESSAGES** _ _from_ _**RIN** _

_**RIN** _

_NOV 16_

_2:44 PM_

_ai? Hey, how's it going?_ _ƪ(`_ _´ƪ)_

_NOV 16_

_2:46 PM_

_nagisa said you're sick and can't make it to mako's b-day party_ _ƪ(`_ _´ƪ)_

_NOV 16_

_2:51 PM_

_oh maybe you're sleep. rest up._ _ƪ(`_ _´ƪ)_

_NOV 16_

_2:57 PM_

_hey_ _ƪ(`_ _´ƪ)_

_NOV 16_

_5:16 PM_

_text me when you wake up_ _ƪ(`_ _´ƪ)_

Aiichirou sighed, sending Rin a quick message to say he was up. He was actually impressed that Nagisa had lied successfully to the group, especially to Rin who could probably smell lies or something. Though the true lie detector of the group was Haruka-senpai, but knowing him, he wouldn't say anything because "it's too much trouble."

Aiichirou didn't bother to put his futon away that day. He wrapped a blanket around himself and shuffled over to the kitchenette, washing the dishes and preparing dinner (lunch?) for himself and Michio. There was hardly anything to work with, but Aiichirou managed some decent fried rice. He dusted the floor and did the laundry. Anything and everything to keep his thoughts from spinning and flying away.

Aiichirou exchanged small texts with Rin slowly throughout the day. It infuriated Aiichirou how much he loved seeing Rin's short, but caring text messages. He had no idea what was going on with Rin, or what to expect, and yet he still loved his boyfriend's company as if nothing were wrong at all.

Michio returned after stars dusted the dark sky and the rice had long since chilled in his tiny refrigerator. He insisted on playing monopoly all night despite being clearly exhausted. His uncle seemed to have energy hidden up the sleeves of his coat and Aiichirou was no match for it. Weary and defeated, he heated up their rice dinner while Michio set up the board on the futon and they got down to business.

Michio yelled about the school the entire game, pausing his ranting only to tell Aiichirou about the adorable little boy he saw at his work and the two cute women holding hands on the street or to whine about how much he wanted a cat (Aiichirou made a stubborn comment about dogs being better). They played well past midnight, right until Michio finally passed out around two in the morning. Aiichirou was no genius at monopoly but Michio had been near bankruptcy the entire second half of the game and he felt it safe to claim himself the winner of this game.

Aiichirou carefully cleaned up the game pieces and slid the box under the futon. Michio was curled up on the lower half of the bed, tangled in sheets and snoring lightly. Aiichirou smiled fondly. He supposed he could sleep in Michio's bed for the night, but the steady breathing of another human being was one of the more comforting things in this world and Aiichirou wasn't about to pass up the opportunity for some comfort.

He switched off the living room lamp light, a glimmer in the darkness catching his eye. Aiichirou grimaced as he picked up his phone that had fallen off the futon. More texts from Rin.

_**RIN** _

_NOV 16_

_10:09 PM_

_are you feeling any better?_ _ƪ(`_ _´ƪ)_

_NOV 16_

_11:23 PM_

_hey I'm going to bed. rest up._ _ƪ(`_ _´ƪ)_

Aiichirou locked his screen and crawled into bed, carefully avoiding Michio. In the dark, with nothing to do, it was impossible to ignore all the things he knew he needed to think about.

He felt awful for missing Makoto's birthday party, but delighted that he was invited at all. He was upset that Rin still wasn't telling him what was wrong, but (shamefully) took great joy in his boyfriend's worry for his health. He wanted to be back at school, but couldn't deny that he was enjoying the pressure free days he had been living.

The days began blurring together, all cooking, cleaning, reading (and playing games with Michio, of course). It was strangely satisfying to be able to cross books off his to-read list. He wasn't entirely sure how it was humanly possible, but he'd gotten through three hefty novels in just under five days.

It was just as he was crumpling up and throwing away a full page of crossed off book titles that the apartment phone began ringing crisp and shrill. Michio wasn't home, so Aiichirou rushed onto his feet, grabbing the phone off the wall and pressing it to his ear.

"Hello?" He asked.

" _Ai!_ " Michio all but screeched through the phone. Aiichirou grimaced, holding the phone several centimeters from his ear.

"M-Michio…?" He asked.

"Fukui-san just got back to me!" Michio said.

Aiichirou froze, joints still, heart still. He didn't know what to expect. It sounded good though, right? Michio was too happy for it to be bad news.

"A-And?" Aiichirou asked, realizing Michio was waiting for a response.

"You're going back to school next Monday!" He cheered. Aiichirou let out the breath he'd been holding in one big puff.

"…really?" He whispered, his knees shaking. He spun on his heal, his back hitting the wall and sliding down to the tiled kitchen floor.

"Yup!" Michio laughed, loud and warm. "I'm bringing home pizza tonight so don't make anything, okay?"

Aiichirou's eyes sparkled, a happy blush on his cheeks. "Pizza?" He repeated. God  _fucking_  bless.

"I know right." Michio laughed. "Be home in 15 kiddo, kay?"

"Yeah, see you then." Aiichirou nodded happily.

He had to twist up onto his knees to be able to reach high enough to put the phone back on the receiver. So, though he'd rather sit on the floor forever, he climbed up onto his feet, swayed there for a moment, then found his way to the futon. His shins hit the rickety bed frame, and he let himself fall face first onto his sheets.

He  _wasn't_  expelled.

Aiichirou sucked in a stale breath through the blankets his face was pressed into. This meant he would be living with Rin again. Aiichirou could physically feel the anxiety scratching at his skin, screaming in his ears. He curled up, rolling around the futon, a loud exasperated groan escaping his lips. Solving problems just to realize more problems, Aiichirou felt like he could sleep forever and he'd still be exhausted.

He didn't want to deal with this. He didn't want to deal with anything at all.

Rin was ecstatic when Aiichirou messaged him about it, grease smearing his response from the half eaten piece of pizza in his other hand. He blushed bright red when Rin messaged back asking if he wanted to go out Monday night. Michio had pestered Aiichirou at the sight of his (rather impressive) blushing, but Aiichirou was too frazzled to communicate.

With shakey, greasy, fingers, he accepted.

Aiichirou attended classes Monday, doing his best to ignore the prickly stares from his classmates who had probably celebrated when he hadn't shown up for over a week. The school promised him and his uncle a tighter bullying policy, Aiichirou hadn't asked what exactly the dialogue between Michio and the district had been, but the vague idea of it was enough to get him pretty angry.

Aiichirou had been suspended 'for his own safety'. Michio had ranted on and on to no one but himself about the importance of fixing the problem instead of punishing the victim. He yelled about the absurdity of a school catering to the abusers and nearly screamed when he recounted the director's "concerns". Aiichirou had distanced himself from the issue entirely, never truly realizing the depth of the situation and only hearing a few key sentences in Michio's exasperated retellings.

"You know what they said to me?" Michio seethed. "They said 'He should not be allowed to stay in the dorms while being biologically female.' Do you believe that bullshit?" He gasped as if he were so offended he couldn't even remember how to breathe (and he probably couldn't). Aiichirou hummed, not entirely listening.

"An entire school of boys! I told them, Ai, I said 'he should feel safe going to school with so many upstanding students, safety shouldn't be an issue!" Michio continued. "They even tried to blame that Yamada shit's injuries on you, and you know what I said to  _that_? I said 'If only Ai would defend himself like that! I'd be fucking proud!" Michio quickly back tracked, making sure Aiichirou knew he was proud of his nephew regardless of his non-violence. "But maybe they're right, maybe we should get you into some self-defense classes…"

Unfortunately Michio's anger was lost on Aiichirou, who just felt tired and sad about the whole thing more often than not. In the end, Michio had claimed sexual harassment and the school board had walked away with their tails tucked shamefully between their legs. His uncle was less than happy that he had to resort to legal threats, but he wasn't about to let them pull his nephew from the dorms permanently. He'd sooner die.

Aiichirou went through his day with a muddled idea of these conflicts that belonged to him but loomed over the entirety of society. He tapped his pencil over his lips, his eyes sliding to the window. He'd gotten too good at tuning out lectures, his teacher's voice nothing more than a tiny buzz in his ears.

He was pretty behind in his studies and though he was up to date on most assignments, his grades had slipped significantly. Michio was paying so much for him to attend school, fought so hard to keep him in school, and Aiichirou was still as apathetic as ever about his education. Michio could sing Aiichirou's praises with full lungs until his last breath and Aiichirou would still believe he deserved a better nephew.

The bell ripped through his thoughts and sent his heart into a panic. For a moment, all he could hear was the scrape of students scooting out of their chairs and the rustling of books and the roar of his pounding heart. His eyes dragged from the darkening sky outside the window to the flood of students squeezing through the classroom door.

Aiichirou yelped, nearly falling out of his chair as his phone buzzed against his ticklish hip. He took a deep breath, shaking his head, pulled his phone out. The deep breath was wasted as the text he read just sent him straight back into panicking.

_**RIN** _

_NOV 25_

_4:01 PM_

_Hey Ai, coming to practice?_ _ƪ(`_ _´ƪ)_

_**YOU** _

_NOV 25_

_4:02 PM_

_Yeah, I'll be there in a minute._

Aiichirou sighed, leaning back in his chair, pursing his lips. By now the class was empty, and the scrape of his chair seemed to ring in his ears. He threw his backpack over his shoulders and hesitantly made his way through the hallway, down the stairs, out the back doors, and onto the concrete trail to the pool building.

He nearly lost the heart to go to practice on his way there, his feet feeling heavy and muscles weak. He wasn't sure he could handle facing Rin, or the rest of the team. Other than Rin and Seijuro, Aiichirou was a rumor not a person. Everyone knew his face and filled his image with second hand stories and pretense. It wasn't like he could swim anyway, skipping practice wouldn't hurt anyone.

Upon using both hands pressed against the door and stumbling into the building, Aiichirou tripped over his own feet as the entire fucking team stood at the entrance yelling a warm 'welcome back!' that echoed through the spacious room. Rin and Seijurou stood in the front of the team, big grins on their faces.

"Good to have you back!" Seijurou said, clapping a heavy hand hard on Aiichirou's shoulder. Aiichirou stuttered through a small thank you. "Rin and I were worried you wouldn't show up for practice, we're really glad to see you." He squeezed Aiichirou's shoulder, taking a long glance at Rin. He sighed out his nose, nodded, and slid his hand off Aiichirou's shoulder. The team passed polite welcomes to Aiichirou as they followed their captain, preparing for practice, until it was just Rin and Aiichirou.

Rin wore a crooked smile, a dark look in his eyes that a stranger would mistake for a threat but Aiichirou knew was fear. Aiichirou's eyes fell to his feet, arms stuck to his sides. They both grimaced when they tried to speak at the same time.

"You still want to go out tonight?" Rin asked quickly before Aiichirou could talk over him with predictable babbling apologies. Aiichirou met Rin's eyes, fueled by curiosity.

"Yes! Of course." He answered. "Do… _you_  still want to go out tonight?" He asked. Rin glared.

"Stop doing that." He said. The petty anger on his face eased just a tiny weight of anxiety off Aiichirou. He smiled.

"Stop what?"

"Making it sound like I don't wanna do stuff with you." He said, squinting. Aiichirou couldn't quite ignore the voice screaming in his head  _but you don't want to do stuff with me that's the entire issue with us right now_. He let the thought ring through his head a moment, eyes slipping away from Rin to watch the swimmers lining up.

"Would you like me to time you…?" He asked gently, feeling a bit dazed, as if he were nursing a hit to the head.

And for that hour long practice things seemed normal. Aiichirou enjoyed his light hearted arguments with Rin and Seijurou's enthusiasm that boomed painfully against the tile floors. The smell of chlorine and splashing beat of hard working athlete's felt like home to Aiichirou. Everything was the way it should have been, for that hour.

Seijurou didn't say anything, but caught Aiichirou's eyes with an expressive, curious,  _warning_  glare before disappearing into the locker room with the rest of the team. Aiichirou assumed he didn't like getting in other people's business, but he had his ( _rather strong_ ) opinions and it seemed he didn't have a high opinion of Rin ( _most of the time_ ). Under normal circumstances, Aiichirou might have glared back, but right now, well, Seijurou's glare wasn't unjustified. Aiichirou sighed, organizing the strewn towels and stop watches while everyone else dried and changed, trying not to look at the pool. He  _really_  missed swimming.

The memories of meeting back up with Rin at the main gate and walking to the mall were hazed out by anxiety and abundant, conscious eating confusing. Aiichirou didn't remember what he was doing, or even where he was, until the mall was in sight. Perhaps he'd even forgotten he was with Rin as a thought fell free from his lips.

"What are we doing…?" He asked. Rin tsked.

"Were you listening at all?" He said. Aiichirou flushed, wringing his hands out.

"N-No, I suppose I wasn't." He said, voice small.

Rin didn't respond, just led Aiichirou to the back end of the mall where the theater was located. He pointed up at the show times. "Pick whatever you want." He said, shoving his hands into his jean pockets.

"Wha-really…?" He asked, eyes darting between the show times and Rin's dejected expression. Rin nodded.

"Sorry, guess I should have asked what you wanted to see before we got here…" He said.

Aiichirou hummed loudly, bouncing on his feet at he read through all the titles. Aiichirou thought the look of absolute panic on Rin's face when he picked the one and only horror film on the board was a thing of beauty, but it only lasted a split second. Aiichirou tried to change his mind, but Rin insisted "We're celebrating for you so we're seeing the movie you picked!"

Rin took his time getting popcorn and candy, all of which he planned to eat none of. Aiichirou was already settled in a seat in the back row, face tucked into his scarf when Rin fell hard into the seat next to Aiichirou. He both hated and adored the way Rin's body heat warmed him through the tiny spot where their shoulders were pressing together in what should have been a quick graze, but Rin wasn't moving. A tiny spark of hope flared in Aiichirou's chest.

The moment the hard bass line for the movie's suspenseful theme shook the theater, Rin was pressed as close as he could be to Aiichirou's side. Aiichirou was actually worried for a moment, his head swimming in confusion and  _delight_. Perhaps if he were a better man he would have walked Rin out of the theater right then and there, but after nearly two weeks of no touching, Aiichirou felt like he was indulging an old drug. Rin squeaked pathetically as a screamer came and went, throwing his arms around Aiichirou's bicep and holding on for dear life. Aiichirou believed he'd died and gone to heaven.

To his credit, Rin was rather confident through most of the movie. Only a tiny squeak here or there, and Aiichirou was beginning to revel in the particularly suspenseful scenes when Rin would hide his face in Aiichirou's shoulder. Aiichirou had just wanted to see a horror movie, but as luck would have it he hadn't watched even a second of the movie, too overjoyed to have physical contact with his boyfriend for the first time in what felt like decades.

Aiichirou came down from his cuddle induced high about a third of the way through the movie (that appeared to be a haunting type with body horror being the main gag). Aiichirou admired the brave face Rin was putting on, but somewhere deep inside, Aiichirou was beginning to remember the good person he was and last time he checked a good person wouldn't let their boyfriend sit through a movie that was obviously traumatizing him. It wasn't like Aiichirou didn't agree to this date to see a movie anyway, he came for Rin.

It was just passed half way through when Aiichirou sighed, clawing Rin off of him just to take his hand and pull him out of the movie theater. He didn't miss how Rin instantly relaxed upon seeing the light of day. When Aiichirou turned on his heel to face Rin, he saw a look of defiance quickly deflate into an apologetic frown. Rin's eyes slid around the floor as Aiichirou began guiding Rin out of the theater and down the mall and Aiichirou could feel little tremors in Rin's hand.

"S-Sorry, Ai…" He said. Aiichirou sighed, shaking his head.

"You should have told me you were scared!" He said, squeezing Rin's hand. Aiichirou regretted bringing attention their linked hands as Rin tugged his hand away. It was almost as if he could heart his heart breaking. Aiichirou pressed his lips together, determined not to react.

"I was  _not_  scared!" Rin growled. Aiichirou rolled his eyes.

"Of course you weren't." He mumbled, turning into the food court.

Aiichirou steered them over to an ice cream stand, slapping Rin's hand away when he started reaching for his wallet. He paid for both his and Rin's treats and they tucked themselves away in a corner. Rin looked a little less shaken, but a heavy atmosphere was pressing down on them now. Aiichirou knew there wouldn't be a better time to talk about this. It took a few false starts, but eventually Aiichirou found the courage to say what he'd been thinking for nearly two weeks.

"Why won't you let me touch you anymore?" He asked, watching the strands of Rin's red hair shift with the minute movement of his head. Rin glared. Long and hard and silent, Rin just glared. Aiichirou sighed, licking a dollop of ice cream from his cone. He let it melt in his mouth, not sure what direction to move this conversation.

"I'm trying really hard, Rin," Aiichirou said, soft and hurt and scared. "But it feels like you're so far away…I don't know what to do." He shook his head, eyes stuck on the boy just across the table, but who felt miles away. Untouchable, unreachable. Where was Rin? Where had he escaped to, and why wouldn't he tell Aiichirou where to find him?

Rin sat up just a little straighter, finally meeting Aiichirou's gaze. "We just can't do that stuff."

Aiichirou wasn't sure if he was angry or confused or panicked, maybe a combination of the three, but he most certainly wasn't happy. "And why not?" He asked, a gentle frown on his lips. Anger flared hot and bright in Rin's eyes, his shoulders going stiff.

"Can you  _not?"_  Rin spat, pointed teeth peeking out from curled lips. "It's no big deal. Stop being such a fucking  _girl_  about this…"

And that was the very last straw.

Aiichirou had nearly been kicked out of highschool  _twice_  in the last month. His binder had broken. He couldn't swim anymore. Absolutely everything made him anxious. He'd had a novel worth of insults and snide comments thrown at him for weeks and enough –chan's to fill a dictionary. His grades were pathetic and he wasn't even sure he cared anymore. All of those things he could go on forever and he'd never say a word about any of it, but the last thing Aiichirou could handle was Rin belittling his identity. Never in his life had Aiichirou been so infuriated with another living being.

Aiichirou nearly choked on his own breath as he tried to form a response. "My gender has nothing to do with it!" He snapped. He felt like everything was in slow motion, and yet still moving too fast.

"Actually it has  _everything_  to do with it!" Rin yelled, cowardly looking off to the side. As quickly as it had come, Aiichirou's anger flew away, replaced with buzzing, crushing panic.

"W-What…? Why-"

Shattering silence filled his ears, the chattering of other mall shoppers and echoing of a chorus of footsteps all left his mind. He wasn't even sure he heard Rin spoke, but the words rung in his head, through every crack and cranny in his mind, and they broke him.

" _Because you're not a real boy and everyone fucking knows it!_ "

Aiichirou hated Rin. He hated how Rin could look so beautiful while breaking his heart. He hated how unguarded he'd left himself with Rin. He hated how much he trusted Rin. Most of all, he hated the tears that rolled down his cheeks, unbidden by shame or fear, because that was what Rin had taught him was brave.

"As if you'd know anything about being a real boy!" He screamed, jumping up from the table, ice cream cone in hand. Aiichirou could hear apologies being yelled after him, a hand on his jacket sleeve. He couldn't breathe he was so angry.

Aiichirou spun on his heel, smashing his ice cream cone right on Rin's forehead.

"FUCK YOU." He screamed, cool tears rolling down his burning face. The food court seemed a bit quieter, and not just in his mind. People were staring, but Aiichirou was lost to it all. Rin grimaced, trying to keep the ice cream out of his eyes.

"A-Ai I'm s-"

Aiichirou couldn't even see straight, the wild pounding of his heart drowning out every idea of self-control. He pushed Rin, hands pressed flat over Rin's chest, hard enough to knock the boy back several steps.

"Don't you dare apologize to me!  _Fuck you_! Fuck you for letting me trust you! Fuck you for making me feel safe! Fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU MATSUOKA RIN!" Aiichirou screamed it all in the now silent food court, hands gripping and twisting around the fabric over his lurching stomach.

Aiichirou didn't wait for a response, didn't see the big tears pouring from Rin's eyes as he left, running on shaky legs to the mall entrance.

He was outright sobbing, snot and tears covering his blotchy face as he finally found the exit. It was freezing outside, already dark and street lamps lit, but his heart was burning and Aiichirou wondered if the wind might just blow him away. He shivered, rubbing his sleeves over his dirty face in a futile effort to clean himself up. After nearly five minutes of continuous panic-sobbing, he gave up, pulled out his phone and dialed Nagisa's number. The dial tone was muffled and the wind made it hard to hear and his heart and crying were out of control.

"Hello?" Rei answered. Aiichirou took a deep breath, jaw shaking. Had he dialed the wrong number…?

"R-Rei?" He asked, voice promptly devolving into another loud sob.

"Aiichirou-kun? Is that you?" Rei asked, loud and panicked. "Are you alright? What's wrong?"

"I-I'm sorry o-one-" Aiichirou hiccupped, breath hitching. "One second."

He held the phone away for a few moments, taking long, deep breathes. When he finally put the phone back to his ear he was still shaking and sniffling, but at least he could hear.

"R-Rei? I'm sorry I-I meant to call Nagisa…" He explained, using his sleeve to wipe at his dripping nose.

"That's quite alright. What's wrong?" Rei asked. Aiichirou shut his eyes tight. He wasn't sure he could explain, and had a horrible feeling that if he did he'd sound over dramatic. He sniffed loudly, desperately trying to hold onto the little bit of composure he had.

"I-just um-R-Rin just said s-some things-" He coughed. "I-I'm sorry I shouldn't have called."

"No, no. I'm glad you called." Rei reassured Aiichirou. "If you don't mind my asking…where are you?"

Aiichirou laughed dryly. "The mall." He sniffed. "Rin and I were…on a d-date."

"Ah, I see." Rei said softly.

"It was-" Aiichirou laughed, rubbing at his eyes. "It was bad Rei. I-I'm surprised mall security didn't arrest me." He hiccupped.

"What in the world happened?" Rei asked.

The retelling of the fight that had, truly, only lasted mere minutes took Aiichirou a half hour to get through, fighting sobs all the way through. Somewhere in the middle of it he shamefully asked Rei if he could spend one more night at his house. The thought of returning to his dorm had Aiichirou sobbing out of control to the point he was scaring away the birds nesting on the telephone wires and trees. He felt like scum for asking, but Rei was happy to help as always.

When Aiichirou got there, Rei had hot chocolate ready and a fluffy blanket was thrown around Aiichirou's shoulders. Rei sat him down in his room, placing a box of tissues on his table.

"Crying can be good for you," Rei said gently as he shut his bedroom door, placing a water bottle next to the tissue. "But make sure to take care of yourself when you're done." He said, gentle smile on his face. Aiichirou hiccupped with teary eyes, quickly grabbing several tissues and blowing his nose. Rei watched his friend for a moment, still standing near the door.

"Would you like a moment alone?" He asked hesitantly.

"No, please stay." Aiichirou said through tears, tugged at the blanket around him. "Thank you so much."

Rei nodded and settled down next to Aiichirou on the floor. He was quiet for a long time, eyes on his lap. Aiichirou blew his nose one last time before finally picking up the warm mug of hot chocolate and sipping at it.

"Rin said…he said." Aiichirou took a deep breath, finally calm enough to breathe evenly and he wasn't about to let that go. "That I'm not…a real boy, and everyone knows it. That's what…he said." Aiichirou sipped at his hot chocolate. When Rei didn't respond, he explained. "Which is true, I know, but…But we were talking about why he's been so distant." Aiicirou rubbed at his eyes. "It's so  _stupid_ , I just wanted to know why he's been so weird lately. He  _told me_  when we first started dating, h-he said he didn't mind." He ripped another tissue out of the box on the table, rubbing it over his eyes. "Was he lying, Rei…?"

Rei's face scrunched up, he looked heartbroken. "I don't know, Aiichirou-kun…" He whispered.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Aiichirou whispered, pressing more tissues to his eyes, shaking his head. "It wasn't my choice to be born this way…"

Rei would never be described as a touchy person, so when he wrapped an arm around Aiichirou and hugged him tight, Aiichirou forgot everything he'd been crying about. He sniffed, scared, but grateful.

"Rin-senpai is a  _moron_  for treating you like this." He said harshly. Aiichirou couldn't help the desperate laughter that bubbled in his chest. Rei sighed, rubbing his friend's back, his momentary frustration forgotten. "But after knowing him through Haruka-senpai's stories…It doesn't make what he said  _right_ , you have every right to never forgive him,  _but_ ," Rei spoke pointedly. "From what I've seen," He loosened his grip, letting Aiichirou go. "Rin lashes out most when he's most confused."

Aiichirou stared at Rei for a long time, unsure of what to say. Rei just smiled like always, a warm light in the cold dark. Aiichirou took another sip of his hot chocolate.

"What are you going to do?" Rei asked, voice gentle as ever.

"I don't know…I need to…think about it." Aiichirou said. "I'll probably have to talk to him again tomorrow…whatever I do."

"What do you want?" Rei asked.

Aiichirou sniffed, pressing his hands around his warm mug. "To be Happy. With Rin. For us both to be happy." He answered, watching his drink swish around in the mug.

"That's a beautiful desire." Rei said.

Nagisa was absolutely livid when Aiichirou finally told him what had happened. He even felt a little sorry for whatever Nagisa was going to do to Rin, but he'd be lying if he said he didn't want to see it.

Aiichirou did get one text from Rin that night, asking where he was. He didn't answer it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wOAH YEAH sorry for the late update. Figures I'd make you all wait a long time just for a painful update (or at least, it's suppose to be painful? I tried I dunno). Two chapters left my friends! Hold on tight cause it's all downhill from here (which is a double entendre considering on a graphic plot organizer the falling action and resolution are literally downhill. Do I mean things will keep getting worse? Do I mean resolution is coming? Ahahaha you just have to wait and find out...)
> 
> Do remember when having crying spells to drink water after, don't rub your eyes with fabric or your hands (use a tissue), and try to remember to breathe as evenly as possible! Crying should be cathartic, but that doesn't work if you dehydrate yourself or rub your eyes raw.
> 
> The "holiday" season has begun, you should all know what that means. Hee.
> 
> -FoxyGrampaGlasses


	11. And Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pilotfish do not lead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> X marks the mature content!

There was a very exact moment, a very precise event, that started the domino effect leading to the raging shit storm that was Rin's current situation. It had begun with such a small, insignificant thing.

" _Hey Matsuoka nice girlfriend! Are you lying to her or does she know she's your fag hag?"_

Rin had very nearly killed the punk who had the nerve to insult Ai like that, but his gentle tempered boyfriend, once again, held him back. The words were like the flick of a dainty finger on a light switch, turning off the dim, metaphorical bulb in Rin's brain.

Rin stopped fighting Ai, ripped his arm out of the boy's tight grip, and before he could follow, Rin was already up the stairs.

Rin recognized the worry long before he understood the thoughts behind it. He remembered the fear that he had once habitually smothered in anger. He knew the feelings, but their cause was a mystery. A tiny seed of panic was growing deep in his stomach. He was scared.

Fueled by desperation to escape old habits, Rin asked Ai to sleep in his bunk with him. It was silly, ridiculous even, how much he needed Ai. Rin shivered when Ai pressed his nose to his neck.  _Ah, that was it._ Rin curled up tight, lacing his fingers with Ai's, pressing them both over the panic seeded in his stomach.

He was  _afraid_  of losing Ai.

"Tell me what's bothering you…?" Ai had whispered.

"Nothing's wrong." Rin muttered.

And nothing was. He was fine. Everything would be fine.

* * *

Rin felt a heavy urge to pound his head against a wall when his panic returned the next morning.  _No_ , he glared at himself in the mirror,  _you already figured it out, stop being scared_.

Rin left the bathroom in a hurry before he could punch the mirror.

He was afraid of losing Ai, but that wasn't all of the issue, was it? It couldn't be if he was, yet again, nursing an upset stomach and a special kind of pressure in his chest and the way his back teeth ached from clamping his jaw shut and his forehead hurt from constantly glaring at anything and everything- Rin rubbed a hand over his face, in the middle of the cafeteria but deaf to all the hysteria of students on break. There was definitely more to think about, which just added one more tally to Rin's worry counter.

Despite all his frustrated fidgeting and the fact he hadn't listened to a single lesson all day, Rin was no closer to discovering the source of his worry than he was the day before. Now he was worried about something, worried about worrying, behind in his classes, and had an hour long swim practice before he could address any of these problems (and more likely than not spend hours in his own mind getting absolutely nowhere).

Even Mikoshiba had noticed. He quietly sent Ai on a run to the faculty office so he could pull Rin into the locker room to have a talk. Rin expected yelling and arguing, but his captain was surprisingly calm.

"What's up with you? And don't play dumb with me. That might work with Nitori but it won't work with me." He said, crossing his arms and frowning lightly. Rin glared back, but the fire in his eyes was out and he knew it. He sighed, pushing a hand through his wet, tangled hair.

"It's just- I- Ai is-" Rin shook his head, snapped his jaw shut and took a slow breath through bared teeth. "It's none of your business." He grumbled.

"My swimmers, my business." Mikoshiba said, eyes narrow. "Nitori is like family to me, don't forget that."

Rin curled his fingers into tight fists. God dammit, he'd tell Mikoshiba the problem if he  _fucking knew_  what it was.

"He's- _It's me alright!_ " He said, red hair sticking wildly about his face as he shook his head. "He's so-  _fucking_  – he's so  _nice!_ " Rin sighed loud and hard, pressing fingers to his eyes. "He's nice and I'm horrible!" He said. Mikoshiba raised an eyebrow.

"What makes you say that?" He asked. Rin shot his captain an exasperated look.

"What- you know what!" He said, but Mikoshiba gestured for him to continue. Rin groaned, desperately trying to piece his scattered thoughts together. He felt like a rubber band, stretched thin and ready to fly or rip in half, he wasn't sure which. "I mean, the shit that happened at the relay aside- I can't!" Rin threw his hands up. "I couldn't explain it even if I wanted to!" He yelled. And to his surprise, Mikoshiba grabbed his shoulder and said something actually profound.

"Don't fuck this up, Matsuoka." He said.

So maybe profound wasn't the right word, but it got Rin thinking, finally, in full sentences. He'd thought this would fix his confusion now that his feelings were starting to form words he could understand, but when Ai tried to hold his hand after practice, a familiar voice filled his head.

" _Hey Matsuoka nice girlfriend! Are you lying to her or does she know she's your fag hag?"_

Without being aware of it, every time Ai got close to him, Rin would deftly avoid making contact out of fear of hearing that taunting voice again. He only noticed the new reflex when he caught sight of a hurt look on Ai's face. Disconnected thoughts and events that had been floating around Rin's head fell into place like a ton of bricks, a distinct wall he hadn't meant to build standing sturdy between him and Ai.

He was locked away in a wall of problems he'd imagined, and in the dead of night as he listened to Ai's soft sleeping breathing, the bricks whispered their worries into his aching head.

Does it matter that you know Aiichirou's a boy if everyone else treats him like a girl? You know, Rin, if he really were a boy, a  _real_ boy, you'd get way more shit. I mean, not even Haru and Mako hold hands in public. You know why, because people would rip them to shreds. Oh and poor little Ai, he'd build some serious upper arm strength holding you back, wouldn't he? I mean, it's not really right to let people believe Aiichirou's a girl, is it? If he's a boy, he should put up with that extra abuse. Oh! But of course you wouldn't want to hurt him. So let them think he's a girl! Who cares! Oh that's right,  _you_  care. So will you protect him? Or validate his identity? Considering how much you've been avoiding him, you've already made your choice, haven't you?

* * *

Everything was made out of brick. The streets, the houses, even the sky.

He didn't remember it, but he felt like he'd been walking for a long time. Like he'd been here for more days than he knew how to count. And yet he kept walking, brick by brick.

Something hurt, inside. His heart? Oh, he'd been searching. For something.  _Water_. There was no water, he was looking for it. No, no, there had never been any water. He wasn't even sure what water was. He'd never seen any.

Rei, of all people, was there. In front of him. But he wasn't wearing his glasses. He threw them at Rin. Rin caught them, confused. "Rei?" his voice sounded far away.

"Pilot fish do not lead." Rei said, his voice out of sync with his lips.

Rin looked at the glasses in his hands, then back up at Rei. He was angry. "What?" He yelled. "I don't understand!"

"Put them on." Rei yelled back, the bricks rumbling around them. Rin whimpered, sliding the glasses onto his face-

Rei disappeared. Rin could taste water in his mouth, feel it swishing around him. His hair floated, tickling his ears. A few bubbles brushed passed his cheek.

Ai was there with him, the bricks under his feet broken. They all rumbled again, pushing up and down against each other, a sudden current sweeping past them, but Ai did not falter.

"It's scary." He said, holding his hand out. "You see it right?"

Rin grabbed the glasses by the arms, holding them in place. Did he see what? He looked around. No he didn't see anything, Rei's glasses made everything fuzzy and too close. The current picked up again, the deafening rush of water in his ears.

"What? What am I supposed to see?" He yelled.

"Do you see it?" Ai asked.

"What is it?" Rin yelled. The current was going to sweep him away before Ai gave him a real answer. He couldn't let that happen. He couldn't lose Ai.

"I am not allowed here." Ai finally spoke, his gentle voice right in Rin's ear despite the raging currents around them both. "Why am I not allowed here?"

"You are allowed, Ai!" Rin screamed.

The water went still.

Ai pushed off the ground, floating through the water, pressing a kiss on Rin's lips.

"Pilot fish do not lead." He whispered. "Do you see it?"

* * *

Rin woke slowly, disoriented, unsure of what he'd just dreamt. Aiichirou's hand was curled loosely around his own. Rin snapped to attention, pulling his hand away and rolling over to face the wall, his heart pounding. He hadn't expected to wake up to Ai's face, and subsequently, his worry. He bitterly told Ai to go back to bed, infinitely relieved when Ai actually listened and left him alone.

He didn't remember the dream until much later that night, after Ai told him he wouldn't be coming back to the dorm that night. He'd stretched out on his bunk, angry at more things than he could keep track of.

Things were shitty enough for Ai without the school kicking him out. Rin's time had grown. He couldn't stop worrying and, in a desperate fit to escape these worries, he remembered the odd dream he'd had the night before.

The details were a bit fuzzy. He remembered a world made entirely of bricks. Rei was in it, and so was Ai. He remembered Rei throwing his glasses at him. He remembered putting on the glasses, water filling his mouth. And Aiichirou, he kept saying something, what was it?

" _Do you see it?"_

Rin rubbed at his eyes.  _No_ , he did not fucking see 'it', and from what he remembered, Rei's glasses hadn't exactly helped.

 _Oh_.

That was it. Rin had this time. He understood. He didn't fucking see.  _That_  was what Ai wanted him to see.

* * *

"We just can't do that stuff."  _ **I want to but I'm afraid.**_

"And why not?"

"Can you not?"  _ **No, no, stop.**_  "It's no big deal. Stop being such a fucking  _girl_  about this…"  _ **What am I even saying someone**_ **stop me.**

"My gender has nothing to do with it!"

"Actually it has everything to do with it!"  _ **It shouldn't but it does I'm so sorry.**_

"W-What…? Why-"

" _ **Because you're not a real boy and everyone fucking knows it!"**_

No no that wasn't what he meant at all. Rin couldn't lose Ai,  _no_. He tried to apologize, greeted with an ice cream cone to his head. He tried. He tried to stop him.

Ai left him in the food court, ice cream and tears dripping from his chin. He was a mess and he had no one to blame but himself. He almost ran after Ai, tripping over his own feet and falling to the dirty mall floor, he took it as a sign. Anyone who dared to approach him got a glare that could kill, sharp teeth gleaming threateningly.

The bricks around him had crumbled to pieces and in the chaos Rin had spit his broken thoughts out like bloody teeth in the wreckage. Spit them right at Aiichirou, the boy he wanted to protect most. He'd ruined everything.

He'd lost Ai and it was his own fault.

* * *

Rin didn't see Aiichirou that night. Worried sick, he sent a single text asking Ai where he had gone. His boyfriend never replied, but he did get a call from Nagisa. Woken in the middle of the night by his phone, Rin barely stuttered out a hello before Nagisa was speaking.

"You  _little_  bitch." Nagisa spoke quietly. Rin didn't think he'd ever heard or seen Nagisa angry, and he could tell he'd never want to see it again.

"N-Nagisa…?" He asked, sitting up in his bed. What time was it? Nagisa took a loud breath before continuing.

"I am not-" He took another breath. "going to yell at you." He said, though it sounded like he was talking to himself, not Rin. "But I am only giving you one chance to explain your sorry ass."

"Did…did Ai tell you?" Rin asked, throwing his blanket aside. It was dark, but the clock on Ai's desk shined brightly. It was well past midnight.

"Yeah, he did.  _God I'm so angry_  I'm not sure I can even sleep. You done  _fucked up,_  Rin." Nagisa seethed. Rin flinched, suddenly worried. For such a small boy, Nagisa was capable of very big, very scary, things. "You're skipping swim practice tomorrow, you got that?" He said.

"Fuck no." Rin responded on reflex, instantly regretting the impulse.

"Now you listen here, you little  _shit_." Nagisa said, voice tight and controlled. "Aiichirou's spent the entire night sobbing because  _you_  couldn't keep it together. This isn't like what happened with Haru, you never  _insulted_  him." He said, some of his anger calming. "So you're skipping practice tomorrow, and telling me what in the  _fuck_  is up with you." Nagisa sighed, an awkward beat of silence passing. "Look, you probably don't understand, but I do. I know what it's like. How hard it is to be even a little bit girly. I  _know_. And-  _hah_ -I always thought I had it rough, but hey, at least I have a penis right?" Nagisa bit back more nervous laughter, his voice soft and fragile. "Ai-chan's my friend, but he's not-" Nagisa's voice trembled. "He's not the only one I'm worried about, okay?"

Rin let go of a breath he hadn't realized he was holding, his chest collapsing painfully. "Nagisa…" He whispered, pointed teeth tugging on his bottom lip. He gasped a shaky breath. "Yeah. Yeah okay."

Rin and Nagisa said their goodbyes, but neither of them expected to get any sleep.

* * *

Nagisa and Rin met a Starbucks near the Samezuka campus in their uniform tracksuits, ditching practice. Nagisa, to Rin's surprise, got a cup of black tea, while Rin ordered a sugary caramel macchiato with extra whip cream 'cause that's just how shitty he felt today. Nagisa seemed to be in a kinder mood today and resisted commenting on Rin's choice of drink.

They found a table away from the sun, idly sipping at their drinks for several minutes.

"So?" Nagisa asked, primly dunking his tea bag one last time before throwing it in the trash behind him. Rin bristled, fighting the urge in every cell of his body to yell and scream. Nagisa took a sip of his tea, crossing his ankles under the table. Rin took a deep breath. Nagisa was being so patient with him, he had to pull himself together.

"I don't…know where to start." He said, tipping his head forward just enough for his hair to shade his face. Nagisa sighed, looking off to the side for a moment. Rin winced. No that wasn't good enough.  _Try harder Matsuoka_. Rin gulped. "I-I mean. I think. It started with…something this shitty third year said." Rin let out a quiet breath.  _Yes, good. Keep going._  Nagisa nodded, encouraging him. Rin could feel his cheeks heating up, and he couldn't blame it on the cold now that they'd been sitting in the warm café for nearly 15 minutes.

"They just, you know, saw us holding hands and insulted us." Rin grimaced. "That…isn't totally uncommon." He shrugged. "And what they said didn't even bother me, I mean, aside from it being rude as  _fuck_." He flinched when he gripped his cup too hard, a drop of hot coffee splattering over his hand. He rubbed his lips together for a moment, carefully rebuilding his composure.

"Something about it must have bothered you." Nagisa offered gently. Rin nodded, eyes firmly on the table.

"I guess I…started thinking about. What it would be like if Aiichirou was…a  _real_  guy." Rin shook his head. "I-I mean he  _is_  a real guy but like-"

"Cisgender male." Nagisa said, a pointed look on his face. Rin, mouth still hanging open, nodded.

"Cisgender male…" He repeated, as if he was speaking a foreign word (and in truth, he was). "If he was like that, things would be a lot different." Rin frowned, shoulders falling. "Ai's been on hormones for a  _year_  now, but he's not…I don't think he realizes he's still  _not passing_." Rin said. He grimaced, he felt sick saying this out loud. It was no wonder he refused to let the thought solidify, it hurt like a bitch to acknowledge it. Nagisa didn't look any happier, nodding sullenly.

"I think I…I was stuck between giving Ai the most realistic male experience and…keeping him safe." Rin's voice quivered and he could feel tears clinging to his eyelashes. He took a shaky breath. "He asked me what was wrong and I-he told you what I said right?" Rin coughed, trying to fight his tears but just hastened their fall. "Fuck, I-I didn't mean any of it-I mean I did just-not like that-  _Oh god_ , Nagisa, I  _fucked up_." Rin squeezed his eyes shut, big tears rolling down his rosy cheeks. Nagisa was quiet, completely lost. Rin pressed a fist to his eyes, hiccupping pathetically.

"I was so scared of losing him, Nagisa. I was so scared, I made sure it happened." He sobbed.

Rin was crying so hard he hadn't heard Nagisa get up, or his return with a box of tissues. He shoved the box into Rin's lap, instructing him sternly to use them. Rin was flushed, too embarrassed to argue. He grabbed a few tissues, blowing his nose.

"Rin-chan, why didn't you tell Ai-chan any of this?" Nagisa asked, cold hands around his warm cup of tea. Rin coughed into his dirty tissue, shuddering.

"I-I don't know!" He growled. "I was…I was afraid-" He laughed bitterly. "he'd take it the wrong way or something. I-I thought it wasn't a real problem. I told myself I was worried over nothing." Rin groaned, head falling in his hands. Nagisa sighed, reaching over the table and squeezing Rin's shoulder.

"He'd probably forgive you." Nagisa said, voice low and gentle. Rin lifted his head, just enough to look at Nagisa.

"But he shouldn't." Rin said. Nagisa pouted, unimpressed, slapped Rin's shoulder before leaning back in his chair with his tea.

"Don't  _even_." Nagisa drawled, drawing Rin's attention. "You're saying that Ai-chan, who loves you more than anything in the world, would be happier thinking you're nothing more than a fuck up, never forgive you, and move on with his life?" He asked, eyes sliding over to the window as he took a sip of his tea. Rin opened his mouth to reply, but Nagisa held up his hand. "No, Rin-chan. I'm sorry but that's not how things work. Aiichirou  _loves_  you, he wants to  _help_  you." He said, turning his eyes back to Rin. "You're not a bad person, and he knows that. It's probably the most terrifying thing you could do, but you just need to  _work with us_." Nagisa said, a pleading tone in his voice, eyes big and bright. Rin faltered, lips parted, eyes still glistening with smeared tears.

"But I'm-Nagisa I'm not getting any better-" He tried to argue. Nagisa slammed a tiny fist on the table, nearly knocking over both of their drinks.

"Bullshit!" He yelled, loud enough for several dirty looks to be thrown their way. Nagisa did  _not_  apologize. "We can all see it, you've come a long way! Mako was so proud of you! We all are!" Nagisa said, exasperated. Rin flinched.

"Yeah I mean, I was too, but obviously-"

" _Obviously_ ," Nagisa interrupted. "You're going to strap on your big boy panties and  _march_  right up to Aiichirou and tell him you  _fucked up_  and you're  _sorry_  and you want to  _work with him_  so it doesn't  _happen again_!" He said, jaw stiff and voice sharp. Rin sniffed, flinched back from Nagisa. His eyes swept the café. His heart was pounding and his head and throat ached and he thought he might throw up, but something felt calmer. Something inside him felt fixed.

Rin nodded. "Yeah. I…I will." He said.

* * *

Nagisa spread the word not to give Rin too much of a hard time for what happened, though nothing could soften the blow of Mama Mako's  _I'm not angry, just disappointed_  look. Rin figured Mako didn't even know he was doing, which just made it worse, probably. Haru seemed more worried for Rin than Ai, but didn't say much on the matter and probably wouldn't if Rin didn't bring it up with him (and he didn't). Rei seemed uncomfortable, like he wanted to give Rin a piece of his mind, but Nagisa had beaten him to it and thought it impolite to beat an injured man. Mikoshiba made his anger over the situation known in a highly passive aggressive kind of way, which Rin was fine with.

Rin planned to apologize right when Ai came back to the dorm that night. He tidied up the room, set up a movie he knew Ai loved on his laptop, even rushed to the convenience store to get some chocolate as a peace offering. He paced around the dorm room for hours, heart thudding against his chest.

Ai never came to the dorm that night and Rin didn't sleep.

The second day, Rin cornered Ai at lunch. He didn't want to make a scene, if Ai was avoiding him that was all well and good, but he couldn't take another sleepless night worrying where his boyfriend (were they still boyfriends…?) was. He needed to know Ai was safe.

And as it turned out, Ai was staying with his uncle.

Ai stirred his ramen, eyes off to the side. "I was thinking…" He said, shoulders hunched. "I might switch rooms." He said. Rin shut his eyes, letting the wave of nauseous fear roll through him for a moment. As it passed, he opened his eyes, only to find Ai had left.

Rin pounded his fist against the table, jumping up and storming out of the cafeteria.

* * *

Ai did like he said he would and switched rooms. Rin didn't see him for two weeks. Somehow he'd cleared out his things while Rin was out. Mikoshiba made no mention of his absence until after practice in mid-December. Snow could be seen drifting down from the sky through the all glass windows lining the pool building, and it was oddly comforting to watch the falling crystals from inside the heated pool room. Rin absently wondered if Ai was keeping warm alright.

Mikoshiba slapped a heavy hand down on Rin's shoulder, scaring the crap out of him.

"The  _fuck_ , Mikoshiba?" He yelled, voice reverberating off the tile floor. He calmed down when he saw the serious look on his captain's face, Mikoshiba's hand slid away. They turned to look out the windows, quietly watching the snow.

"I just thought you might like to know that Nitori's staying with me now." He said. Rin frowned.

"And why would I want to know that?" He asked, ripping the goggles off his head. Mikoshiba side glanced him, sighed, crossed his arms.

"So you can  _apologize_." He said. Rin stumbled a bit, eyes wide.

"W-What?" He asked, shook his head. " _I mean_ , I thought he was avoiding me. Someone who's avoiding me wouldn't  _want_  an apology…right?" Rin said, a sour taste in his mouth. He hadn't realized it, but maybe he'd given up on working things out a long time ago. Mikoshiba shook his head.

"Like  _usual_ , you're confused." He said, ignoring Rin's glare. "Nitori's avoiding you 'cause he's scared. He isn't sure how to interpret your behavior. He wants to help you, but he doesn't want to do it if all he gets out of it is more abuse." Mikoshiba returned Rin's glare. "Understand?"

Rin's lips parted, a retort ready and all too quickly forgotten. He furrowed his brows, eyes falling to the floor. Mikoshiba relaxed, shaking his head as he walked towards the locker room.

"I only say this because I know he'd be thrilled to hear your side of the story, but," He said, stopping at the locker room door. "If you can't get him to talk to you, maybe you should enlist some help?"

Mikoshiba left that thought hanging in the air, the locker room door slamming shut behind him.

Rin felt disgusted with himself. Enlist some help? Was that really okay? Wouldn't it be crossing some kind of boundary, to invade Ai's space like that? Wouldn't it damage the near non-existent trust left between them? Rin couldn't help it, he let out a frustrated yell, fisting his hair in one hand.

If that was Mikoshiba's way of giving him permission, then Rin had no choice but to follow his captain's lead, right?

* * *

Christmas and New Year's were quickly approaching. Rin had felt scummy about it, but Nagisa had joyously agreed to help him and Ai get back together before the holiday break. And that was the exact reason he was standing in the freezing cold, under the golden glow of the white strung up lights in the bare tree branches. This was a  _stupid_ idea, but the only one he had, and Nagisa had all but squealed when Rin explained it to him.

He huffed, holding his phone up. There was no doubt, this was it. The place they'd had their first kiss.

Light snow was still falling, dusting Rin's hair and sticking in the corners of the concrete and trees. The Christmas lights made what little snow had gathered glitter gold, putting a dreamy sparkle on what was already a beautiful scene. Rin was shaking, and he knew it wasn't from the cold. This was his only chance.

He nearly peed his pants when he heard Nagisa's familiar, shrill giggle. His knees locked and his breath shuddered out of his constricting lungs. He hadn't seen Aiichirou in three weeks. He wasn't ready. There was no way this could work, there was no way-

"R-Rin…?" Ai gasped, looking around, lost. Nagisa had expertly 'disappeared' on him, it seemed. Rin did his best to still his shaking jaw.

"Ai." He nodded, turning to face the younger boy. Ai pressed his cold lips together, eyes rolling up to the lights in the trees. Realization flooded his eyes, his cheeks turning a bright pink. He looked at the ground.

"S-Sorry, um-nice to see you-See you later?" He said, taking a nervous step backwards, but he didn't leave. Rin's confidence flourished. He stepped forward, grabbing Ai's hand.

"Aiichirou." He said, but Ai wouldn't look up. He was shaking, his knees pressed awkwardly together. God, he looked so cute in those wool tights (a different pair from their first date) and heavy boots, a thick coat too big to actually keep him warm. Rin would have let him go, would have forgotten the whole thing, if Ai hadn't curled his cold fingers around Rin's hand. "Ai look at me." He said, voice shaking.

Aiichirou breathed out, the warm cloud of exhale blinding them both for a moment, and as it evaporated, Ai's shining blue eyes were on Rin's. He faltered, gritting his teeth, sucking in a nervous breath.

"Ai," He shook his head, a broken laugh leaving him. "I've," He gulped. "been thinking about what I'd say if you ever…talked to me again." His heart was beating too hard. "I-" He laughed, sniffing.  _Ah shit fuck no don't cry_. "I fucking practiced it, like, in the mirror and shit." He shook his head, lips trembling. "Oh god." He coughed. "I forgot it all." He said, using all his courage to keep his eyes on Aiichirou.

"Ai, I didn't mean any of those things-"

The tips of Ai's fingers pressed to Rin's lips, stopping him mid-sentence. His eyes glistened, tears brimming. He stood there, fingers trembling.

"What  _did_  you mean…?" He asked, voice small and broken. His hand dropped. Rin stared, mouth dry, world spinning. He knew he didn't have to be brave here. He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, slowly found Aiichirou's gaze once more.

"I realized," He let out a puff of nervous laughter. "Two guys…would get a lot more shit for holding hands on the street than we did. I realized you weren't…passing." He said. They both cringed, but Aiichirou nodded.

"You're right." Rin said. "I don't know anything about being a real man, but you're the best teacher I've ever had, Ai." He gulped, snapped his teeth together, on the verge of crying, yet again. Rin sniffed loudly, ragged breathes ripping at his cold bitten throat. He rubbed at his eyes. "We're going to keep fighting. I  _know_ we are. It's my fault, that's just how I am, but I'm-"

Ai smiled, warm and bright, putting all the lights to shame. "You've gotten a lot better." He said.

Rin's lip quivered for a moment, he swore he'd hold in in. He did. Despite all his inner swearing, tears started falling. He was such a  _piece of shit_ , this was about Ai and he couldn't even hold it together long enough to-

Aiichirou lunged, wrapping his arms around Rin's neck and pulling him down into a bone crushing hug. Uneven breathes and hot tears slid over Rin's flushed cheeks. He swung his arms around Ai's waist.

They were crying hysterically, holding on like they planned to never let go.

"I don't care if you deserve it or not," Ai said between sobs. "I forgive you."

Rin doesn't understand how he could ever be so lucky, what god he'd sold his soul to on a day he didn't remember, or what drug he'd taken to feel this high. He'd never understand why Ai so readily forgave him.

Aiichirou pulled back just enough to smash his lips into Rin's, a desperate, quick kiss.

* * *

Rin made it a point for them to walk back to the dorms hand in hand. Aiichirou could feel his boyfriend's pulse through his fingertips, devilishly delighted by its warm and quick thumping. There was still a lot to talk about, and without acknowledging that fact, they took the long way back. Aiichirou laced their fingers together, eyes on Rin's boots.

"You have to learn to talk to people." He said softly. He could feel Rin go rigid against his side.

"I know…" Rin whispered, eyes dark. Aiichirou squeezed his hand.

"You have so many great friends." He said, a question forming on his tongue. "You're comfortable with Haruka-senpai, why didn't you talk to him…?" Aiichirou quickly apologized. "I'm not trying to pry, I just think this is something we should talk about…"

Rin nodded, lips drawn down in a soft frown. "Yeah. I didn't talk to anyone 'cause…I was really scared." Rin was brave, but he couldn't look at Aiichirou. "Before we started dating…I told Haru and Mako everything I was thinking…about you." He flushed, frown deepening. "H-Haru asked if I could handle coping with you being trans…I told him I wasn't sure, but I wanted to try." Rin mustered his courage, lifting his eyes to Aiichirou's. "Because you're worth it."

Aiichirou's wide eyes sparkled as his smiled, his giggles like twinkling Christmas bells (the cute kind, not the annoying kind.) Rin couldn't help but smile back.

"I'm used to…spewing my thoughts at you. And when I can't do that sometimes I go to Haru and Mako but, I was pretty ashamed. I felt like I was letting everyone down…" Rin winced, shaking his head. He was making excuses, which was the exact opposite of what he wanted to do. Ai just nodded his head.

"I understand." He said, his voice soft but then he spoke in a firm tone. "That doesn't change that you have to learn to talk to people!" Aiichirou caught Rin's gaze, an authoritative look on his face. "Even if you can't talk to me, you can't let these things fester." He said, pouting. Rin looked at the passing traffic, then back to Aiichirou. He nodded.

"I'll try, Ai. I'll keep trying.  _I promise_. I might not make huge progress but-" He stumbled, searching his mind carefully for the right words. "I want to always be better than the day before, I promise!" He said, a determined glare on his face, fire in his eyes.

Aiichirou's smile was calm and his grip on Rin's hand was perfectly snug.

"That's all I ask."

* * *

Aiichirou didn't return to Rin's dorm, not officially, but if he took up residence there five out of seven nights of the week, well no one mentioned that. They'd both decided time away from each other was a good idea, though Aiichirou worried about Rin's nightmares and decided to stay with him more often than not.

Nagisa wanted to throw a party to celebrate the repair of their relationship, but both Aiichirou and Rin had flushed and vehemently declined. It seemed to be mutually understood by everyone invited to the "Christmas Party" Nagisa was throwing that it was indeed for Rin and Aiichirou.

The last week of school before break was upon them. Aiichirou and Rin were horribly behind, having neglected their schoolwork for personal (albeit understandable) reasons. Study sessions ran late those nights, with Rin and Aiichirou falling asleep on top of each other just about every time. After the third day of waking up tangled in each other, they no longer thought anything of it. Not even when Aiichirou found Rin's hand cupping his breast or a knee in his no-no zones. It wasn't something he  _liked_ , but he trusted Rin.

The school predictably does nothing to uphold their promise for a safer learning environment when Aiichirou finds his notebooks ripped to shreds. He didn't actually mind all that much considering the semester would be over in a few days, and if they hadn't been ripped apart he would have kept them until the day he died. Rin, however, was pissed as hell.

Aiichirou watched Rin storming around the dorm, Rin's sheets wrapped around him and a hot mug of tea in his hands. Rin had begun to channel his anger into more productive outlets, like cleaning, but Aiichirou worried for what he'd do when he ran out of things to clean.

Aiichirou hummed, sipping his tea and cocking his head to the side, an idea coming to him.

"Rin?" He asked, jumping when those fiery eyes glared at him. "C-Could you sit here for a second?" He asked, pointing to the floor just in front of him. Rin's shoulders relaxed a bit. He huffed, shrugging and falling into the spot. Aiichirou motioned for him to turn around so his back pressed to the frame of the bed.

"Ai, what are you doing?" He asked. Aiichirou merely hummed in response, scooting forward and setting his tea gently on the floor.

"Just," He said, stretching his fingers out and dipping them into Rin's hair. "Experimenting." He said, pursing his lips curiously.

Rin was quiet as Aiichirou ran his fingers through his hair. Aiichirou's blunt fingernails raked lightly at his boyfriend's scalp, twisting his hair to one side, and then the other. Rin all but melted, pressing his head up into Aiichirou's touch like an attention starved cat. Aiichriou giggled, satisfied with the results a little playing with Rin's hair had produced.

"It's not a perfect arrangement, but the school is allowing me to stay here. That's a victory in its own way. Baby steps." He said as he played with Rin's hair.

Rin hummed. "They're still bastards."

Aiichirou laughed. "Yeah, probably."

"Did Mikoshiba tell you about the mini cultural festival?" Rin asked. Aiichirou glared at nothing, searching his memory.

"Mm, I think he said the school was holding an extra festival, only for the sports and clubs, but he didn't mention what we'd be doing. He seemed a little distracted." Aiichirou said. Rin shifted, getting more comfortable on floor.

"Ah, well I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise for him." He laughed. Aiichirou bristled.

That couldn't be good, whatever it was.

* * *

And good it was not (necessarily).

"C-C-Can we really do that…?" Aiichirou stammered to Mikoshiba, watching the boy direct the busy swimmers getting ready for the festival.

"Hell yeah we can and even if we weren't allowed, I'd still make it mandatory." Mikoshiba grinned. "The boys already agreed to it a while ago."

Aiichirou heard a few nervous chuckles from around the classroom. He frowned. "You threatened them, didn't you." It wasn't a question. Mikoshiba shrugged.

"They agreed to it before I threatened them, so it doesn't exactly count, does it?" He said, a hearty laughter booming from his chest.

The next day, the day before break, the swim team suited up in their maid dresses, stacks of LGBT flyers in hand. Their club room had been decorated in pride flags and numerous posters that listed crisis lines for nearly twenty illnesses and queer minorities.

Aiichirou wasn't surprised that most people avoided their station, nodding politely but nervously as they passed by. A few people actually came into the club room, taking a flyer and a cookie from Mikoshiba ("My mom made them!" He'd bragged).

"Say, Mikoshiba-san," A first year asked. "Why haven't we ever met your mom?" He asked, snapping a wrinkle out of his tights. Mikoshiba blinked, apparently taken aback by the question.

"Ah, they're very busy." He said, a grin spreading across his face.

"You mean,  _she's_  busy?" One boy asked. Mikoshiba shook his head. The swimmers stopped dead in their tracks, looking at each other.

"You…have two moms?" A first year asked. Mikoshiba laughed, nodding. "W-Why didn't you ever tell us?" He asked. Mikoshiba shrugged.

"Do you go around telling your friends, 'oh man yeah, I just wanted you to know I have a mom and dad." Mikoshiba asked. The boys blushed, looking at their feet. "Hey now." He waved his hand dismissively. "Don't be like that! We won't attract anyone if you all look depressed!" He said, eyes bright and smile sparkling. Aiichirou laughed, standing near the door of the club room. They were making progress, at the very least.

In the commotion, Aiichirou had almost missed the tiny, nervous tug on his sleeve. He turned to find a tall third year looking around nervously, thick glasses slipping down his nose. Aiichirou relaxed, this poor kid was shaking. He smiled, trying to look friendly.

"Hello! My name is Nitori Aiichirou." He greeted cheerfully. The boy nodded, his lips trembling around a reply that never came. Aiichirou glanced around, making a quick decision. "Would you…like to talk in the back?" He asked, pointing at the partition behind which were stacks of extra flyers and cleaning supplies for later. The boy shuffled his feet, biting his lip, he nodded.

Aiichirou told Rin he'd be a few minutes, leading the third year back behind the partition. Aiichirou unfolded two chairs and they took a seat.

It was obvious this boy was beyond nervous, but what he had to say caught Aiichirou more off guard than he'd ever been. The boy lifted his teary eyes, staring at Aiichirou with determination.

"There are a lot of rumors around school." He said. "So I have to be sure….is it true, that you're trans?" He asked. Aiichirou blinked, blushing involuntarily. He nodded.

"That's true." He said. The boy's shoulders relaxed, his eyes darting around.

"Could I- I'm so sorry, Can I ask you something personal?" He asked. Aiichirou nodded, unsure of what to expect. "When…did you know?" He asked, desperation in his voice. Aiichirou crossed his arms. He didn't really know how to answer that off the top of his head. He hummed.

"Ah, I've known pretty much my whole life…" Aiichirou saw the desperation growing in the boy's eyes, so he continued. "I always knew I was a boy, but everyone made it clear that they thought that was wrong. I tried living as a girl for a little while to please my parents, and to…avoid their punishments. But I was miserable." He shook his head.

The boy was quiet for a long time, long hair in his eyes. He took a few breathes before speaking.

"I think…I'm a girl." He said with teary eyes.

Aiichirou sucked in a sharp breath, and without thinking, took her hand. She hiccupped, rubbed at her eyes.

"Thank you so much Aiichirou-kun." She said, choking back sobs. "I would have never realized if it weren't for you."

Aiichirou looked around frantically, finding a tissue box. He pulled out several tissues and pressed them into her hands. He didn't know what to say, he'd never met another trans person. He smiled nervously.

"…You're very welcome." He said.

"I-I don't think I can come out." She sniffed, but her smile was sincere. "But because of you, I think I can be okay with myself. I know I'm not wrong and I'm not the only one."

Aiichirou stayed behind the patrician with her for most of the festival, until she could breathe evenly and stand.

When he walked her back to the classroom door, he gestured for her to wait a moment. He ran back, rummaging around for a piece of paper and pen. He came back, flyer in hand with his number scrawled on the back.

"Call if you ever need anything." He said. She smiled, like this was the first kindness she'd ever known. It very well could have been.

"I will. Thank you so much." She said, nodding, and disappearing into the crowd.

Rin asked him later why Aiichirou had given away his number like that. He told his nosey boyfriend it was nothing to worry about.

Rin just shrugged, pressing a light kiss to his temple.

* * *

 

 

X

December 24th was the first day of break. Aiichirou had insisted Rin spend it with his mother and sister, but Michio had caught part of their conversation and stole the phone from his nephew, making plans for him.

Rin arrived around five, a duffle bag slung over his shoulder. Michio had been thrilled to finally meet his nephew's boyfriend, but oddly only stayed long enough to greet him, then dashed off saying something about happy hour and Christmas deals.

Aiichirou laughed nervously, showing Rin into his bedroom/living room. The futon was out, ready for company. Rin raised an eyebrow.

"Your uncle seemed like he was in a rush." He said, dropping his bag next to the futon. Aiichirou grimaced, rubbing his hand over his blushing face.

"He thinks we're going to have sex." He grumbled. Rin flinched, flushing. He looked around nervously. Aiichirou could hear the neighbor children laughing down on the ground floor in the silence that passed between them. Rin laughed.

"That's funny." He rolled his eyes, flopping down onto the futon. Aiichirou blinked, they stared at each other.

"I don't mean to suggest this suddenly," Aiichirou said, perhaps enjoying the look of horror on Rin's face a little too much. "But I mean, Ojisan was kind enough to leave us the apartment." He looked off the side, pursing his lips. He giggled nervously. "I-I mean if you'd like we could." He glanced back at Rin. "No pressure! Either way!"

Rin sat up slowly, looking deep in thought. He glanced up at Aiichirou, his brows pinching together.

"Did you…really want to?" He asked. Aiichirou pressed a cool hand to his burning cheek, giggling.

"Yeah, of course I do. I just, there was the fight and then school and I never got around to asking you about it…" He said, looking down at his feet.

Rin crawled over to Aiichirou's side of the futon, on his knees, tugged him into a kiss.

Aiichirou threw his arms around Rin, his knees buckling.  _Oh god we're doing this ahahah wE ARE DOING THIS._  Rin pulled back, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear, a smirk on his lips. He was sure  to wait until Aiichirou was looking before raking his eyes up and down his boyfriend's body, making the poor boy squeak nervously. He gulped.

Rin knew Aiichirou's body. Sure, he hadn't seen him naked (yet) but he knew it. Even so, Aiichirou couldn't help feeling a bit scared. The last time anyone had seen his chest had been when his binder broke. He shivered, taking a deep breath. His hands twisted nervously around his shirt.

"Hey." Rin said, kissing Aiichirou's nose. "What's wrong? We don't have do anything." He reassured him. Aiichirou breathed in, and out. He shook his head.

"No, I want to." He said, then laughed. "I hope you don't have a thing for sexy underwear…" He said bitterly. Rin chuckled.

"What?" He asked. Aiichirou tugged at the hem of his shirt.

"My underwear is ugly." He sighed, lifting the shirt off, then unbuttoning his baggy pants and letting them fall to the floor. Rin hummed.

"If you don't like it, maybe you should take it off." He said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. Aiichirou pressed a hand over his mouth, choking on his stifled giggles. Though, as his laughter settled, Aiichirou could feel the uneasiness returning.

"You want to…take it off for me?" He asked, snapping the strap of his binder with his thumb. Rin's eyes sparkled, he nodded.

Strong, rough hands, gripped the spandex around his hips. Aiichirou held his breath as Rin inched the binder up. As it reached his ribcage, Aiichirou gulped. "Like a band-aide." He whispered, meeting Rin's eyes for a moment. He nodded, tugged it up and off.

Aiichirou shivered, hands balled into fists as he fought the urge to cover himself. He  _wanted_ Rin to see. His breasts sagged, covered in stretch marks from years of binding. They weren't small, but not huge. Rin exhaled, pressing his lips to Aiichirou's collarbone.

"Can I-" He asked, but Aiichirou cut him off, taking his hand and pressing it to his breast. He sighed. Now that the initial reveal was over, it wasn't nearly as scary.

Rin moved his thumb over Aiichirou's nipple experimentally, happy when it quickly hardened. Aiichirou sighed, letting Rin pull him down onto the futon.

"No penetration." Aiichirou said, sitting on Rin's thighs, a stern look on his face. Rin blinked, perhaps surprised by Aiichirou's boldness, but nodded.

Rin set his hands on Aiichirou's shoulders, rubbing them up and down his arms. "Did you ever masturbate?" He asked, looking the slightest bit uncomfortable. Aiichirou sighed, shaking his head. Rin seemed to contemplate this for a moment, then took Aiichirou's hand. He put it right on his crotch, biting his lip.

Aiichirou blinked, eyes darting around, but Rin pressed his hand firm and that was all the permission Aiichirou needed. He nervously unbuckled Rin's pants and ducked his hand into Rin's boxers. Rin shuddered hard.

Aiichirou wasn't particularly good at it, but Rin hadn't gone into this with a perfect orgasm in mind. His breath hitched, his fingers inching under Aiichirou's waistband. The boy gasped, pressing his lips together. Rin eased up, waiting patiently for Aiichirou to lift his head and tell him to keep going. All Rin wanted was to be allowed to touch.

Aiichirou couldn't seem to speak, and instead just nodded his head, gasping when Rin's cool fingers touched burning places he'd never felt. He gulped. Rin pressed his free hand to the back of Aiichirou's head, pulling him down into a kiss.

Neither of them came, but Rin considered it a huge success when Aiichirou urged Rin to press a finger inside him, and Aiichirou found he really loved the view from up top with Rin's hair spread out all over his pillow. Aiichirou didn't put his binder back on that night, and giggled when Rin spent several minutes more than was necessary in the bathroom.

Aiichirou snuggled against Rin's warm chest, hugging him tight. Rin hugged him back, a warmth in his heart that only Aiichirou could put there. It had been a long journey to get to this point, but neither boy would have had it any other way, because now they knew.

No matter how lost, they would lead each other home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it fucking is. There's one chapter left, but this was the last of the "plot chapters". Thank you all so much for the amazing support! I never wouldn't have written this much if it weren't for all of you, wow! I hope the resolution was satisfying. I really can't believe it's over! It's mind blowing! You all should know that I hardly ever finish my multi-chapter fics, it just doesn't happen.
> 
> Don't be strangers! Even if you don't have a tumblr, you can message me there!
> 
> Tips for first-sexy-time: It's probably not going to be great! I mean, I'm no expert on these things, but people generally aren't amazing at at anything their first time doing anything, right? Try to remember, this is supposed to be fun! Getting to know your partner will make the whole thing easier, so if it's a little awkward the first few times, that's not the end of the world! Also, for my asexual friends, I did not forget you. My headcanon for Haru is that he is asexual, and I plan to talk some about that in the next chapter.
> 
> Thank you one last time! All of you! I'm seriously blown away by the support this fic has gotten! I hope this eased the heartbreak of the last chapter. Let me know!
> 
> Have a lovely day/night!
> 
> -FoxyGrampaGlasses


	12. Following the Found Pilotfish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But legend says Pilotfish guide sharks to their prey, and lost swimmers, ships, and whales to safety.

Holiday shopping was no simple task, especially when fighting the burning desire to buy the recipient the entire world.

Nagisa had dragged Aiichirou out of his apartment horribly early the day after Christmas in a panic. Aiichirou was a bit dazed, half asleep, nearly forgetting to tug on his binder before leaving the house in his pajamas because he couldn't be bothered to dress nicely, not when it was so cold he was still so sleepy. Nagisa tugged Aiichirou by the sleeve down to the bus stop in front of his apartment complex, chattering on and on. Aiichirou only heard about half of it, vaguely aware that Nagisa had forgotten to get a present for the gift exchange ("For Rei-chan!" he giggled, cheeks rosey).

"What did Ai-chan get for Rin-Rin?" Nagisa asked, poking at Aiichirou's side.

Aiichirou yawned, leaning against Nagisa's side as they waited for the bus, snow piled up at their feet. Rin's present? Oh yeah he'd gotten…Aiichirou  _jolted_  awake, spine going straight and shoulders tense. He realized with sudden and absolute horror,  _he hadn't gotten Rin a present either_. Nagisa's confusion melted into a smug grin.

"Ohh, so I'm not the only one." He laughed, hopping up from the bench when he noticed the bus rolling towards them in the distance. Aiichirou wobbled to his feet, following closely behind his friend.

"Do you know what you're going to get him?" Nagisa asked, dropping himself into a seat near the front. Aiichirou caught hold of a pole just as the bus started moving, twisting himself into the seat next to Nagisa. He hummed, fidgeting with his coat, shook his head.

"I don't have a lot of money…" Aiichirou sighed, looking at his snow covered shoes. His feet were already wet and freezing. Nagisa was quiet for a second, then pressed up against Aiichirou's side, a big smile on his face.

"They say the best presents are free." He said, his smile looking just a bit… _dirty_. Aiichirou coughed, flushing, pressing a hand to Nagisa's face and pushing him away.

"T-That's so lame though!" Aiichirou whined, hiding his face in his hands. "It just screams 'I forgot to buy you a present!" He said, shaking his head.

"Okay-Okay!" Nagisa laughed, squirming in his seat. " _Okay_  so just get him something small in  _addition_  to yourself!" He said. Aiichirou swatted at Nagisa halfheartedly.

"Laaaaaame!" He whined.

* * *

Halfway down the mall, Aiichirou and Nagisa were still arguing about what he should get for Rin. Nagisa had suggested chocolate ("Rin doesn't like sweets!"), deodorant ("That's not very…romantic."), books ("Rin never lets me see what he's reading, so I don't really know what he'd like..."), and porn ("I'm not old enough!"). They wandered through the mall, still busy enough even the day after Christmas. Nagisa sighed dramatically.

"Ai-chan you're too picky!" He groaned. Aiichirou crossed his arms, looking off the side.

"It would be a waste of money to get something he wouldn't like!" He argued, eyes on the sparkling tinsel hung high from the ceiling of the mall in intricate patterns and snowflake decorations dangling over the store entrances. Nagisa pouted.

"Okay, well what  _does_  Rin like?" He asked, steering them to the left and into a small stationary store. He mumbled something about wanting to have a home-made card to go with his gift for Rei. Aiichirou oo'd and ah'd at the vast selection of paper and scrapbooking stickers, an entire wall covered in pens, pencils, and every other writing utensil you could imagine.

Aiichirou watched Nagisa as he browsed the stationary, thumbing through the various Christmas themed paper.

What  _did_  Rin like? Swimming. Aiichirou pouted, glaring at nothing in particular. He and Rin had gotten so close, and yet, Aiichirou felt like Rin was still so guarded. Which was a  _ridiculous_  notion. If anyone had things to guard it was  _Aiichirou_ , but he'd gotten in the habit of throwing everything he had right in Rin's face, desperate to spark some kind of communication between them when Rin lost his voice. Rin, by some unfortunate twist of fate, was the one would probably be the more troubled one in their relationship. Aiichirou had felt this thought scratching at the back of mind a few times, but it was only just now floating into his conscious mind.

Rin was guarded.

It wasn't something they had talked about, and he doubted Rin would mention it, hoped he wouldn't. For all his nervousness and self-doubt, Aiichirou had proved on several occasions he was the stronger of them. He gulped, noticing the harsh beat of his heart and cool nervousness in his stomach. Nagisa had moved onto the stickers, but Aiichirou stayed by the paper, trying to find his composure.

He didn't like it. Rin was faster. Rin was tougher. Rin was a man and no one could doubt it. Aiichirou had no right to even  _think_  he was the more dominant of them. Rin couldn't be controlled, Rin was fire and heat and wild and Aiichirou just did  _not_  have the  _right_  to handle him.

_And yet he had._

Aiichirou smiled, small and sweet, to no one but himself. He hadn't made it out of the flames without a few burns, but wore the scars with pride. Rin had become skittish, afraid of hurting Aiichirou, and Aiichirou had become bolder, determined to convince Rin that he was not so weak, that Rin could be gentle. They had changed, grown, even in just the last few months. Aiichirou felt like he was finally growing into his skin, Rin was finally showing his weaknesses.

Which brought Aiichirou back to his current issue.

"Ai-chan?" Nagisa asked, waving a hand in front of his face. Aiichirou jumped back, startled. Nagisa grinned. "You looked so serious! Still can't think of what to get Rin?" He asked. Aiichirou followed him to the counter, sighing.

"Yeah." He said.

Nagisa paid for his paper and stickers, thanking the cashier with a cheery smile. He hummed, swaying from side to side as they left the store. "There's not anything he does besides swimming?" He asked. Aiichirou pursed his lips. Rin read, and watched a few cartoons on occasion…

"Oh!" He gasped, eyes lighting up. "The journal!" He said. "Rin asked what I write in my notebook and I told him it's a journal, and he said he keeps a journal too." Aiichirou slapped a hand over his mouth, looking around nervously. Nagisa was gasping for air, he was laughing so hard. "D-Don't tell anyone, I don't think he wants people to know…"

"Sure, sure, my lips are zipped!" Nagisa said, a few giggles trickling out of him here and there. His face changed, looking a bit thoughtful. "Well if you both keep a journal, why don't you get him a joint journal?" He asked.

We weaved through a few other mall goers, walking at a lazy pace. Our eyes glossed over the various stores, New Year's sales going on in every single one.

"Joint…journal?" Aiichirou repeated. Nagisa nodded, eyes bright.

"Like a journal you share with another person! Like, one of you writes an entry, then you give it to the other person and they write another." Nagisa's smile and bouncing calmed as he caught Aiichirou's gaze. "Considering you guys struggle with communication, it might be a good way to make sure you don't forget to talk about things, yeah?" He said. Aiichirou's lips formed an oh shape and he nodded his head.

"Nagisa-kun that's genius!" He said, fists curled and pressed to his chest. Nagisa smiled triumphantly, hands on his hips.

"Of course I am!" He laughed, his bravado crumbling. "Glad I could help- _Oh!_ " Nagisa took a sharp turn, grabbing Aiichirou by the wrist and dragging them straight into…Victoria's Secret?

"N-Nagisa-kun?" Aiichirou sputtered as Nagisa dragged him through the abundantly pink store. Nagisa only let out a low 'hee' as he navigated, apparently knowing the store well. He stopped at one of the displays, rifling through the selection with a grumpy pout on his face. A cheerful woman approached, meeting them with a generic greeting. Nagisa lifted his head, smiling back.

"Can I help you find something?" She asked. Nagisa nodded.

"I'm looking to get my Rei-chan frilly panties!" He said. Aiichirou choked, his cheeks flushing. Panties?  _For Rei?_  Nagisa's shoulders slumped and he crossed his arms. "Ah, but Rei-chan is kind of manly! So I'm not sure what cut would work best." He said, rocking on his heels with a worried look. Aiichirou couldn't breathe.

The woman nodded, saying Nagisa was a kind boy to want to make his girlfriend feel pretty for Christmas. Nagisa and Aiichirou grinded their teeth together, holding back giggles. The woman led them to a section of what appeared to be sized for 'boxy' figures, pointing out the three she thought would be best.

"Let me know if you have any questions!" She said before leaving the boys.

Aiichirou couldn't help it, he burst out laughing. Nagisa was giggling too, a soft blush on his cheeks and a devious glint in his eyes.

"Oh! These are perfect!" He said, holding up a thin bikini cut bottom with both hands. It was simple, pastel purple, with a tasteful panel of black, butterfly themed lace down the middle. "Does it look big enough?" He asked, looking at Aiichirou (who was still trying to calm his laughing fit). Aiichirou coughed, willing his amusement to subside.

"I-I'm sorry what?" He asked, rubbing at his watery eyes, shaking his head. "Nagisa-kun I don't stare at Rei's  _junk_ , so I don't think I could tell you." He laughed. Nagisa sputtered, pressing a hand to his stomach.

"Okay, okay!" He laughed. "I'll get a size up, just in case." He said, trading the pair in his hands for the bigger size. "Not that Rei-chan will  _actually_ wear this but, hey, just in case." His grin was so wide Aiichirou was afraid his face might split. Nagisa was a cheerful person, but Aiichirou wasn't sure he'd seen Nagisa this giddy before. Was Nagisa  _nervous?_

Nagisa had the panties wrapped at checkout and dropped the lovely, pink, box into the bag with his card supplies. Aiichirou had heard of people using Vitoria Secret boxes to scare people, but this was the first time he'd seen someone  _actually_  put underwear in one. On top of that, they were so  _expensive_. Was Nagisa just rich? Aiichirou couldn't imagine throwing out so much money on a  _gag gift_ , but Nagisa would always do what he wanted, logic or no. Aiichirou still felt a bit suspicious.

"Just what kind of relationship do you and Rei-kun have?" He asked. Nagisa smiled wickedly.

"The kind where I buy him lacey panties." He said, clutching his purchases to his chest happily.

* * *

Despite Nagisa being the party's host, it was held at Rin's house. As it turned out, Rin was loaded, or at least, in comparison to Aiichirou.

His house was large for three people, and well decorated too. Well, Aiichirou thought it made sense, how else would Rin have been able to afford moving to Australia for all those years?

Rin's mother was nothing like Aiichirou had expected, in truth, he wasn't  _what_  he had been expecting. She greeted each and every guest with a bone crushing hug. Rin had made a sort of dying cat noise when she kissed Aiichirou on the forehead and proceeded to go on about how much she'd heard about him.

She was small, but built. Her short hair was a shocking unnatural red color, with a layer of her natural red peeking out from underneath. Her teeth, much like her son's, were pointed and a piercing through her tongue was visible only when the light made it sparkle. Aiichirou could see a lot of Gou in her charming smile and loving hospitality, but he could also see Rin's passion and wildness.

Nagisa rushed out after nearly everyone had showed up, a large tray with hot cookies in his hands. He dropped them on the coffee table in the middle of the room, wiping the sweat from his brow with a big sigh.

"The snicker doodles won't be done for another fifteen minutes, but here's the chocolate chip!" He announced happily. Taking a breath to settle down from his busy morning of baking, Nagisa met the eyes of everyone and shouted one big greeting.

Haruka-senpai and Makoto-senpai were standing close together near the couch. Rei and Aiichirou were on the opposite side of the table, Rin sitting in the armchair next to him and Gou sat on the floor in front of her brother. They all chattered idly, waiting for Nagisa to finish up in the kitchen. Aiichirou flopped down in front of the coffee table, stealing several cookies with childish enthusiasm. Rin snickered at him, but Aiichirou paid no mind as he happily stuffed a cookie in his mouth. Matsuoka-san wandered into the room, sitting on a stool next to her son. She smiled brightly.

"It's so good to meet you Aiichirou-kun!" She said, leaning forward on her elbows. Aiichirou nodded, unable to talk with his mouth full. She giggled. "I was starting to worry Rin would  _never_  bring you home!" She said. Rin flushed, a strangled sound coming from his throat.

"M-Mom!" He groaned. She just waved a hand dismissively.

"Oh hush, I just want to get to know him!" She said. Aiichirou swallowed his cookie, coughing a bit as Matsuoka-san began what felt like some kind interview.

She asked about his hobbies, personal interests, and career goals while Rin silently blushed himself into a fit. Finally he shot up from his chair, grabbing Aiichirou by the wrist, and tugged him down a hallway. Aiichirou didn't quite realized what was going on until Rin slammed a door shut behind them, sighing loudly.

"Sorry." He said, sounding exasperated, but Aiichirou was a bit distracted.

"I-Is this your room?" He asked, suddenly feeling horribly self-conscious. Rin smiled, revealing sharp teeth.

"Yeah, you like it?" He asked, looking smug but sounding hopeful. Aiichirou looked around.

There was a bed, and a desk, all the things you'd expect. It was a bit plain, a few Olympic posters on the walls. His bed had simple, red plaid sheets and matching pillows. It had a lovely atmosphere, despite Rin having not spent much time here since he started at Samezuke.

"Ai?" Rin asked, moving passed his boyfriend and falling onto his bed. Aiichirou blinked himself out of his daze and followed Rin, sitting politely next to him.

"Sorry." He laughed nervously. "Oh!" Aiichirou brightened, pulling his bag off his shoulder and into his lap. "Do you want your present?" He asked, eyes sparkling as he pulled the messily wrapped gift out of his bag. Rin blushed, trying to mask his excitement with a glare.

"You didn't have to get me anything." He muttered. They shared a look, one that said there was no point in trying to fool Aiichirou, and that he'd be happier if Rin would just let himself be excited. Rin sighed, allowing himself a small smile. "Yeah okay, I want it now." He said, holding his hand out. Aiichirou bounced a little as his passed the present, excited and nervous.

"I hope you like it." He said, watching carefully for Rin's reaction.

Rin dug his blunt nails into the wrapping paper, ripping it off with ease and revealing a hard cover book. He brushed the paper aside, turning the book this way and that. It was simple, brown with white stitching around the edges. Rin carefully cracked the book open in the middle, flipping through blank (beautifully designed) tan on beige lined pages until he came to the inside cover. A tastefully scripted box read "This Journal Belongs to:" and underneath, written in Aiichirou's best handwriting, was his and Rin's names.

Aiichirou was blushing so hard he could feel it. "I-It's a journal, for us to…share." He said, fidgeting with his sleeves. "We don't have to use it if you don't-"

Rin cut him off with a quick kiss on the lips. He smiled wide, showing off his teeth. "Can we start using it tonight?" He asked. Aiichirou, a bit confused, nodded. Rin looked a bit nervous, and spoke in a quiet voice. "C-Can I go first?" He asked, his eyes off to the side and face relaxed. Aiichirou finally caught up with the situation, smiling and nodding his head again.

"Of course!" He said. He felt like his heart was going to burst.

An awkward silence settled over them, Rin shuffling his bare feet on his carpet. He shifted, looked at Aiichirou, to the floor, back at Aiichirou.

"Do you want  _your_  present?" He asked. It was all Aiichirou could do not to squeal, nodding, and lost his breath when Rin reached under his bed and placed a gift bag on Aiichirou's lap. He smiled at Rin, teeth and glittering eyes, and took a breath, dipping his hand into the bag.

What he pulled out made him freeze. His smile disappeared, eyes wide and breath caught in his throat. "R-Rin you didn't." He choked out, Rin just smiled. Aiichirou's finger caressed over the squeaky plastic protective package, a brand new swimming binder folded inside. "These are  _expensive_." He said, looking at Rin with desperation. Rin was smiling, shrugged.

"It's worth it." He said, leaning towards Aiichirou, meeting his wide blue eyes. "I miss swimming with you." He said. Aiichirou smile was so bright and cheeks so pink, Rin could feel his heart melting. "Just try not to wear this one out too quickly." He laughed. Aiichirou's heart burst to life, pounding with affection. His eyes felt watery, he sniffed. He took a deep breath, looked at Rin.

"Thank you so much." He whispered, disbelief and excitement and love all tangled up in his chest. Rin's smile pushed his cheeks into his eyes, threw his arms around Aiichirou, hugging him tight and nuzzling his head against his boyfriend's neck. "R-Rin?" Aiichirou gasped, hesitantly hugging him back. Rin chuckled, breath and voice tickling against Aiichirou's neck. It felt as if Rin was trying to say something, little puffs of air ghosting over Aiichirou's skin, making him giggle and shiver.

" _I love you, Ai!_ " He whispered, excited but hushed, like a delicate secret between children. Aiichirou forgot how to breathe, his mouth hung open, fingers pressed to Rin's back. Rin squeezed him, then reluctantly let go, slowly separating from Aiichirou. He frowned, but couldn't hide his nervousness as he rubbed the back of his neck. Aiichirou let out a puff of laughter. He stole Rin's hand, holding it just tight enough.

"I love  _you_ , Rin!" He said, smiling with teeth and a nervous jump in his shoulders.

* * *

Aiichirou and Rin had received a number of pointed looks when they returned to the living room, and Matsuoka-san seemed rather chipper as she passed them on her way down the hall. Aiichirou and Rin exchanged grimaces, settling on the couch. Nagisa burst out the kitchen with the main meal of finger sandwiches and, thankfully for Haruka-senpai, some mackerel. Aiichirou couldn't help overhearing Makoto's hushed voice, making Haruka promise to eat a sandwich and not just mackerel. Haruka didn't reply, but Makoto seemed to interpret that as submission and let it go.

"Has everyone exchanged gifts?" Nagisa asked, looking around. Rei shook his head, beckoning Nagisa over to where he sat on the other side of the coffee table. Nagisa pranced over, curiosity sparkling in his eyes.

Rei's gift was unwrapped, placed in a crisp gift bag. Nagisa dropped to the floor, turned the bag upside down, and shook. Ten different boxes clattered to the floor, each and every one of them a different kind of candy in all kinds of flavors. Nagisa's eyes were positively sparkling, blushing and all smiles.

"I-I didn't know what your favorite was, so I decided to get a wide variety." Rei said, obviously a little nervous with Nagisa's blushing and bouncing.

"I love it! Thank you Rei-chan!" He said, throwing himself onto the boy, hugging him tight for a moment. "Now for you!" He grinned. Aiichirou tensed, Rin raised an eyebrow, and Nagisa shoved the Victoria's Secret box into Rei's hands. Everyone fell silent, watching with great anticipation. Rei sighed, adjusting his glasses. He sat on the floor, crossed his legs.

"Ha-Ha, Nagisa, I'm not falling for it. And to think I actually thought about your gift-" Rei's voice broke off as he pulled back the pink tissue paper, his face flushing. Everyone leaned in.

"So?" Gou whispered, a hand over her mouth.

"Did he really…?" Makoto was blushing.

"No way." Rin laughed.

Rei slammed the lid back on the box with so much force he dented it. Nagisa was cracking up, nearly falling over with his heavy laughter.

"D-Don't you like it Rei-chan?" He asked. "It has butterflies! You can't say I don't know you well!" He said, laughing through Rei's yelling that never got to a point as he tried to navigate around possibly offensive gender stereotyping. Aiichirou laughed too. Rei was trying too hard, but it was sweet.

As the yelling and laughter calmed, Makoto cleared his throat, sitting a little straighter. Everyone noticed, turning their eyes to Makoto. He smiled sheepishly, a light blush on his cheeks.

"Ah, if it's alright, Haruka and I have been wanting to tell you all something." He said. They all looked around. Nagisa, grin as wide and wicked as always.

"Can we bet on what it is cause-" Rei's hand clamped over Nagisa's mouth, muffling his betting proposals. Makoto thanked Rei quietly.

A moment of silence passed, Makoto and Haruka looked at each other. Aiichirou wasn't entirely sure, but Haruka seemed a bit uneasy. Nagisa settled, Rei's hand fell back to his lap. They all waited patiently. Makoto took a deep breath, slipping his hand into Haruka's and lacing their fingers.

"Haruka and I are dating." He said.

"I would have won!" Nagisa whined, falling dramatically into Rei's lap. Makoto sighed, but looked relieved. Haruka also seemed to relax, the tiniest upward quirk of his lips making a smile.

"It's about time." Rin said, nodding. Haruka avoided his gaze, blushing. Gou pressed her hands to her cheeks.

"I'm so happy for you!" She congratulated cheerfully. Haruka and Makoto smiled at each other. Nagisa sprung up from Rei's lap, curls swishing around his head.

"Why didn't you tell us sooner?" He asked, question earnest and caring. Haruka's eyes fell to his and Makoto's hands, his posture tense.

"We were both a little nervous about it…" Makoto said gently.

"But," Haruka picked it up, finding everyone's eyes. "Since Rin started dating Aiichirou, we realized it was silly to be nervous about telling you guys." He said, smiling softly. He squeezed Makoto's hand, looked at Aiichirou (who was blushing madly). He nodded. "You've been very brave. Thank you."

Aiichirou squeaked, everyone nodding their heads. He laughed nervously as Rin took his hand.

"He's right, Aiichirou-kun." Makoto said. "Of course, this was always a safe place for us, but you're the one who proved that first. That took a lot of courage and it means a lot to Haru and I." He said, smile gentle and bright. Aiichirou felt like he was being burned from the inside.

He hadn't been out by choice. None of this had been bravery. But, seeing Makoto and Haruka's relaxed smiles, Aiichirou felt humbled. Whether he was brave or not didn't matter, he'd given them the courage to come out, and that was the most beautiful thing Aiichirou had ever witnessed.

After a few questions about their relationship, Nagisa broke out his favorite deck of cards. It probably started with goldfish but ended in strip poker after Matsuoka-san went to bed. Nagisa kept telling Rei if he put on those panties he'd have one extra article of clothing to take off. Aiichirou had been a bit nervous to play, but everyone agreed no one would be forced to be naked. Gou was more enthusiastic about the game than Rin was comfortable with.

No one was surprised when Nagisa won.

* * *

The next morning, Haruka was the first one up with Aiichirou following closely after. He wandered into the kitchen, finding Haruka at Rin's coffee maker. He nodded at Aiichirou, silently acknowledging the boy's presence. Aiichirou fidgeted with the blanket around his shoulders.

"Good morning, Haruka-senpai." Aiichirou said, his voice trailing off. Haruka sighed out his nose, showing Aiichirou a smile.

"Good morning." He said. "Did you want any coffee?" He asked. Aiichirou bit his lip, considering.

"Yes please." He nodded.

Haruka pulled out another mug and leaned against the counter, waiting for the machine to finish warming up. He looked at Aiichirou.

"How are you and Rin?" He asked quietly. Aiichirou blushed, but smiled.

"Good. I think we're doing…very well." He said, a light laugh in his voice. Haruka nodded. "And…you and Makoto-senpai?" He asked. Haruka looked a little surprised, like he'd forgotten that they knew now, but didn't hesitate.

"Good." He said, eyes rolling to the coffee maker. It was heated, so he checked the grounds and filter. Aiichirou fidgeted more, a question on his tongue currently stuck between his teeth. Haruka turned back to Aiichirou, raising an eyebrow. "If you have something to say, just say it." He said. Aiichirou groaned.

"I-I just wondered if…"Aiichirou cringed. "It's kind of  _personal_." He whispered. Haruka rolled his eyes.

"Spit it out." He said. Aiichirou squeaked.

"Have you and Makoto…had sex?" He nearly choked. Haurka's eyes widened, his impassive façade broken. Aiichirou started to apologize, but Haruka just shook his head.

"It's not like that." He said, looking to the side, out the kitchen window. Aiichirou was relieved he hadn't offended Haruka, but still felt confused.

"Not like…what?" He asked. Haruka sighed.

"Makoto and I are dating, but we don't have sex. We decided that a long time ago." He said, looking back to Aiichirou. Haruka could see the question in his eyes, and didn't hesitate to answer it. "I'm asexual." He said.

" _Ohhh_." Aiichirou whispered, nodding his head. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to assume." He said, bowing his head, but Haruka just shrugged.

"It's alright." He said. Haruka pulled out the now full coffee pot, filling both a mug for Aiichirou and himself. He passed a mug to Aiichirou, continuing to lean on the counter. Aiichirou hesitantly wandered over to the fridge, grabbing out some creamer chocolate syrup. Haruka seemed to like his coffee black and,  _wow_ , how cool is he? Like, he was cool before, but black coffee? Aiichirou tried to pay attention to mixing his own coffee.

"Is it…difficult?" Aiichirou asked. Haurka hummed softly.

"Sometimes. It gets annoying, with the assumptions." He said, quick to notice Aiichirou's guilty expression. "You're different, we can explain it to you. You want to listen." Haruka held his coffee in both hands, blowing at the steam. "Other people, not so much." He sighed, taking a sip. "Makoto's grey-sexual so not having sex isn't generally an issue. I've told him it's fine if he'd like to do it with someone else but," Haruka laughed out his nose. "He'd never take that offer."

Aiichirou was a bit stunned. He'd never heard Haruka talk so much, and about something so personal. Didn't he sound relaxed, comfortable even? Aiichirou couldn't believe it, but it sure seemed like Haruka really did trust him. Aiichirou put the creamer and syrup back, leaning against the same counter as Haruka.

"You two really love each other." Aiichirou said, a needless, but no less heartwarming observation.

"The same goes for you and Rin." Haruka said, sipping his coffee. Aiichirou flushed, nodding.

Haruka and Aiichirou sipped their coffee, unaware of a fairly similar conversation going on in the other room.

* * *

Nagisa and Rei were still asleep when Rin and Makoto woke, both sprawled over the floor. Rin sat up, yawning, stretching. Makoto rubbed at his eyes. They nodded, a silent good morning. Rin was quiet for a long time, still and unsure. Makoto eventually forced himself to sit up, though he probably wouldn't be totally awake for at least another hour.

"Hey, Makoto." Rin said. Makoto breathed in slow, turning his attention to his friend. "I'm really glad you finally told everyone." He said, looking over at Rei and Nagisa cuddled up on the couch. Makoto smiled lazily, yawning.

"I said it was both of us, but we know it was really Haru who was afraid to tell everyone." Makoto admitted.

"I figured." Rin said, flopping back onto the floor. Makoto swayed, hands searching for his glasses. "But you know, I've been wondering." He said, waiting for Makoto to slide on his glasses before continuing. "Haru and you…how do you deal with it?" He asked. Makoto's eyes were sleepy, but still widened with surprise.

"Deal with it?" He asked. Rin sighed.

"With Haru? With…him being different?" He asked. Makoto seemed to wake up a bit, his eyes just a little clearer. His looked down at his hands. "Don't you ever feel, like…guilty? Doesn't it scare you?" Rin's voice was a hesitant whisper.

"Sometimes." Makoto nodded. "But," He breathed, long and slow. "Haru feels so much more of that than I do. It's scary, wondering you're enough for them." Makoto smiled at Rin. "But they're feeling that times ten, and I trust Haru. I trust him enough to trust myself." He said. Rin frowned.

"I don't understand." He said. Makoto laughed, yawned, adjusted his glasses.

"To be honest, neither do I." He said. Rin sighed.

He supposed, it did make some sense.

Rin could put his faith in Aiichirou, to tell him if he was hurt, to remind him of his place, to work with him. And if he trusted Aiichirou that much, maybe he could trust himself, just a little, to not completely ruin this beautiful, precious, amazing thing.

* * *

The lost pilotfish had returned home, and thus, the shark began to follow his lead once more.

_**The End** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy ending! Haha, wow I really can't believe I finished it. It's all thanks to you readers! I specifically want to thank lemoca and live-your-life-the-best-you-can for their awesome fanart for the fic! Anyone who reviewed or commented or kudo'd (on Ao3), thank you so so much! This probably won't be my only trans fic, IN FACT I have another free! trans fic coming up next. It'll only be a oneshot, but I think it'll be pretty good. So keep an eye out for that!
> 
> OH and there was one comment I wanted to address publicly, if you want to write a trans!Nitori fic, please do! There are so many ways this story could have gone, so many possibilities! So if you'd like to write something different than I did, do it! As a side note, I planned for there to be more porn (really any at all) but it didn't happen. I doubt I will ever write any, so if anyone out there wants to write some fricky fracky for this fic, you should do it. Just saying.
> 
> Thank you all for reading! I encourage you to send me a message on tumblr if you have a question or, heck, if you just want to chat! I hope you all enjoyed the fic as much as I enjoyed writing it and, ah geez there's no professional way to end this just, THANK YOU!
> 
> -FoxyGrampaGlasses


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